Summer Growth

So, summer seems to always be a season where I learn a lot about myself. I think it's because I don't take time to quiet myself during the rest of the year and my schedule is full of so many things that I don't spend time "with myself" the way I do in the summertime.

This summer has been a season of transitions for me:

• I started going to counseling/therapy. Is there a correct term? Are they different? How do I know? Anyway, not matter which one you call it...I've been going. It has been helpful for working through a variety of things, including the things listed below.
• This spring to take a year off from teaching. It was a difficult decision, because I've known my WHOLE life that I wanted to be a teacher (since I was 3!). I know, though, that it was the right decision. 
• I hadn't cleaned my house in MONTHS, and now I have cleaned the majority of it. There are still some spaces for me to sort through and purge, but I have cleaned the main living spaces and set up a guest room. I call that a win. 
• I haven't talked to my dad since October 2017. (This has been hard, and is not really something I'm ready to discuss on my blog.) My therapist has been helping me work through things and had me write a letter to him. I wrote it about a month and a half ago, and then I read it in my counseling session. She suggested a few "edits", which I took into account and then I rewrote the letter. I brought it to my next session, and she suggested I read it aloud to myself a couple more times before I sent it. I finalized the letter tonight and mailed it. I am anxious, but hopeful.
• I've dealt with a lot of anxiety. This past year my anxiety had gotten pretty intense. I wasn't really having major "episodes", but I was struggling to get every day things done (i.e. cleaning my house, dishes, laundry, walking the dog, grocery shopping, etc). I still have tough days, but I've gotten so much better about a lot of things. I am positive that a huge part of this improvement is because I'm not working and my commitment level this summer was MUCH lower than in past summers. That said, I'm hoping that it doesn't go right back to how it was when I do start working.
• The last 4 summers I have participated in camps - counseling, arts & crafts, directing. This summer I didn't do ANY of that. I didn't help with camps in any way. It was hard, because I have absolutely loved helping with camps the last several years...BUT, I think it was a necessary break that allowed me to focus on my own personal growth.
• I have started leading music at church periodically. In February, I led music for our church Women's Retreat. Several people told me after the retreat that I should lead at church, too. So, I finally agreed and went ahead and led. It went well, so I led again a month or so later. I've led probably 4 times now, and I'm leading again this Sunday. It's something I would NEVER have considered in the past, likely due to my anxiety. I'm pretty sure, though, that leading has actually helped with my anxiety in an odd way. Praise the Lord for that!
• In years past I have played clarinet in the Marion County Citizen's Band. Last September, following the Mt. Angel Oktoberfest (a HUGE commitment for the band) I stopped going to rehearsals. I initially intended to take a brief break, but it ended up being all school-year long and most of the summer, as well. I started going to rehearsals again a few weeks ago, and I plan to keep going. I dropped ALL of my hobbies and "extracurriculars" due to my anxiety. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to continue going to rehearsals and playing with the band. It's something I really enjoyed in the past, but I found it to be too much this past year.
• I stopped participating in a variety of things I had previously committed to. This was a REALLY healthy thing for me. Several of these commitments have been "sucking me dry" of energy and enthusiasm. It's sad, because each of the things I gave up had been wonderful, life-giving things in the past. I guess everything has a season.
• I had a doctor's appointment. (A little background on my health "journey": I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. One of the many symptoms of PCOS is pre-diabetes. I have known about this for years and have made a variety of changes to my lifestyle in regards to how I eat. However, with all the anxiety and stress over the last year I had gone back to really awful eating habits.) At my appointment, I had some blood work done, including my A1C, which is basically a measurement of my average blood sugars over the prior 3 months. The results for my A1C were NOT in the pre-diabetic range, but there were in the diabetic range. This is obviously not ideal. She suggested that I try to bring my A1C back down into the pre-diabetic range with diet, and recommended that I follow the ketogenic diet strictly for 3 months. I've been working hard to follow it, though I think I've slipped up a few times. I've lost some weight, which is great! My goal wasn't to lose weight, but rather just to drop my carbs down to the level she had recommended to me at my appointment to hopefully bring my A1C down also. I'm glad for the weight loss, though. It doesn't seem to be consistent, though, which is frustrating. I'm eating so carefully, and I hate that I have to work so hard for weight loss. That said...I need to up my exercise game, which I'm positive plays a part in the lack of weight loss. So, that's another goal I'm working on.
• There are a few other things that have happened this summer that I'm not quite ready to share with my blog just yet. I anticipate that I'll be ready to share them with you someday, but that day is not today.

Back in January, I wrote this statement/reminder on a small whiteboard that stays on my refrigerator: 

"Saying NO is not letting others down. It is taking care of yourself enough to be able to give 100% to the things you've already said YES to.

This has been an important reminder. I need to focus my energy on the things that are most important to me. I need to recognize when things are not serving me well and let go of them, even if they are things I want to include in my life. It might just be something I need to wait on.

I know I have lots more growing and learning to do, but I am grateful for the ways I've worked on myself this summer. I am also grateful for the friends and family who have surrounded me with love and support, some without even fully realizing the importance of their love. Thank you.

Also...I really WANT to blog more. It's pretty cathartic to write about things, and I have so many important things to share with you. Here's hoping that can become a habit as well! :)

Manspreading

So, there's this thing that some men do. (I used the word some, because not ALL men do this...thought some might argue for "most".) Some men take up as much space as possible when sitting somewhere. We're talking about "manspreading". Feel free to google the definition if you're not familiar. I'll warn you, though...urbandictionary has definitions that are FULL of angry men defending their "right" to manspread. It's bullshit. (Pardon my language if you're someone who's offended by it. I couldn't think of another word that was strong enough.)

