Productivity

Today was productive. Maybe not overly so, but productive enough for me to feel successful.

I got home around 4:15-probably a little after. I applied for about ten teaching jobs. I may be exaggerating a little, but seriously, I applied for a bunch. I washed and dried a load of towels. I washed a load of clothes, and they are currently in the dryer. I cooked dinner and ate it. I wrote a good chunk of my writing challenge piece, which is good, because it's due this weekend! I emptied the dishwasher. I are popcorn (ok, not necessarily productive...) and I listened to the beginning of the Angel game. Currently, the Angels are up 6 to 3 over the Rangers. That's impressive!! I am now in bed, typing this blog, and listening to the game. The plan is now to fall asleep listening to the game, hopefully a winning game...

Night!

Old Poetry

So, sometime in high school I created a xanga blog (xanga was "all the rage" when I was in high school) where I posted all the poems I wrote. I decided today that I wanted to post them here so I could access them more easily. I had a hard time remembering my xanga username to access it!! So, here they are!

IN HIM I AM CONTENT

I’ve tried so hard to impress you,

But I guess I’ve come to grips with the facts.

I really don’t even know you. 

There is something our relationship lacks.

I realize what it lacks is substance.

There was never even any at all.

This makes me want to take a new stance,

And look to God and listen for his call.

I know I’ve gone about things all wrong,

But without mistakes we would never learn.

I feel like I’ve been waiting so long

To find the one that will make my heart yearn.

He’ll be perfect for me in every way,

But only because he’s the one God chose.

Because God sent him I’ll know he’s okay.

That’s the best way to do this, I suppose.

Though at times I become impatient,

God alone is who I can trust with my life.

So I’ll try to be patient

And know that God is taking care of my life.

Boys cause stress, which is not what I need.

Stress will throw my life all out of whack.

So I’ll wait and allow God to lead.

He knows exactly the thing I lack.

Trusting Him with how my life gets spent;

Leaning on Him when I am weak;

I’ll learn that in Him I am content;

I am listening! Please!  God, speak!

MY PAIN

I never knew how strongly I felt
until on my heart was left a welt.
Down the drain my life seems to go.
Why does it hurt worse with each blow?
I feel like someone took a razor to my heart,
or pinned me to a wall with a dart.
The pain I feel is not right.
Life seems like a pointless fight.
Am I really supposed to be here,
to lose everything I hold dear?
I feel like an egg that was dropped
or a balloon that has been popped.
Why do I have to feel like this?
I know there is something amiss.
I open my eyes, but where is the light?
I know that it's day, but it feels like night.
I'm like a cripple without his cane.
Is there a way to ease this pain?


MY GUIDE

I hold myself back,
Step aside to look.
I know I should wait
and let you write my book.
For you're my creator!
You know more than I do.
I'll let you take over.
I'll learn to trust you.
But what is there left to learn,
but to stand back, step aside?
I'll give you the wheel;
let you be my life's guide!
Should it be this hard?
Should I want to hold on?
I know my dreams are futile.
Why can't they be gone?
"It's not bad to dream."
Someone told me that once.
Do I come across wrong?
Do I seem like a dunce?
I'm just trying to please you,
to live my life for the Lord!
Why can't our scary world
live all in one accord?
I strive to live my best,
but without you I fail!
So please, Lord, be with me!
Guide me down life's trail!


YOU

you've got skills I wish I had.
sometimes you make me so mad.
Anger toward you I cannot keep.
you come to mind; I cannot sleep.
you don't know you cause me pain.
Why must i travel down this lane?
I'm getting close to giving up.
Will you make me take this cup?
Soon enough, you will be gone.
Then it will be time for new dawn.
Each day goes by; I still miss you.
I wish all this could be through.
I'll wait; I've got the time.
I could stand and pantomime.
Would you stop to notice me?
So now, to you, I make my plee:
Help me make my joy complete.
Help my heart keep a steady beat.


