Magic in the Unfolding

I changed my Instagram username to “magicintheunfolding”.

 

Here’s the text I posted (along with a photo I can’t seem to insert because I’m on my phone):

“New username, who dis?

I updated my username and thought I’d do a little (re)introduction in case anyone needs it. 

My name is Erin Wilson & my pronouns are she/her. I’m bi & demisexual. I’m fat. I’m pretty sure I’m neurodivergent. I care about human rights. My “day job” is in helping reduce food & housing insecurity. (Insert all kinds of other things about me here)

My new username is based on the concept of finding magic in the unfolding. I’ve had thoughts about the concept of “unfolding” building in my mind for months…

I’ve spent so much of my life focused on folding myself inward to “fit” into the boxes and corners and closets I’ve been told I belong in. But I’m tired of that. I want to be my authentic self, so I’ve spent the last several years working to unfold myself and find all the little secrets that are tucked away in the creases. Lots of them are magic! The more authentic I am in how I live, the happier I am! (Imagine that!)

I grew up in the church with all kinds of messaging about who I’m “supposed to be”, and I’ve actively been picking away at all the things I was taught and reframing my understanding of the world outside of the confines of Evangelicalism. It’s one of the many reasons I felt strongly about ditching my old username, which I picked around 15 years ago when I was still trying to live the life I had been told to live. 

I’m not that person anymore. I mean, I’m the same me…I’m just not pretending to be who someone else expects me to be anymore, at least not in the most important ways. (Because masking anxiety and neurodivergence in social settings is real, among other things)

This last year (or two?) in particular I’ve learned new things about myself. The anxiety I deal with? Might be worth diagnosing and medicating. I also plan to seek an ADHD diagnosis. I’ve learned lots of new things about my health, and I’m managing so much of it better than I have in years. I’m learning to speak up for myself and others in more meaningful ways. 

I’m expressing more masculine and feeling so much more comfortable in my body. (In fact I had moments where I questioned my gender, solely based on the fact that I wanted to express more masculine - once I wrapped my head around the fact that gender identity and expression don’t have to match, I felt a LOT more comfortable embracing my womanhood with a more masculine presentation.) And lots more!

I’ve outgrown the scripture-based, Evangelical username. I struggle with the label Christian. My faith has shifted to something that 15-year-old me would be extremely surprised by, and I’ve found all kinds of freedom and peace in it. I’m still working to sort out all the pieces I’ve pulled apart and find the ones that still carry value for me while discarding the rest.

But what I’m absolutely not going to do anymore is make myself smaller. I’m done folding myself in for the sake of others. I get to take up space - and as a fat person, that’s been a challenging thing for me to be able (and willing) to say. But my size, both physical and metaphorical, is as much a part of me as any other trait. And I’m done dimming my sparkle. 

So, welcome friends. I don’t have plans for changing how I post. I’m not a content creator, so you’ll get the random late night I-can’t-go-the-fuck-to-sleep story shares, the important political topics, and all the other randomness you’ve been getting up to this point. Just behind a different username that speaks more closely to where I find myself these days. 

I hope you’ll stick around? Unless you don’t want to. Up to you. 💜”

FEEL Your Worth

Hello, friends! I have returned to this blog after more than a 3 year hiatus (we're actually only couple months away from 4 years!). SO MUCH has happened in the last 4 years, and if you've been around but don't follow me on social media it's possible you've missed quite a bit. 

There are many details that are not super important to share now (though if I continue blogging over the coming months like I want, things will probably come up over time). However, there are some details that are important.

First, I have a wonderful partner named Eli (he/they). We started dating a little over three years ago. He's pretty incredible, and while some things will be sprinkled into this blog post, you might have to wait for future blog posts for more details because Eli's not the focus today.

Second, last time I updated I lived in Newberg, OR with my mom and my sister. I have moved TWICE since then. Eli and I moved to Wilsonville, OR together in 2020 and we now live in Tualatin, OR (since late 2021).

Last (for now), I'm still working at Silverton Area Community Aid (SACA), but my role has shifted significantly. I started in 2018 as the Intake Specialist, primarily working the front desk, answering phones, getting folks connected with resources and checked in for SACA services (food pantry, financial assistance, etc). I've changed titles a few times and taken on more responsibilities. My current title is Executive Assistant and my job encompasses MANY things (communications, database management, Spanish translation, volunteer coordination, etc). It has been wonderful leaning into this new role. I feel like my skills and interests are being used well to support SACA in providing vital services to the Silverton community. I still commute 4 days a week...that's 60 miles round trip, so about 240 miles a week!

And now we get to the purpose of this post.

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In early January, Eli and I attended the Q Christian Fellowship (QCF) conference in Washington, DC. QCF is a wonderful organization that provides space (physically and virtually) for LGBTQIA+ Christians and Christian-adjacent LGBTQIA+ folks. I say Christian-adjacent, but there's really no requirement to have ANY connection to Christian beliefs or faith of any sort...many of us do, however.

This year's conference theme was "Liberated to Love", and it was woven throughout the messages of each of the general sessions. We heard from so many queer and queer affirming folks, speaking about liberation, overcoming oppression, and tearing down barriers. We also had wonderful worship led by Q Worship Collective. They brought original songs as well as songs many of us knew (sometimes updated for theological reasons).