Now, in some contexts this doesn't matter. They're in their own "space bubble", and they don't encroach on anyone else's space.

Let's talk about situations when it DOES matter.

First, let's suppose you are a woman. You've been trained by society to give deference to men in a variety of ways, including physical space. You feel uncomfortable with men being IN your space, and you're really only offered a couple choices: 1) ignore the discomfort you feel and deal with the manspreading, or 2) make a scene to get the man OUT of your space and risk being turned into the "villain".

Next, let's suppose you are overweight. You've desperately wanted (and tried) to be smaller than you are - to take up less space. This would help in a manspreading situation, though not completely fix it. You take up more space than you want to. While you can't actually reduce the space you take up, you have the desire to take up less space and feel guilty that you can't.

Also, let's suppose you're claustrophobic. You don't deal well with tight spaces or pressure on your body. You feel trapped in uncomfortable situations, especially when there's not an easy way out.

Finally, let's suppose you're traveling by plane. For whatever reason (late booking, needing a cheaper ticket, airline that doesn't do assigned seats, etc.) you end up in the middle seat, which you'd ALWAYS avoid if possible because of the claustrophobia mentioned above. You're stuck, because there are no aisle seats available. You're in between two people - someone's by the window (not a manspreader, though gender doesn't matter) and a manspreader on the aisle.

Now, here's the problem. The manspreader takes his seat, and immediately settles in to get comfortable. For him, that means not only spreading his legs wider than the width of his seat and into your space, but because there's nowhere for you to move his leg pushes up against yours. This makes you uncomfortable. The reason(s) you're uncomfortable don't actually matter. You're uncomfortable and he's caused it. In addition to the manspreading with his legs, he's taken the entire armrest next to you. There's nowhere to rest your arm, and his arm is touching yours just like his leg.

You try to pull yourself into yourself as much as possible.You cross your legs or ankles, cross your arms, and squeeze your knees together and "hug" yourself. No matter what you do, you're uncomfortable AND he's still touching you. You cannot escape your claustrophobia, because the pressure from his arm and his leg is constant, not to mention the fact that you already struggle with seat belt claustrophobia AND you're in the middle seat. That means "escape" is extremely challenging.

Anxiety sets in. Your breathing becomes more difficult. No, you're not really struggling to breathe. You CAN breathe. There's no physical cause of the difficulty you're feeling, and your body is getting plenty of oxygen. BUT because you feel like your breathing is harder, you panic a bit. You cannot relax, and the plane hasn't even left the ground. It's a 2-3 hour flight, and you're not sure how you'll make it through. You want to cry. You want to demand that they let you off the plane. You don't do either, because you know you need to get to your destination. Oh, and you don't really want to draw that kind of attention to yourself.

It's hard, isn't it? Your normal behaviors for a flight - reading a book, eating a snack, enjoying a beverage, sleeping, chatting with your seat mates - they all become nearly impossible. So you avoid them. You can't relax, you can't get your brain to stop "running", you feel like you can't breathe normally. You're aware of your every movement. You get restless and have to change positions - uncross and recross your legs/ankles, adjust your arms, try to scoot over in your seat away from him, turn your body a different direction. Nothing helps. You're stuck. For a couple hours.

This was a real experience I had last fall. It's also an experience I've had multiple times - not always on planes, but in similar situations.

It's really unfair that women have to go through things like this. I've also observed situations when women stand up for themselves when manspreading occurs, only to be snapped at or cursed at. Why is this acceptable? The real answer is it's NOT. Unfortunately, we as a society have allowed this to happen and not put any measures in place to protect the women involved.

Hindsight is 20/20. I still don't know that the response I've planned out (after the fact) would actually work, but this is what I thought I'd try next time:

1) Wait for a flight attendant to be nearby. Maybe when they are there to take drink orders, or when they stop by another seat nearby for someone else's needs.
2) While the flight attendant is within earshot, ask the man to move out of your space.
3) If he gets "fussy", ask the flight attendant to assist.
4) Stand your ground. You paid for a seat, not part of one. Insist that he move out of your space.
5) When (not IF) he insists he'll be uncomfortable, tell him you already are. You paid for the same level of comfort he paid for, and you demand he allow you to have your space.
6) Continue to keep the flight attendant's attention, if necessary.
7) As a last resort, make a scene. Use whatever "cards" you have in your "deck". If possible, avoid too big of a scene, but make it known to others nearby that he's being a jerk.

Look, this isn't a huge issue like the failure of our government to treat immigrant children as human beings who need to be with their parents. But it IS an issue. When men behave in this way, they are asserting their privilege (power?). It's oppressive. I want to be someone who stands up to this kind of oppression. My anxiety makes it hard, but when I can process through past situations and plan out a response for THAT situation and all of its factors, I might be better prepared the next time I come "face to face" with a manspreader.

Several of the urbandictionary definitions for manspreading insist that it's something men do to protect their genitals. I'm not suggesting there no truth in that, but the amount of truth in that DOES NOT erase a woman's right to not be touched by a man. Men have NO RIGHT to touch a woman simply to make themselves more comfortable. That's not ok.

Also, even if a woman isn't overweight, doesn't deal with claustrophobia, and doesn't deal with my level of anxiety she will likely still feel uncomfortable with a man encroaching on her space.

This is one way I'm resisting the patriarchy. What about you?