Enigma

Enigma [uh-nig-ma]

noun

1. A puzzling or inexplicable occurrence or situation.

2. A person of puzzling or contradictory character.

3. A saying, question, picture, etc. containing a hidden meaning; riddle.

4. (initial capital letter) A German-built enciphering machine developed for commercial use in the early 1920s and later adapted and appropriated by German and other Axis powers for military use through World War II.

The first three definitions are close. This situation and this person definitely feel like a riddle to me. How am I supposed to take all these things? Am I just meant to think there's no major implications for any of this? Or am I to read into things and come out with some secret, intended meaning? The problem I find is that I end up doing both. I overanalyze the whole thing to death and then I walk away thinking it was all a game with the purpose of making my head spin. Well, if that was the end goal, success has been achieved. There almost has to be some greater meaning in all of this...but what if I'm wrong? I've never wanted something so much or been so afraid to venture out in search of an answer. If my hopes are reality, then the leap is entirely worth it. However, if I jump and am wrong, then I'm risking even the ground falling out from under me. It's an extremely long drop if the ground isn't there to stop you.

While I try to convince myself to ignore this predicament, I push myself to look elsewhere. But does it work? Of course not! If I ever thought it truly would, I was kidding myself. Every alternative doesn't match up with the original. I find myself comparing the new options with the primary option-subconsciously, most of the time. What amazes me is that I genuinely had myself fooled for a little while there. I thought I'd moved past all this confusion and had gone on to other opportunities. A dream I had a few nights ago shed just enough light on all of this for me to realize how poor these substitutes are for the real thing.

I'm not being fair to myself, though. I need some answers, and I think I need them sooner than I've been admitting to myself. How to get them, though, is the question. Do I close my eyes, and just allow myself to ask? What happens if I don't get the expected-no, desired-responses? Am I really willing to let myself go through a freefall? Can I wait a little while and allow the questions to simmer, while I hope and pray that the answers expose themselves without my asking?

Oh, boy. I'm in deeper than I thought.

Blogging fail

I haven't touched my blog since I started the new job! I have been so incredibly busy that I totally forgot all about it.

Anyways, maybe I'll keep blogging, but who knows. It's one of those things I have to remind myself to do.

New Job

Ok, so those of you that follow me here probably already know this, because we talk elsewhere, too! But...I got a new job! I was subbing at St. John's, but now I'm teaching Preschool full-time starting Monday! I'm very excited about the full-time aspect, and also the salary increase and benefits (which I have yet to find out about entirely).

A LOT of changes are going to take place in the Preschool class, and I may be taking pictures and posting them so that I can remember where it started, keep track of the changes, and share them with you. I am hoping to blog more often, because I know it's a good process for me to take part in.

Anyone out there? Should I keep blogging? More often, that is. I'll be blogging either way. =)

Madness

My life is becoming a never ending, maddening cycle. I'm over it. I need a break. I need sleep. I also need to not be working two jobs. It's just not going to work long term.

Staples? You and I may not be buddies for much longer. Just saying.

http://www.di.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/the-holstee-manifesto1.jpg

That's a really cool wordle-type thing. It's a bit more...readable than a wordle, though. Pretty inspirational. Enjoy!

Emotions. Bleh.

Sometimes, my emotions get the best of me. I've found myself in tears on my drive home from work more than 5 times in the last couple of weeks. Yes, a lot of it is probably lack of adequate sleep. However, I think it's really just the whole situation of life hitting me hard. I mean, this last year (plus!) has been extremely tough. I am far away from my best friends, and even though my family is here, I tend to turn to my friends instead of my family, especially when it's my family that's taking the hits the hardest.

Anyways, things I feel are absurd now when I consider them have been making me cry. Things I shouldn't be thinking about, because they're just daydreams and temptations. They are meant to distract me, and recently they've been doing a good job. I need to refocus, and allow God to heal me when I'm emotional. I need to remember to pray and thank him for his many blessings, because they are abundant, even though the trials are nearing the abundant mark as well.

Work is going well. Not that I really have much to update. I'm floating around the school, helping in different classrooms and also teaching my health classes. So far, so good. And Staples is the same ol', same ol'. Jason's pushing us to make more ESP sales and to give better customer service. Not that that's really new...

Anyways, I miss my friends. I feel like my social life is non-existent. At least I have had a little bit of time to spend with Emily over the last 2 weeks. I need that. Time with any friend is special these days, but Emily just lifts my spirits. We laugh, and somehow we convince each other to join music groups/musicals at church, etc. Ha. It's good. =)

Seriously, I'm getting up in less than 5 1/2 hours, so goodnight! <3

Note to our Country...or Society?

Dear America,

You need to stop being so selfish and learn to read. Here are my reasons:

#1, you need to learn to read because when your coupons expire, you can't use them! Seriously, people. If the date says you can't use them, why do you think I can automatically make it so you can use it? I am not a magician. I am also not a manager. Due to these pieces of information, it's important that you consider the expiration date BEFORE entering the store and attempting to use your coupon. Also, if YOU make a mistake (you're human, I'm aware) and try to use an expired coupon, please don't get mad at me. I am sincerely sorry that your coupon expired before you could use it. However, it's not my fault, and there's nothing I can do. Just so you're aware.

#2, If you can't read the fine print, then why read the ad at all? Our ad says the limit and the end date for the sales. Please read it. If the sale ends Wednesday, why one earth do you expect to receive the deal on the following Saturday? That's not how it works. Also, there are limits. If you bring 15 notebooks when the limit is 2, expect the total to be higher. Seriously.

#3, stop being selfish. Yes, we have coupons and cheap sales at times. But if you make a mistake, don't demand that we fix it for you. It's not my job to make sure that the world turns at the speed you expect. Make sure you've got your facts straight and that you're sure your deal/coupon is still in affect/usable. Otherwise, don't get mad at me. You're just being dumb.

Anyways, America, take a moment and consider things before you enter the store. Are you sure you know what you want? Are you sure your coupon is usable? If you can answer either of these questions with, "No," then get the heck out of our store. Our job is not to think for you, or to make sure that you can use things that are no longer good according to their date. Seriously. Think about it.

Erin