Throughout the weekend, there were a variety of affinity groups (spaces to gather with folks who share similar identities), breakout sessions covering a variety of topics, a podcast stage with live recordings, casual meetups planned by other conference attendees, and more. It's hard to adequately describe the many ways to connect with folks, learn more about oneself/others, and listen to new perspectives.

This was my first time attending QCF conference in person. Eli had attended a couple times (2018 and 2019). Neither of us attended in 2020. Eli was registered from the 2021 virtual conference (and I attended alongside him without having access to the Whova app where folks were connecting) and we both registered and attended the 2022 virtual conference. I enjoyed meeting folks from all over the world through the virtual conferences in 2021 and 2022, but it was SO LOVELY getting to meet friends face to face and hug them.

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Exploring DC

Because this year's conference was in Washington, DC, it was necessary to add a little time to our trip so we could explore. Eli had never been to DC! I had been twice - when I was 8 and again when I was 13. Ideally we would have had a LOT more time to explore the city than we ended up with, but time off work was limited by our need to make money. 😂 The conference was January 5-8, and we were in DC January 4-9 (Wednesday-Monday). Just a little extra time.

Our flight landed on Wednesday night around 6pm. A VERY pleasant surprise on our flight was that our friend Emmy (they/them) was in the same row as us. It was so nice not having to sit near a total stranger for 5-6 hours. We shared an Uber with them to the Washington Hilton (where conference was held) also.

Eli had brought a Voodoo donut for our friend Evan (she/he/they), and we planned to meet up with Evan and their partner Jess (she/he/they). Jess is a hockey fan, so we met up at the sports bar in the Hilton because there was a Canada/US juniors match. Jess had to explain a lot about hockey, including what juniors is...my baseball brain understands it as the minor league for the NHL and it's for ages 14-18. Obviously that's not a totally accurate description, but that was my takeaway. Evan had also brought some treats for Eli (and me, but I couldn't eat them because gluten 😢). Eli and I had planned to check out some museums on Thursday, and so had Evan and Jess. So we decided to explore together!

On Thursday we met up for breakfast and ended up at a quirky little diner called "Lincoln Waffle Shop". It happened to be directly across the street from the Ford Theater and next to the "House Where Lincoln Died". (For those who don't know, Lincoln was shot and assassinated while watching a performance at the Ford Theater and was then taken across the street for care, but later died). This was extremely funny to me because my maternal grandmother was obsessed with Abraham Lincoln. I probably knew more about Abe Lincoln as a kid than any of my peers would ever CARE to know. My grandmother also had a "Lincoln Rocker" - a rocking chair in the style of the rocking chair that Lincoln was sitting in at the Ford Theater when he was shot and assassinated. After my grandmother died, I got her Lincoln Rocker. It's currently in my dad's garage (last I knew). 'Twas quite an entertaining juxtaposition for me, though I don't think Eli, Evan, or Jess thought it was quite as funny as I did. They all humored me, though!

We then wandered over to the Smithsonian National Air & Space Museum. I could tell Evan and Jess enjoyed it, but Eli was THRILLED. He loves museums in general, but airplanes and space? Sign him up ANY TIME. We spent quite a bit of time exploring. I had to take a few breaks as my back was hurting. Honestly, I'm surprised my back wasn't more of a problem this trip since it started out this way. I guess it resolved itself after Thursday? Who knows?

After the Air & Space Museum, we went basically next door to the National Museum of the American Indian. I had very high hopes for this museum. I had heard such good things about the cafe at the restaurant. I also expected it to be more Indigenous-led than it seemed to be. Clearly, I was disappointed. It felt EXTREMELY white-centered to me, which was frustrating. The language used to describe the Trail of Tears was something like..."The Trail of Tears was one of the most bold and breathtaking decisions the United States ever made". I put it in quotes, but this is really my paraphrase from memory. I KNOW it used the word bold and the word breathtaking. That's what got to me. I perceive "bold and breathtaking" as a positive description. I do NOT believe the Trail of Tears was positive. It was harmful. Just astounding that they used those words. Next, I was angered by the fact that they had panels showing info about specific people who were somehow involved with the Trail of Tears. It went like this - white man, white man, white man, white man, white woman, Indigenous person, white man. And the first white man they listed? Thomas-fucking-Jefferson. Now look, I understand the history a little bit here. Was Thomas Jefferson involved with the Trail of Tears? Yes. Should he have been front-and-center in a museum that was supposedly about "American Indians"? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Ugh. I was also mad that they had a whole room dedicated to Pocahontas, where they not only glossed over her story and the very real possibility that she was kidnapped, forcibly married off to a white man, and raped, but they never ONCE mentioned her real name. Her name was Matoaka (though I'm not sure whether that's an accurate spelling). Pocahontas was her nickname. And while the colonists were introduced to her as Pocahontas, I feel they should have at least mentioned her real name. Bottom line, I do not recommend this museum. I should have known from its name. *sigh*

Then we headed back to the conference, so thus commences our tourism break. Haha.

