noun
1. A puzzling or inexplicable occurrence or situation.
2. A person of puzzling or contradictory character.
3. A saying, question, picture, etc. containing a hidden meaning; riddle.
4. (initial capital letter) A German-built enciphering machine developed for commercial use in the early 1920s and later adapted and appropriated by German and other Axis powers for military use through World War II.
The first three definitions are close. This situation and this person definitely feel like a riddle to me. How am I supposed to take all these things? Am I just meant to think there's no major implications for any of this? Or am I to read into things and come out with some secret, intended meaning? The problem I find is that I end up doing both. I overanalyze the whole thing to death and then I walk away thinking it was all a game with the purpose of making my head spin. Well, if that was the end goal, success has been achieved. There almost has to be some greater meaning in all of this...but what if I'm wrong? I've never wanted something so much or been so afraid to venture out in search of an answer. If my hopes are reality, then the leap is entirely worth it. However, if I jump and am wrong, then I'm risking even the ground falling out from under me. It's an extremely long drop if the ground isn't there to stop you.
While I try to convince myself to ignore this predicament, I push myself to look elsewhere. But does it work? Of course not! If I ever thought it truly would, I was kidding myself. Every alternative doesn't match up with the original. I find myself comparing the new options with the primary option-subconsciously, most of the time. What amazes me is that I genuinely had myself fooled for a little while there. I thought I'd moved past all this confusion and had gone on to other opportunities. A dream I had a few nights ago shed just enough light on all of this for me to realize how poor these substitutes are for the real thing.
I'm not being fair to myself, though. I need some answers, and I think I need them sooner than I've been admitting to myself. How to get them, though, is the question. Do I close my eyes, and just allow myself to ask? What happens if I don't get the expected-no, desired-responses? Am I really willing to let myself go through a freefall? Can I wait a little while and allow the questions to simmer, while I hope and pray that the answers expose themselves without my asking?
Oh, boy. I'm in deeper than I thought.