REALIZATION UPON A NIGHTIME SKY

I look up at the moon-
it reminds me of you.
Whthe sun's out at noon,
and I'm in mid-chew,
my thoughts you consume-
my heart goes ba-boom.
I see that look in your eyes-
the one I wish you'd disguise.
I wish you could mean less to me,
I thought I was over you,
but as far as I can see,
moments without those thoughts are few.
I see others and I try,
but I suppose I'm too shy.
You brought out who I truly am,
I feel like I'm in a jam.
I know that moving on is the way
to release myself from the pain
that I feel each and every day.
I know I'll be left with a stain.
you opened up for me this world,
a place where darkness is hurled.
You allowed from me to shine a light-
one that shines from me so bright.
without you, things won't be the same,
but maybe this change is for the better?
I know at times what I say is lame,
but this time it makes more sense with every letter.
how long will I go before I am strong?
I need someone with whom I belong.
Someone who can be more than a friend.
When will this suffering end?
I knowI do not suffer alone,
there are others who feel this way.
Through this torture I have grown,
and now I'm sure that friends we'll stay.


MY INVISIBLE VALENTINE

On the day the world celebrates love,
I am lonely as a single dove.
Those around me have someone;
my heart seems to come undone.
The one with whom I'd spend this day -
if everything had gone my way -
chose another to be with;
this doesn't to ease the myth
I've heard about cupid's time,
when hearts and roses are in their prime.
So I sit at home and spend today alone,
unlike so many, I will not be a clone.
though I don't have someone to share today,
it's okay - I like it this way.
I'm sick of romance and meaningless mush.
So why can't the world learn to hush?
I'm not listening, nor do I care.
you and your eyes can continue to stare.
I will not move.  No, I won't budge -
I don't care who dares to judge.
There's no one out there to "Be Mine",
so I am with my Invisible Valentine.


THE HOLE

As I lay here listening to the steady beat of the falling rain,
I realize how often you have been the cause of my pain.
I know you must do it without thinking,
for as I listen to this soft, gentle plinking,
I know you would never intentionally hurt me,
that is unless you have been deceiving me.
That same mellow, cooling rain
has been a comfort to my pain.
Along with that hurt, I know
comes mild joy to soften it's blow.
Though after the pain, it helps
to soothe those aching welts,
which came by your indifferent acts.
My life - something it lacks.
I wish you knew what that something was.
This shouldn't hurt, but then again, it does.
What's missing is one simple part -
you're the thread to fix the hole in my heart.

WHY?

Why do I feel a surge of energy when you enter the room?
Why does the sound of your voice send chills up my spine?
Why does my mood lways brighten when I'm with you?
Why does my heart leap at the mention of your name?
Why does a memory of you bring a smile to my face?
Why do I blush when I think about you?
Why does everything remind me somehow of you?
Why does it hurt so much to be away from you?
Why does the room seem to go cold when you leave it?
Why do I hurt when I see you in pain?
Why do I care so much about you?
Why do I feel so incomplete without you?

NO GAMES

When your hand brushes against mine,
it sends chills up and down my spine.
How much longer will this go on?
I think of you more than just dark to dawn.
Do you know how much I care?
It's hard for me not to stare.
My one desire is to be with you.
Why can't you desire me, too?
The ache of lonliness, forever I feel,
that is until you learn; I'm sure you will,
that I need you - I want you
Will you ever need or want me, too?
Without you I feel like I'll die.
With you I feel I could fly.
High above the earth I'd sore,
far away from work and chore.
this flight is caused by you alone;
without it, I feel like a clone.
Please tell me that you feel the same!
I want you to know, it's not a game.


SOMEDAY

If I told you that I think I love you
would you be able to say that to me, too?
If I said that for you I'd run to the rainbow's end,
would you still talk to me?  could we still be friends?
When you hurt, your pain I can feel;
sometimes I barely know it's real.
My life seems empty without you there,
but do you notice?  do you even care?
At the thought of not being with you, my heart aches;
keeping my mind off you - lots of energy that takes.
Even though it hurts, I know you can't be mine;
I feel like I'm dangling from a piece of twine.
What you do has more effect on me than you could know -
the pain I feel is hard not to show.
Why do things have to go on this way?
Maybe they'll change? Maybe - someday.