The conference ended on Sunday midday, and somehow Jess and Eli convinced Evan that he and I needed to take them to the LEGO store in the mall across the Potomac River in Arlington, VA. I say they convinced Evan because I never agreed to it. I went along with it in end, but I don't think they really needed my approval to insist that we go. (Jess and Eli, don't read the next couple of sentences...) If they'd directly asked, I would have said yes...but don't tell them that. As far as they're concerned, I never agreed to go. Unfortunately, after the LEGO store Evan and Jess had to head to the airport. Eli and I had an after conference event, but that's not tourism or exploring, haha. We did, however, make plans to hang out with Nathan (he/him) and Emmy (who we sat next to on the flight) on Monday to go to the National Museum of African American History and Culture (I will abbreviate as "African American Museum" from here on out...)

On Monday, we shared an Uber with Nathan and Emmy to the African American Museum. Nathan had gone with another friend on Sunday, so he didn't spend as much time exploring the museum as Eli, Emmy, and I did. We only got to see one section of the museum because there is SO MUCH to see and we had only a few short hours. The African American Museum was INCREDIBLE. It was such a wonderful experience, especially after the awful experience at the National Museum of the American Indian. We only got to explore the top floor (I think?) where they had info about African American culture, including artistry, food, dance and movement, language, theater/film/tv, music, and probably more that I'm forgetting. We grabbed lunch (a bit late) in their cafe, where they had bbq pulled pork, candied yams, collard greens, mac and cheese, cornbread, and more. Because I don't eat gluten, I ordered the bbq pork with candied yams and collard greens. The pork was INCREDIBLE. I can't remember what I said after my first bite, but I remember everyone thinking something was wrong until I said it was good. The collard greens were good, but not my favorite. I probably wouldn't have ordered them if there had been more gluten free options. The candied yams were also very yummy. After lunch, we went into the Contemplative Court - a room with a round skylight with water flowing down from the ceiling in a ring. It's hard to explain, but it was very moving. We briefly stopped in the museum shop before heading outside.

The Washington Monument is right next to the African American Museum. Eli wanted to grab stamps for his National Parks passport, so we wandered over. I ran up to the base of the monument to take a selfie looking up to the top. We then took a group selfie, flipping off the monument. Because as Nathan put it later on social media, "Fuck the founding fathers." Then we shared an Uber back to the hotels (Eli & I were staying across the street from the Hilton), Eli & I grabbed our bags from our hotel, and we headed to the airport.

It was a whirlwind. There was SO much more we wanted to explore. But I'm glad we got to explore some. It was fun being in such a historic city, seeing things that had been there for centuries. I know we'll go back someday, and when we do we'll need at least a week to get through the museums on our list...which isn't even all of them!

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Meeting Online Friends

One of the absolute best parts of conference was meeting people in person that I had only ever met on video or through social media. It's amazing how friendships can be formed at such a distance and without really having "met". There were so many people I was so excited to hug. I'm not going to try to list all the friends here, because inevitably I'll forget someone and I don't want to hurt any feelings. Especially since I'm not feeling well while I write this. HA.

I was listening recently to an old episode of "Reclaiming the Garden", which is a podcast my friends Anna (she/they) and April (she/her) host. In the episode (from back in September), Anna said "meet your internet friends" and I am 100% with her. The lovely humans that have lived inside my computer and cell phone for the last 2 years are, in fact, people with flesh and bones...and give such good hugs.

I don't know what all to say, but I was very moved to meet my online friends. The sense of community I felt at conference with people I had only known through devices within just a few hours or days was incredible.

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Queer Joy/As You Are

On Saturday night, a group of us went to a local bar called "As You Are". There were quite a few folks from QCF there, but I didn't know everyone. Eli & I went with Evan and Jess, but our friend Tsharre (she/her) was there too. The real draw to this bar was the dancing...

If you know me well, you'll know that I'm not one for dancing. But I did it. I engaged with my friends. I danced with Eli. I enjoyed being surrounded by so much queer joy. There's something about being in a space where queer people feel free to be fully themselves and engage in absolute joy. I can't fully explain it, but it was such a great night.

I did sit out a little bit. For those who don't know, I have type 2 diabetes and am on insulin. Because I had a couple drinks and we were dancing, I was trying to monitor my blood sugars. Alcohol and activity both lower blood sugar, and I did end up with some lower blood sugars because of this. I took breaks to sit out and just watch my friends dancing and feeling comfy being themselves. It was lovely. Of course, I couldn't resist hopping up and dancing a few times.

Shout out to Tsharre for making sure I felt included. At one point when I was sitting out, she asked if I wanted to dance. SO sweet, and I still feel bad that I turned her down - especially since I ended up having lower blood sugars anyway, which was why I said no!

This is a night I want to revisit. Not that it's an option, but I just want to go back to that moment...really those momentS. It was a night full of joy and memories, and it flashes through my mind almost every day since. The freedom I felt that night was incredible, and being surrounded with people I care about and just vibing together...who can ask for more?

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"Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth"

Most of us know the Christmas carol "O Holy Night". The line above is from the first verse, and in the context of the song there's a little different meaning that I want to discuss...

The keynote speaker the first night of conference was Karen Keen. I don't remember all the points to her message, but she brought up this lyric from "O Holy Night" and the concept of knowing your worth.

