Quieting myself

So, Quakers don't take physical communion.  Instead, we commune with God by quieting ourselves and listening to His Spirit.  I don't remember this happening very much growing up.  Rose Drive Friends Church (hereafter referred to as RDFC) did this, but it was about 1 minute long.  RDFC was the first church I attended growing up where I remember this quiet time happening at all.  I remember 1 minute of silence being absolutely excruciating!

Well, since I've moved to the Pacific Northwest, I've had the opportunity to attend a few more Friends (Quaker) churches.  2nd street, while linked to the Friends church, did not wholly embrace all the Quaker-isms.  I actually can't remember if they did the silent times, or if they did how long they were.  Newberg Friends, on the other hand, took it to a new level for me.  Not only did they have the quiet times, but they had long periods of their services set aside for silent times.  During these silent times, however, not only were you supposed to quiet yourself and listen to God's Spirit, but if you felt the Spirit's leading, you could stand and share whatever you were lead to share with the congregation.  Reedwood Friends had a similar time in their services.  I know there were other Friends churches in the area that had entire services that were "Unprogrammed", or entirely purposed for these silent times and sharing as the Spirit led.

Well, I feel it is not completely necessary for me to say that I struggle with quieting myself.  Anyone who knows me beyond simply being acquaintances probably is aware that I am not someone who can sit still and be quiet for that long.  However, that is all the outward quietness anyways!  As Quakers, we are encouraged to quiet our inner selves.  I know no one can fully understand how hard this is for me, because you've never been inside my brain.  I'm sure some of you struggle with similar things, but let me tell you...I am CONSTANTLY thinking.  It is hard for me to clear my head before bed, let alone as I sit in the pew in church on Sunday morning.  Now, I'm not saying that I spend these quiet times thinking about what I'm going to eat for lunch, or who I want to call/text and see if they are free to hang out.  No, it's not exactly that.  It's just random thoughts that I can't turn off.

For example: Today, I went to a new church.  It's not a Friends/Quaker church, because there aren't any Friends/Quaker churches in Oregon City.  I don't particularly want to leave my immediate community for church, so I did some research and found a church I thought I'd be willing to attend.  I figured I'd at least try it, anyways.  Well, first of all, when the pastor said we were going to have silent prayer time, I prepped myself for a few minutes of silence.  Oh, no.  The organ kept playing.  There was my first problem.  Music?  I'm totally not going to be focused on prayer now!  However, I tried, despite the fact that I knew before I started that it was a losing battle.  Well, I prayed for about...10 seconds, before my brain started thinking about my lesson plans for the week, and how certain students were doing, and which students I'd need to check in with and see if they needed help, and OH!  I wonder what my coworker does with that student in his/her classroom.  Oh, boy.  Maybe I should've focused my prayers toward school.  Mind you, each of these thoughts took up no more than 3 seconds each.  This is practically my stream of consciousness as it happened.  Well, that was pretty much all I had time for!  The silent prayer time was probably about a minute or just over!  It's weird going back to short silent prayers after sitting for more than 20 minutes at some churches.

I'm going to make it a goal of mine to work on quieting myself.  I try to do it during Mass at school.  I can't take communion in Mass, since I'm not a confirmed Catholic.  Quakers don't usually do communion anyways, though I do partake sometimes (depending on where I am and the requirements/pressure).  Instead, during Mass, after I get back and have knelt down, I do my best to quiet myself and commune with God.  It's hard, especially since there's music, children all around me, and people moving through the aisles as they take communion.  I try to focus on quieting myself for a minute or so, though, because it's the only communion with God I can have in a Catholic Mass.

I suppose I'd better start quieting myself at other times of the day/week, too.

I have this problem at night, sometimes.  I read in bed-it's my means of winding down so I can get to sleep.  Well, I often read until my eyelids are too heavy to keep open.  Sometimes, though, as soon as I turn off my reading light, my brain starts going a mile a minute and I can't get to sleep.  Ugh.  Quieting myself is just so hard!

Anyone else have trouble with this?  Whether in church or bed...haha!