THE DISEASE

I try to move on - really, I do.
You're the only one who can pull me through.
Do you know this?  Probably not.
For if you did, I could untangle this knot.
It binds me tight and keeps me here.
One thing that could help - if you were near.
You've changed me - in more ways than one.
You've opened my eyes again and showed me the sun!
You've brought back to me a smile and pleasure,
sometimes it seems to grow beyond measure.
Then, as easily as it was given, it is taken,
and again my world seems to be shaken.
Release me from this torture, I beg of you!  Please!
I want to be rid of this terrible disease!

The Human Condition

Ok, so there is one aspect of life that is just so incredibly human. Emotions.

Now, I can say that there are instances that I wish I didn't have to feel those emotions. Those are the times that I'm feeling sad, angry, stressed, nervous, etc.

But you know what? If I never felt those awful emotions, I couldn't feel the good ones, either. Happy, elated, joyful, excited, content, ecstatic, enthusiastic, exhilarated...just to name a few. I cannot tell you how much I wish I could ALWAYS feel only these emotions.

Yet, what I know must be true, is that if we never felt depressed, hurt, annoyed, etc. we wouldn't know how good we have it when things are going well. We are creatures that compare everything. We compare ourselves to those around us. We compare our things to the things others have. We compare our innermost thoughts/feelings with what we assume others are thinking/feeling (even though what we think to be true about others is not!). I dislike this comparing in most things. However, without it, a great day, full of wonderful emotions, would seem standard or typical.

I am so thankful that I am human. I am thankful for the terrible, awful, no-good, bad feelings that we have. Without them, we wouldn't know the enjoyable emotions that there are. And I haven't even felt a bunch of them! I can't wait. :)

Oops!

I'm a bad blogger lately. My mind's been in the clouds! I promise a much better update this weekend!

Writing Challenge #1 of ?

So, here's the backstory. My co-worker (the middle school English teacher) was telling me a couple weeks ago how she sometimes has her students to a writing assignment based on certain criteria. She explained that sometimes she will walk around the room and put a sticky note on each students desk with a couple of vocabulary words for them to use. The words come from a list they are working on.

Well, that got me thinking. It's a great idea, of course, to have students write regularly, whether there are strict criteria or not. I am a firm believer in the fact that there are very few naturally good writers. Most good writers developed themselves by writing even when they didn't think they could. Now, that's not to say that there isn't an occasional brilliant pupil who turns out to have extreme natural talent for writing. That does happen. However, many students are too much "in their heads" about it. They stress out about their writing, and they struggle to make it happen because it's a painful process when you stress and over-think. Giving them set criteria can make this easier OR more difficult, depending on the criteria and the individuals writing.

Well, I liked the idea of challenging myself to write more, especially by writing with certain criteria. I thought of it almost like a standup comedian who asks the audience for a setting, topic, etc. to make an improv scene happen. Things like that has always been entertaining to me. So, I decided I wanted to give myself some criteria and set forth on a writing adventure. I didn't particularly want to do this alone, so I asked my friend Amy if she would join me in this challenge. We were in the car, driving down to San Diego to visit another friend when we hammered out the details. As we discussed, we compared this to the television show on the Food Network called "Chopped", where the cooks are given a basket of random ingredients and they have to create part of a meal using what is included. Now, they are not limited to the basket, but each thing inside the basket is required to be included. Since we aren't cooking, our "ingredients" are things like vocabulary and literary devices. You know, the sorts of things authors and poets use when they write. Normal, but when they are more random, it creates a sort of "curveball" situation. The last time we watched "Chopped", we also noticed that they threw in the most ridiculous things possible to make the competition even more intense and see how creative the chefs could be. We called this the "jellybean", because one episode we watched had a different type of candy included in each basket/round. One round, the candy was a grape jellybean.

Based on the general idea we had, and the way we wanted this to work, we agreed upon the following criteria:

Genre: Writer's choice
Literary Device: PersonificationPoint of View: First Person"Jellybean": list of airports in US: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/list_of_airports_in_the_United_States#Random vocab words: tranche & airfoil Also need to include a title!Due Date: April 27, 2013

So, keep your eyes peeled for some sort of written work. I'll be posting it on or before April 27, and I hope you'll also check Amy's page around then, too. I can't wait to see what we come up with. 






Although, I must admit...I'm a little bit nervous about it, too!