Her points were good. But my takeaway was a little separate from what she shared. We often talk about "knowing" our worth. And that's a really good thing for all of us to do. When we don't know our worth, we're likely to treat ourselves (or let others treat us) poorly. It's really important that we understand how worthy we are, because we are all worth so much more than society has told us. And for many of us, we're worth so much more than the CHURCH has told us.

But there's a difference between knowing something and feeling something. It's something I've been dealing with on an extremely personal level over the last couple of weeks since conference...but that's probably something to discuss more privately, and honestly...with a therapist. HA.

The line from "O Holy Night" doesn't talk about knowing our worth. It says, "the soul felt its worth". When I feel worthy, I step into interactions with a better sense of self and a posture (both physical and metaphorical) that shows how much I value myself. This doesn't just come from knowing our worth, though.

Near the end of conference, I had a discussion with Linda (she/her), who is on the QCF board and leads parent groups. She's pretty incredible. We were talking about this concept, and I gave her the example of my relationship with my dad. He's someone I've struggled to have a good relationship with for years, and over the last couple of years I've let go of the need to make a relationship with him work. The reason? Well, I told Linda that when I interact with my dad, I can know my worth but I don't feel it. He has a ay of making me feel wrong, like who I am, what I think, what I feel isn't acceptable. Even if I'm aware that I'm worth more than how he treats me, I sure don't feel that worth during those interactions.

It's different with my mom, though. I told this to Linda, too...when I interact with my mom, I feel my worth. She values me so differently than my dad does. She can disagree with what I say, do, think, etc. but she never makes me feel like I'm wrong. There's a core worth thing that I feel when I interact with Mom that I just don't feel when I interact with Dad.

FEELING your worth is so vital to living a life of liberation. The theme of "Liberated to Love" matched this concept so well for me. I want to take this concept into all aspects of my life. I want to feel my worth in my interactions, and I want others to feel their worth, too.

I thought about this a few times this week as I discussed changes in how we're doing things in the food pantry with my boss. How can we make the folks that come in for food FEEL their worth? Many who need to access food pantries or other food resources have been told they aren't worthy. They are, which feels so obvious to me. But how do I communicate to them that I know their worth to the point that they feel it? I'm still working on this, but I want to dig into it.

I have a feeling I'll be returning to this concept a lot over the coming days, weeks, months...

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Chosen Family

Remember above where I talked about the wonderful internet friends I got to hug in person? This is where I will express more love for them. And I'm gonna cry while I type this.

I have never felt more known, understood, and accepted - JUST AS I AM - as I did at QCF conference this year. There are new things I learned about myself (both leading up to conference and this weekend at conference), and I never felt I needed to shy away from sharing authentically. I won't go into every single component of this, but one area I noticed this was in my chronic illnesses. Remember how I was having back issues on Thursday at the museum? Evan and Jess took it all in stride. I mean, so did Eli...but he's aware of my chronic illnesses and pain, so that didn't surprise me. I also attended a breakout session called "Support for LGBTQ+ People Living with Invisible Disabilities and/or Chronic Illness/Pain". During this breakout session, we had table discussions about our own experiences with chronic illness/pain or disability. It dawned on me during this discussion that I downplay my own suffering and I overlook some of my chronic illnesses. As I shared, I listed a couple things I deal with, and after others shared I realized I hadn't shared all of the things I deal with. Ooops? It was really nice to hear my struggles validated in that space, to hear others deal with similar things even if with a different set of chronic illness/pain, and to feel like I could let go of the constant effort I put myself through to try to be "ok". It was ok to not be ok in this space, and it helped me understand myself better.

Many of the people at this conference have embraced me better than my biological family. I never really understood the term chosen family. I mean, the concept made sense...but I had never FELT it for myself. the sense of community I felt at conference was so strong, that chosen family felt like the right language. These people are my people in ways I hadn't previously experienced. And I need more of this.

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COVID scare

We flew home from DC on Monday night, January 9 and arrived in Portland around 10pm. The next day, we got a message from a friend at conference saying that they had tested positive for covid. Of course, we promptly tested that night to see if Eli & I had covid. Our tests Tuesday night were negative. We had planned to test again Thursday night. Midday Thursday, I started feeling sick. I left work early, and I tested as soon as I got home. The test was still negative. I ended up getting into bed Thursday afternoon, and I spent the next 3 days mostly in bed. I did get up a couple times to cook, use the bathroom, etc. But I was pretty much just in bed. I tested again on Saturday - still negative. I finally started feeling better midday Sunday...and of course that's when another friend told me they had a cold. So, I'm pretty sure I just had a cold after all.

But it was kind of a bit of a wakeup call/disappointing end to a wonderful conference. I had been a little bit more laid back about masking at conference. I wore a mask in the big gathering spaces, but I'll admit when we were out to eat or at the bar, I skipped it. I think the experience of being exposed to covid and getting sick (even if it ended up just being a cold) made me realize that I need to be more vigilant about masking.

I'm always re-evaluating my masking, but the pandemic isn't over. I've gotten more laid back at work when we're closed and it's just my coworkers/volunteers. We're not usually in close proximity to each other. But I think I need to wear my mask more when volunteers are around, too...or if I'm in close proximity to my coworkers. I just don't want to take the risk.

