I Wrote a Song

So, I've always wanted to be a poet or a songwriter. I've never really spent a lot of time on it.

However...after a rough one-sided "breakup" several years ago, I took to playing my guitar daily as a form of self therapy. I was just messing around most of the time, or trying to play songs I really liked ("Let it Be" by the Beatles, "Love is All Around" by Sonny Curtis - also known as the Mary Tyler Moore theme song, etc.).

One day, though, I found a chord progression I really liked and kept playing over and over. Eventually, I started humming a melody over the progression. The melody changed a bit each time I hummed it until I found a melody I kept humming over and over.

I started thinking of this as a song. I had written the music for the song. I just didn't have any lyrics. (See: Singer/songwriter)

Finally, using my "heartbreak" (because really, looking back it WASN'T truly heartbreak, just sincere, heavy disappointment) as inspiration, I wrote lyrics. My first focus was fitting the words to the rhythms I had created in the melody. It was rough. I played around with it some more, and I found a set of lyrics I felt ok about. I recorded myself a few times using my iPhone's "voice memos", and eventually sent recordings to a friend to listen to and give some feedback. (See: Update on "the song")

My friend listened, gave feedback, and I again got "stuck". She told me to try to change a couple of the lines of lyrics, because they just didn't feel right. I can't remember what I did at that point. I typically take criticism pretty hard, so I suspect I might have gotten frustrated and done other things for a while. I may not have even truly revisited the song after that.

Fast forward a little over 5 years. Today, I was reading through my old blog posts. I literally went all the way back to my first post and just read them chronologically. When I arrived at the posts linked above, I was immediately drawn to listen to the recording. I HAD to know who I sent the recordings to so I could listen. I mean, it didn't take me long, but I wasn't sure I knew where to look. I'm glad I just searched "song" in my gmail records. It was pretty easy to find using that and the date from the blog posts as an estimate. BAM. There it was.

I listened to it, and immediately felt those raw emotions coming through again. I'm well past that "breakup" and have actually been through a couple since. (Also one-sided...and not real "breakups". That's for a completely different blog post.) I read through the feedback my friend had sent me, and I grabbed my guitar. I realized I had no record, or at least didn't know where the record was, of the chords. It was pretty easy to figure out while playing along. I then transcribed my original, recorded lyrics. I saw what my friend meant, and I'm sure I was just too stuck in the emotions of the moment to push past and make the song better. But today, I am MUCH further from those emotions and I was able to play with the words a bit more. I like them so much better now, and I'm content to approve them for myself without a friend's input. As she said when I asked for her help in 2013, "it is your song so you have to decide what to change and what to keep. besides it's totally subjective and just cause I would do something different doesn't mean that is right. you can totally ignore my suggestions!"

So, I wrote a song. It's not ready to share yet. I think I will share it, but I haven't recorded again since I changed the lyrics, and I kind of want to keep it special for a short while and enjoy it for myself. Also, I have to get to the point where I'm willing to be brave and vulnerable. I'm not very good at that. 😉

Phone Anxiety & Such

So, I wrote about talking on the phone a couple posts ago. Today I had to talk on the phone...twice. Well, I guess I've talked on the phone 4 times today...but two of those were with my mom, and I don't feel the same level of phone anxiety with her...like at all.

During my "annual exam" at my doctor's appointment on Thursday, she said my abdomen felt firmer than she expected. She said she wasn't concerned about it, but she was curious and suggested I get an ultrasound so she could check it out. Ok, sure. Why not? It's not the first time I've been a medical curiosity for someone. I have a CHRPE in my right eye that my eye doctor thought was cool. Whatever.

So, she gave me the number to call and schedule the ultrasound. I hadn't gotten around to it, and the lab called me to schedule it. Phone anxiety trigger #1. I scheduled an appointment, asked if she had an idea of the cost, and when she told me that I'd have to call customer service to get a cost estimate I explained to her how frustrating that is as someone with phone anxiety. She seemed mildly understanding, but didn't give me all the information I needed and was about to hang up when I caught her to ask a couple more questions. Sheesh.

So, I called customer service. I asked for information about the cost for my ultrasound, and she asked for a code I didn't have. I told her no one had given me a code. She said without the code, she could not give me an accurate estimate. She said she could pull up a code on google, but since it may be slightly different the estimate may be different as well. I told her no, I'd rather get the accurate estimate so I can plan financially for this ultrasound. I also explained to her, acknowledging that she is not at fault or to blame, that I have phone anxiety and having to call multiple places to get the information doesn't work for me.

The thing with my phone anxiety is that I can "ignore" it pretty well until it intersects with other areas of my anxiety. Being unprepared for something is a HUGE trigger for my anxiety. Not being able to get an estimate from the schedulers was frustrating and set me off, because I was anticipating the second phone conversation. That second call REALLY set me off. I was triggered by not having the information they thought I should. I was triggered by their bad customer service that created an anxiety-provoking situation for me. It's not ok that this is the "norm" in our society.

I am capable of making phone calls. I can talk on the phone with people who call me. I do not like it, and I sometimes cry after I hang up. I seriously think the majority of it has to do with feeling unprepared and being confronted with something unexpected.

So, the result of today's phone calls is...I still don't have an estimate for the cost. I did not call the scheduler back, and I did not call my doctor. I was told one or both would have the code I needed. Instead of calling, I found the message option on the online system to see if I could get the information that way. Of course, the system said they would respond "within two business days". So I may have to wait a couple days to get the information and THEN I'll have to call customer service again to get an estimate. This is all to decide whether I keep the appointment I already scheduled or not.

I'm beginning to think I should just cancel the whole thing and tell my doctor, "no thanks," next time. If I end up doing the ultrasound, they better find something really worthwhile.

