Can't sleep

I can't sleep. Does exercise have that effect on you? I don't really know.

I did half of the 100 workout that I found on pinterest. I mean, I guess I'd call it a 50 workout, lol.

I did 50 jumping jacks, 45 crunches, 40 squats, 35 leg lifts, 30 more jumping jacks, 25 more crunches, 20 more squats, 15 more leg lifts, 10 more jumping jacks, and then I walked about .8 miles. =)

Owwie. I'm sure it'll feel worse tomorrow.


I hate exercising, but it kinda feels good knowing I did it just for me. =)

94

being to timelessness as it's to time,

love did no more begin than love will end;

where nothing is to breathe to stroll to swim

love is the air the ocean and the land

(do lovers suffer? all divinities

proudly descending put on deathful flesh:

are lovers glad? only their smallest joy's

a universe emerging from a wish)

love is the voice under all silences,

the hope which has no opposite in fear;

the strength so strong mere force is feebleness:

the truth more first than sun more last than star

-do lovers love? why then to heaven with hell.

Whatever sages say and fools, all's well

e. e. cummings

Enigma

Enigma [uh-nig-ma]

noun

1. A puzzling or inexplicable occurrence or situation.

2. A person of puzzling or contradictory character.

3. A saying, question, picture, etc. containing a hidden meaning; riddle.

4. (initial capital letter) A German-built enciphering machine developed for commercial use in the early 1920s and later adapted and appropriated by German and other Axis powers for military use through World War II.

The first three definitions are close. This situation and this person definitely feel like a riddle to me. How am I supposed to take all these things? Am I just meant to think there's no major implications for any of this? Or am I to read into things and come out with some secret, intended meaning? The problem I find is that I end up doing both. I overanalyze the whole thing to death and then I walk away thinking it was all a game with the purpose of making my head spin. Well, if that was the end goal, success has been achieved. There almost has to be some greater meaning in all of this...but what if I'm wrong? I've never wanted something so much or been so afraid to venture out in search of an answer. If my hopes are reality, then the leap is entirely worth it. However, if I jump and am wrong, then I'm risking even the ground falling out from under me. It's an extremely long drop if the ground isn't there to stop you.

While I try to convince myself to ignore this predicament, I push myself to look elsewhere. But does it work? Of course not! If I ever thought it truly would, I was kidding myself. Every alternative doesn't match up with the original. I find myself comparing the new options with the primary option-subconsciously, most of the time. What amazes me is that I genuinely had myself fooled for a little while there. I thought I'd moved past all this confusion and had gone on to other opportunities. A dream I had a few nights ago shed just enough light on all of this for me to realize how poor these substitutes are for the real thing.

I'm not being fair to myself, though. I need some answers, and I think I need them sooner than I've been admitting to myself. How to get them, though, is the question. Do I close my eyes, and just allow myself to ask? What happens if I don't get the expected-no, desired-responses? Am I really willing to let myself go through a freefall? Can I wait a little while and allow the questions to simmer, while I hope and pray that the answers expose themselves without my asking?

Oh, boy. I'm in deeper than I thought.

Blogging fail

I haven't touched my blog since I started the new job! I have been so incredibly busy that I totally forgot all about it.

Anyways, maybe I'll keep blogging, but who knows. It's one of those things I have to remind myself to do.

New Job

Ok, so those of you that follow me here probably already know this, because we talk elsewhere, too! But...I got a new job! I was subbing at St. John's, but now I'm teaching Preschool full-time starting Monday! I'm very excited about the full-time aspect, and also the salary increase and benefits (which I have yet to find out about entirely).

A LOT of changes are going to take place in the Preschool class, and I may be taking pictures and posting them so that I can remember where it started, keep track of the changes, and share them with you. I am hoping to blog more often, because I know it's a good process for me to take part in.

Anyone out there? Should I keep blogging? More often, that is. I'll be blogging either way. =)

Madness

My life is becoming a never ending, maddening cycle. I'm over it. I need a break. I need sleep. I also need to not be working two jobs. It's just not going to work long term.

Staples? You and I may not be buddies for much longer. Just saying.

http://www.di.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/the-holstee-manifesto1.jpg

That's a really cool wordle-type thing. It's a bit more...readable than a wordle, though. Pretty inspirational. Enjoy!