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Overall, it was a wonderful conference. I don't have the right words to wrap up this blog post. I am missing my QCF friends and the sense of community I felt. I'm trying to find ways to feel that sense of community at home. It's going to be a process, though...

Next year's conference is January 11-14, 2024 in Albuquerque, NM. It feels too long to wait, but until then...

Next year in Albuquerque!

We Have to be Open to Thriving

On Sunday, I presented my first sermon. I'm not sure whether there will be another. It's not that I'm opposed to it, but it's not particularly my favorite thing. Public speaking isn't something I totally enjoy. However, that being said...I feel compelled to share the words I spoke. Eventually there will be a podcast. In the mean time, here are the notes I spoke from. I know I said things a little differently in a few places, but this is what I typed up beforehand.

When I was 3 years old, my grandpa asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told him I wanted to be “a teacher, a wife, and a mommy”. This is something my dad liked to remind me of often. It seems like I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher.

As I got older, while I still wanted to be a teacher my focus shifted a bit. In high school I wanted to be a high school band director. My senior year that briefly shifted to working at a small school where I could teach band, choir, and Spanish, but then shifted right back to just a band director. In college I realized I didn’t want to be a band director. In fact, I didn’t want to teach music at all. I decided I wanted to teach elementary.

For the last 7 years, I was a teacher. I have taught Preschoolers up to 8th graders; I’ve taught Health, Spanish, and Music; I’ve done one-on-one and small group pull outs for Math and Reading; I’ve taught self-contained classes of 1st and 2nd graders and 5th graders. My journey to becoming a teacher was challenging, beginning in grad school and student teaching. I pushed through the hard things, because I knew I wanted to teach. I’d know since I was 3 years old! Every school I’ve worked in has gone through major changes or difficult situations while I taught there. I assume much of that is “normal”. Life happens everywhere.

For years, I assumed I just needed to get more experience under my belt. Things would get easier. I actually found, though, that things got harder. The longer I taught, the more anxious I became. While I’m a generally anxious person, this was well above my typical level of anxiety.

Despite the fact that teaching had been incredibly difficult and uncomfortable for me, it was still my comfort zone. I knew the buzz words, I had strategies in my back pocket, I had resources at my disposal. For me, this is what feels safe. When I know that I have things to fall back on, I feel less anxious and more in control.

This last year was a turning point for me in a variety of ways. I learned a lot about myself. I turned more inward and analyzed the things I was feeling and doing. I realized I wasn’t living into God’s will for my life. I was living into MY will for my life. I had decided that I wanted to be a teacher 28 years ago, and I stuck to it. I stopped discerning God’s call on my life. I “knew” what my purpose was - except I had put this wall up that stopped me from being aware that it wasn’t my true purpose.

Something that’s come up a few times for me over the last year or so, but with more frequency over the last few months is the concept of thriving. We have to be open to thriving. We have to get out of our comfort zone and allow God to help us thrive.

Merriam-Webster lists 3 definitions for the word thrive:

1. To grow vigourously; flourish
2. To gain in wealth or posessions; prosper
3. To progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances

I’ll admit that I usually think of the first 2 definitions. When a plant thrives, it grows well. When a person thrives, they’re doing well by society’s standards - money or status. That third definition, though, feels closest to what I think thriving in God’s will looks like. When I live into God’s will and step out in faith, I move toward a goal or achievement despite all the hard things going on.

For me, my comfort zone is that wall I put up. I often like to go just to the edge of my comfort zone and say, “Wow! Look how far I’ve come!” But usually, I’m still in my comfort zone, safe and sound.

Many of you know I went to Bolivia in 2016 with the YCEW team. YCEW is an acronym: Y-C-E-W and stands for “Youth Challenging and Expanding their Worldview”. I was honored to be a part of the first intergenerational YCEW team. In our orientation the day or so before we left the United States, Rachelle Staley led our team in an exercise that has stuck with me. It was intended as a team-building experience to help us get to know each other better before spending weeks together in a different country. She laid out two ropes in large, concentric circles like this.

This inner circle represented our “comfort zone” - things that were natural and comfortable to us, or that we might do under typical circumstances. The space between the two ropes represented an area where we would be “stretched” - things that would be challenging for us, but would not overwhelm us. Outside both circles represented our “panic zone” - anything that was overwhelming or too scary. She gave us a variety of scenarios from life at home, from previous YCEW trips, and from things she expected us to encounter in Bolivia. For each scenario, she asked us to move to the spot in the circles that matched how we would feel.

Prior to going on the trip to Bolivia, I felt my Spanish was mediocre. I would have said that serving as the sole translator for our team would have pushed me into the edge between stretching and the panic zone. I thought it would be great to use my Spanish, but I would NEVER have volunteered to be the translator. God knew better. When we arrived in Bolivia, our hosts had not found a translator for us as planned. I ended up translating for 12 days. It was exhausting, but it was beautiful. I was anxious the whole trip, but I would have been anyway! I came home feeling much stronger in my Spanish speaking, and I now use my Spanish every day at work. I still fumble on my words, but because of my experience translating in Bolivia, I know that even when I mess up, I can find a way to communicate.

Our comfort zone can be dangerous. Complacency and apathy can take over. Auto-pilot has never worked well for me.