Originally posted 7/23/18 at 12:31pm Pacific.

Edit 7/23/18 at 3:28pm Pacific:
I got a response quickly with the code. I called and found out the ultrasound would be $360. I checked if insurance would cover it, and because it isn't necessary right now they won't. So, I sent another message to my doctor asking to verify that it isn't necessary at this time. She said it's not, and that if I have stomach pain insurance will cover it. She said she'd order it again if I have stomach pain. I then called to cancel my appointment for the ultrasound.

All that to say...this was a pointless adventure in anxiety. Yay?

Am I a Freak? (The answer is, "NO!" but sometimes society makes me feel like I am)

Ok, I'm going to be 100% open and real in this blog post. If you're someone who doesn't do well with the female anatomy or talk of medical procedures, you're going to want to click away and skip this blog post.

Until today, I hadn't been to the doctor in probably 5-6 years. First, it was because of my phone anxiety and not being sure which doctor to go to. Then, it was just a habit not to go. Amidst all the changes and stresses going on, I just skipped it. It was easier, though not good in the long run.

My last doctor told me I didn't need to do a pap smear, since I wasn't sexually active. I'd never had one, and she said as long as I wasn't having sex that was ok. Somewhere along the way, I decided I needed to have a pap smear. Why? I have no clue. I think I felt like it was the adult thing to do. Full disclosure: I'm still not sexually active, and never have been. So, why did I feel the need to have the pap smear? Whatever.

So, today I went to the doctor. A friend of mine who I used to work with recommended a doctor to me, and fortunately that doctor was taking new patients. So, I went. In all honesty, I wasn't aware that when I told them over the phone when making my appointment that I hadn't had an annual exam in several years that I was "signing up" for a pap smear. I didn't request it. They didn't ask. I guess it was just an assumption.

Going over all the details before my exam, we discussed the pap smear. I said I felt like I should do it. It seemed like an area of my health I had zero information about, and I should have all the information. She talked me through the process and assured me that if I wasn't sexually active that I wouldn't have cervical cancer, which is what the pap smear checks for. I guess I should have said, "Nevermind then," at that point, but I went on...full steam ahead.

When we got to the pap smear portion of the exam, she talked me through the process again, and began.

Um...why did no one tell me it hurt like hell? Also, why do women not talk more openly about pap smears in general?

Basically, here's what happened. It hurt. A LOT. She reminded me the helpful tips she'd already given me, which weren't helping. As she was trying to get the speculum in place, my body decided it had had ENOUGH and pushed it out. It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't mean to. In fact, I apologized to her.

I. apologized. to. the. doctor. for. my. body's. natural. response. WHAT?!

That's ridiculous. I wouldn't apologize if I could go back and "do it over". In fact, if I could go back, I think I would have asked her, "So, if you're certain the pap smear will come back with no abnormalities because I'm not sexually active, is there any reason for me to do it today?" I wish I had decided NOT to do it.

Here's what REALLY frustrates me:

I left my appointment, which was pleasant and "successful" in all other manners, but I felt ashamed.

I felt shame that my body had decided it didn't want to be invaded in that way. I felt ashamed that I couldn't "suck it up" and get through an exam so many women go through.

Why the hell can't we find another way to check for abnormal or cancerous cells in a woman's cervix? Why do we have to go through such a horribly uncomfortable (ok, painful) and invasive procedure as our "standard" medical care?

Even worse, why did I feel so ashamed that I hadn't gotten a pap smear already or that my body effectively rejected it?

Friends, this is weird. I felt like a freak. That's not ok. I think it's completely normal to not want a foreign object inserted into my body.

I don't feel violated, but I definitely felt like it was a level of invasiveness that was beyond my comfort level.

I've spent all afternoon and evening coming to grips with this. I'm not a freak. It's not something to be ashamed of. I don't feel bad about it anymore. I feel like it's completely acceptable to uncomfortable with the procedure.

So, ladies...who else has had horrible experiences with pap smears or other procedures?

In other news, I'm working to improve my habits about seeing doctors. So, there's that.

Changes

I remember in middle school and high school jumping with excitement to answer the phone when it rang. No matter who it was on the other end, I wanted to be the one to answer. There was always hope that the person calling wanted to talk to me, which usually meant a friend wanted to chat.

At that age, I couldn't talk to my friends enough. I longed for someone to call, and I used instant messenger to talk to them by internet in between calls, school, and church. 

Somewhere along the line I got weary of the phone. I no longer get excited when my phone rings. That excitement to talk to a friend is non-existent upon hearing my phone ringing. In its place is dread and anxiety. I often say, "What do you want?!" before answering my phone when it rings. Admittedly, that's a rotten attitude to have. I never look to see who it is before saying this - so if you're reading this and you're someone who calls me, please don't take offense.

It's not that I don't want to talk to YOU or specific people. It's that I don't want to talk to ANYONE. In reality, though, it's not totally true that I don't want to talk to anyone. I think the mystery of who-could-be-calling that induced excitement in my teen years is now met with stress over what-do-they-want and don't-they-know-my-to-do-list-is-already-miles-long.

It's not a change I completely understand, but it happened. I don't know when. I don't know why. I only know it happened.

Another change? People don't call just to chat anymore. There's always a reason - you owe them money, they need information, they need a favor, etc. Oh, or worst of all - it's a recording that you definitely don't want to hear: some scam about your credit card or your car warranty, or even just a confirmation recording about your upcoming doctor appointment.

The people that really matter still call on occasion, but the majority of communication takes place by text or email.

I think I'm ok with that, but I don't particularly want to hold onto that dread/anxiety that comes when the phone rings. I wonder how you change that feeling back into excitement (or at least indifference?).