A passage of Scripture that I think goes along with getting out of our comfort zone is in Matthew chapter 14, starting in verse 22 - I’ll be reading from the Message.

Matthew 14:22-33 ' As soon as the meal was finished, he insisted that the disciples get in the boat and go on ahead to the other side while he dismissed the people. With the crowd dispersed, he climbed the mountain so he could be by himself and pray. He stayed there alone, late into the night.Meanwhile, the boat was far out to sea when the wind came up against them and they were battered by the waves. At about four o’clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. They were scared out of their wits. “A ghost!” they said, crying out in terror.But Jesus was quick to comfort them. “Courage, it’s me. Don’t be afraid.”Peter, suddenly bold, said, “Master, if it’s really you, call me to come to you on the water.”He said, “Come ahead.”Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, “Master, save me!”Jesus didn’t hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, “Faint-heart, what got into you?”The two of them climbed into the boat, and the wind died down. The disciples in the boat, having watched the whole thing, worshiped Jesus, saying, “This is it! You are God’s Son for sure!” '

Peter asked Jesus to call him out onto the water. He wanted to be stretched. He could have stayed where he was comfortable on the boat. As a fisherman, he would have been VERY comfortable on a boat; but Peter asked to be stretched. While he became afraid, doubted, and ultimately sank down into the water, Peter should be an example for us.

Humans don’t like to be uncomfortable. We avoid difficult experiences. Some of us don’t like to learn new things, because that disequilibrium causes too much discomfort. But when we allow ourselves to embrace the disequilibrium, we find ourselves learning and growing. We become moldable.

A few years ago, I was a counselor at Surfside, the high school camp at Twin Rocks Friends Camp. The speakers, Thomas and Doreen Magee, used the analogy of a blacksmith forging metal into shape to represent our faith. They explained that the temperature of the metal corresponds to its color. When heated, the metal can range from red to orange to yellow to white. When metal is too cold, it can break when the blacksmith tries to hammer it into shape. When the metal gets too hot, it can melt apart. But when the metal is just between that orange and yellow color, it is perfectly moldable. When we allow ourselves to become the right kind of uncomfortable - stepping out of our comfort zone into that stretching zone - we are moldable. This is when God can help us to thrive.

I’m a note-taker. I like to write things down. I like to use letters, numbers, and words to make sense of things. They’re not always in useful or profound ways, but I’d like to use the word thrive as an acronym. I’ve found this acronym to serve as a set of steps to helping myself lean into God and out of my comfort zone.

T is for “Trust God”. The first step to thriving is knowing that God has me. He has never failed me, even when I’ve failed myself and led myself away from him. He has my best interest in mind. He wants me to thrive, to learn, and to grow.

H is for “Hear God”. While some people might literally hear God’s voice, I don’t. I use the word “hear” metaphorically. Sometimes I discern God’s “voice” through prayer, Scripture, conversations with others, silence, nature, etc. You may experience it differently. If you don’t already know ways that you recognize God speaking to you, I’d encourage you to try different strategies until you find it. Actively seek out God, and you’re likely to hear, feel, or sense what he wants of you.

R is for “Respond”. Respond to what you hear from God. Act on the leading. This will depend on whatever you think God is asking or telling you to do.

I is for “Invite”. Bring others into your leading. This can be done in a variety of ways. Ask a group of friends to serve as a clearness committee for you to help you test this leading.  Create community around the leading by having others join you in doing things that support your leading. Share it with others. God’s leadings are VERY rarely just for us. Find a way to include others.

V is for “Venture”. Step out in faith. Live into your leading. Explore what this leading means for you and for others. I’ll admit this one was the hardest for me. I don’t really like the word venture, but it fits here.

E is for “Evaluate”. Circle back and determine how things are going. Ask yourself what went well. Ask yourself what didn’t go well. Ask yourself how you muddled God’s message or how you may have gotten in the way. Ask yourself how you can change the behaviors that are impeding God’s will, and then go back and change them.

Trust God

Hear God

Respond

Invite

Venture

Evaluate

This has been extremely helpful for me. I try to use this when I find myself getting out of my comfort zone. Whether it actually helps me to thrive or not is up to God. Honestly, I think the primary thing for thriving is the willingness and openness to it. Allow God to help you thrive.

These aren’t steps that have to go in order, and they’re not really a cycle. But I find them to be helpful as a “package deal”. You can’t skip any of them, because they are all important in a variety of ways. Your actions need to match your words. I find that actively working toward thriving instead of passively hoping that thriving will occur is vital. Don’t let thriving just be aspirational.

As I’ve been working on this in my own life, the song “Oceans” kept coming to mind. It’s a song we’ve sung often here at SFC. As the words and melody play through my mind, I ask myself, “When I sing this, do I mean it?”

“You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail...Your grace abounds in deepest waters...where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. You’ve never failed and you won’t start now. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander…”

Some queries for us to consider:

-How am I stuck in my comfort zone? What keeps me there?

-Do I actively (or passively) avoid the disequilibrium of stretching situations? What can I do differently to seek out that disequilibrium or embrace it when it catches me off guard?

-Am I letting my fears stop me from growing? Am I too worried about the “panic zone” to leave my comfort zone?

-How can I trust God to call me onto the waters and allow him to help me thrive as I walk onto the path he calls me down?

friend:

you say you don’t understand,

as if that means it can’t be so.

you’re confused by this.

it doesn’t compute with what you knew,

but that is exactly what I experienced.

what I knew to be true

no longer was accurate.

I had to dig in deeper

in order to discover myself.

it took time, processing,

patience you don’t have.

you want things to go back.

you wish you didn’t even know.

you’d rather pretend.

but to ignore this truth

invalidates who I am-

not just the information given,

but my actual being and inner self.

telling me to turn off part of who I am

is completely unacceptable.

your ignorance is showing.

the love you profess to have

is actually hidden behind fear.

you’re hurt I didn’t tell you

before announcing to the world,

but how could I tell you

something so very personal

if you can’t even say it out loud?

you’re not able to acknowledge me,

but you don’t want it to affect things.

I want to understand your thoughts,

but do you really think that me being me

and you not wanting to acknowledge it

wouldn’t have some effect on our friendship?

I love you, even with all your ignorance,

but I cannot, my friend, allow your fear

to hold me back from being authentically me.

being afraid of who I am means 

my bisexuality has already changed things.

your erasure of who I am

has altered our relationship

beyond foreseeable repair.

I’ll miss you, my friend,

but I don’t know how to be your friend

when you can no longer be the kind of friend I need.

Anxiety and Activism

This blog post is one I've been mulling over for a while. I definitely had some of the thoughts that'll be included several years ago, but most of these thoughts come from the last almost 2 years since the 2016 election.

I, like many people I know, was upset by the results of the 2016 election. I felt like there was nothing I could do. Things felt hopeless.

Sometimes, they still do. But something I'm working on is finding ways to be the change. I've always admired those who participated in activism. I've longed to go be at protests, to march, to join a group of people in resisting systems of oppression.

I've watched friends go and do. I've felt incapable of action. I've felt overwhelmed by the darkness of this world.

This past year has been especially difficult, as I was a bisexual woman working for an organization where that identity could have (probably would have) cost me my job if I was "out". I stayed closeted for many reasons, but being closeted created an increased self-consciousness that was unhealthy. My anxiety was intense. I wasn't fully aware that anxiety was the biggest issue, but I knew I felt overwhelmed and incapable.

I was overcome with false worthlessness. I felt I could do nothing to improve my situation, so how could I do anything to improve the oppression in my town, my state, or my country? It became increasingly harder for me to care. I mean, I cared. I cared deeply about these things. I still do. But I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter to me, because it was "easier" to ignore the atrocities that are taking place all over the country (and let's be honest-the world).

Now, I'm sure if I had spent any time at all considering these difficult things with any sort of patience and presence of mind that I would have realized that pretending I didn't care wouldn't help anyone, but especially not me.

I've always felt convicted when people have said things about not fighting against the oppressors makes you an oppressor. I've felt like I've failed. I haven't been strong enough to go out and work to accomplish change and protect the marginalized.

The thing is, though, that while it's true that doing nothing can be a way of becoming an oppressor yourself, doing something (even if just a small, seemingly insignificant something) can be enough.

Sometimes, my anxiety tells me I'm incapable. Other times, I push through it and recognize how capable I really am.

Some days I feel more capable than others. Those are the days I need to use well. Those are the days I need to step up and speak out.

I'm learning that while I'm overwhelmed by the thought of participating in a march or a protest with a lot of other people, I can still share a post of Facebook or Twitter. I can research and help find resources for those who are able to attend marches and protests in person. I can use the skills, gifts, and talents I have to support in a variety of ways.

Sometimes, a little task is a huge support to someone who feels overwhelmed by it.

Each of us must do our part. That's it. Our PART. We're not expected to do it all. Did you hear that, self? YOU'RE NOT EXPECTED TO DO IT ALL!

Help people. Ask questions. Learn. Do the very best you can. When you learn how to do better, do better.

For me, doing better is recognizing the ways I'm able to participate in activism and the ways I'm not able to participate. It's ok that I participate differently, but I have to participate. I'm capable of many things, and when I use those things to reduce oppression, that's activism.

TAKE THAT, anxiety.

So, friends...how can I support you in your activism? What things can you send my way to learn more about specific topics/issues? How can I help you feel empowered to step up in ways you're able?

It's a long road, but I'm willing to keep walking it. Can we walk it together?

Trust

One of the things I struggle with in relationships is trust. I eventually develop enough trust to make friendship work, at least well enough.

There are times, however, that trust is broken and it is hard to build back. Or trust is broken in one relationship AND broken in a second relationship, which leads to lack of trust in all similar relationships.

Here's a couple examples of what I mean:

(If you read my blog at all, I'm sure you saw my post about coming out. If not, I'm bisexual. It's important to know this for both examples.)

1. My church made a statement just over a year ago regarding how LGBTQ+ people would be included in our church. The idea was that it was welcoming, affirming, inclusive, etc. I know most people perceived it to be exactly that, though I definitely felt it wasn't adequate. You see, the statement started with a sentence about how the people in the church didn't completely agree on "matters of human sexuality". The second sentence, when read in isolation, does seem welcoming, affirming, and inclusive. The problem is that they were never intended to be read separately from one another. They go together as a statement, not independently.

While this was challenging for me, especially since I wasn't out to my church, it wasn't totally devastating. I knew the change could happen, and I was willing to be a catalyst for that change if needed.

This summer, I was part of the team that put together a "refreshed" website for our church. One of the things I requested to add to the website was our statement regarding LGBTQ+. My thought process was that it was better to have A statement about how we'll include LGBTQ+ folks publicly on our website, even if it is flawed, rather than continuing to appear as though LGBTQ+ folks are not welcome. In my mind, having no indication that we're welcoming, affirming, or inclusive means we're NOT. Those of us working on the website agreed at the time, and I put the statement on the website. My intent was to bring the statement up in meetings this fall to hopefully bring about some change.

A little more than a month ago, though, I was asked to remove the statement. I was told that we were going to write a more inclusive statement, and that it would be written "soon". I contacted a friend from the committee that made that decision to see what "soon" meant. She didn't know.

Taking this statement off the website felt like a slap in the face. This was still before I was out, but I felt so invalidated. I felt that while they wanted to write a more inclusive statement, they were actually being less inclusive in the mean time. I don't think anyone that doesn't identify as LGBTQ+ would necessarily see it that way. I don't think they did. I don't think they understand the importance of being validated and specifically included. Their privilege allows them to go to church just about anywhere without needing to hide part of who they are.

I acknowledge that this isn't something they did intentionally. I know their hearts were in the right place. The intent was simply to update the statement so it was more inclusive before putting it on the website. All of this logically makes sense to me, but emotionally I felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me. I felt lied to (even though no one was being dishonest!).

2. About a month ago, I found out via twitter (@BraveCommons specifically) that my undergraduate university, Azusa Pacific, had removed their conduct policy banning same-sex relationships. This was HUGE news, as APU had always had anti-LGBTQ+ policies. The LGBTQ+ student group, Haven, had been working with administration to create change. It seemed to be working.

Several articles were written and shared, many LGBTQ+ students and alumni (as well as fellow LGBTQ+ folks from other institutions) celebrated and shared a collective sigh of relief. Change was coming. If APU moved toward LGBTQ+ inclusion, then other Christian institutions would likely follow.

But then it all came crashing down. APU put out a statement that removing the conduct policy banning same-sex relationships had not been approved by the board. They put the old policy back in place. The rug was pulled out from under them.

In this situation, I can't see any good intentions. Sure, they may have been individuals who had good intentions, as well as the ability to edit the conduct policy on the website. But without going through the proper channels, they caused more damage the the LGBTQ+ students that trusted the information they had been provided. I imagine it's harder for them to trust people now. I know it would be for me.

_______________________________________________________

Trust is such an important part of a relationship. I know that situations like this have happened to many LGBTQ+ folks in a variety of settings, including personal relationships. I struggle with being vulnerable and trusting people to begin with, but when things like this happen and threaten to invalidate my bisexuality, it's even harder to trust people. It's harder to know who I can open up to. It's harder to be strong and allow myself to be authentic with everyone I interact with.

I'm a work in progress. I know there are people I can trust. It's just learning to find them among the others I can't trust that I need to keep working on...

Exhaustion

I'm really tired. I'm really tired of being personally attacked for my opinion. I'm really tired of feeling like this country is becoming less and less safe. I'm really tired of all the "American Dream" ideals I was taught as a child being shattered before my eyes as other people are mistreated. I'm just tired.

Watching a strong woman like Dr. Christine Blasey Ford fight against her abuser in a public hearing for the WHOLE COUNTRY to see, and hearing the horrible, demeaning comments from some of the senators involved makes me feel hopeless.

As a queer woman, I'm terrified of what the future might be. I've worked so hard to reduce my anxiety and to learn coping strategies. This isn't helping. If women can be treated as a man's sexual plaything and do NOTHING to fight back, what happens when a queer person has something happen and needs to fight back? How can I trust a broken system to protect me? How can I trust a broken system with my femaleness OR my queerness?

If you haven't read and/or seen the Handmaid's Tale, I think you should. I feel like the hearing today is yet another step toward to reality of Gilead. I am scared of that kind of future. I'm afraid for my safety, but more than that for my mental health.

I know this post has a lot of negative stuff in it. I want those who have read it to know I'm safe. I'm not in danger, and I have no plans or thoughts of self harm. I'm just incredibly exhausted. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I want to fight the patriarchy and replace the broken systems.

I want so badly to participate in activism, but my anxiety prevents me. I get overwhelmed with the backlash from a Facebook post. I have spent the last 6 hours in an anxious mess because I posted something on Facebook in support of Dr. Ford. I don't think Judge Kavanaugh should be appointed to the Supreme Court. Whether he's guilty or innocent of the allegations, he proved himself to be a man who avoids the truth, blames others, and in an attempt to avoid a question about his drinking, asks the senator who posed the question about her drinking habits. I don't think that's someone who should be part of SCOTUS.

I'm just tired, friends. I'm anxious about things, and I know I'll feel *a little* better in the morning after a good night's sleep. Let's just hope I can actually get a good night's sleep.

I believe survivors. I stand with victims.