For most of my life, I readily accepted the label of "extrovert". I didn't question it. However, since moving to a new state where I knew next to no one, I noticed a change in myself. I was less and less extroverted, and I couldn't figure out why.
I've thought about this quite a bit over the last few months, probably since January, actually. It had been on the back of my mind prior to that point. After trying to figure it out on my own and having very little, if any luck, I decided to look into things further with the Meiers-Briggs. I had taken the Meiers-Briggs before, and according to my results (big shock) was an extrovert. This time, however, my results showed that I am an introvert. So, that made me think a little more about myself and who I am, as well as how that may have changed over the past few years.
I grew up in one county for the first 18 years of my life, and when I did move away for college, I didn't stray far (30 minutes by car). I had always attended a Friends church, though each of the 3 I had attended was different from the others in many ways. I was involved in music from a young age all the way through college. I knew where I fit in this context. I was comfortable with who I was and who I was "expected" to be within this world. Being comfortable, it wasn't that hard for me to reach out to others and be friendly and talkative. I had no fear (or at least very little) when it came to talking to strangers and miscellaneous people in my small, non-diverse world.
Here's where it all changed: I moved out of my comfortable, small, non-diverse world. In February 2010, I moved from the greater LA area to rural, small town Oregon. By small town, I mean less than 3500 people live there. Don't get me wrong-the small town is a piggy-back town to a 20,000+ town. But it was very different from what I was used to in Orange County, CA or Long Beach, where my dad lives. I was also far, far away from all the friends I loved and was used to spending all my time with. I was also away from my church, and all the comforts it provided. (This is a separate story, though.) In nearly all aspects, life was different. Transition can be hard, and this transition was very hard on me. I was depressed and having a hard time acknowledging it. On top of that, I started to realize how hard it really is for me to reach outside of myself and connect with others. I struggled to find a job, and until I found a job I had no friends to spend time with. Even after finding a job, my interactions with my coworkers were pretty much only at work. It was better to have some contact than none, but I was still most comfortable going home and "doing my own thing". I knew things would change when I started school full time in June-they just HAD to.
Well, they definitely changed. I spent a lot more time away from home, but not truly socializing. Some of my classmates were really great at reaching out to other people, and they made me feel more comfortable. However, looking back on the whole program, I only have a few friends from school that I would consider lasting friends. We aren't even all that close. More like, we meet up once every few months to catch up. It's better than nothing, but they aren't part of my daily life. Anyway, back to 2010. I was attending church with my mom, where there were hardly any people near my age. There were a few, but I only knew one of them, and she was also part of my program at George Fox. I don't know why we didn't get closer than we were. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, or she didn't? Or neither of us. I have no clue. She was very sweet, and we have occasionally gone to coffee. The point is, church was not what I was used to. Much of that is due to the "cultural" differences between Orange County, CA and Yamhill County, OR. Or even Portland, OR for that matter. There's definitely a different mindset up here.
While I was in the MAT at George Fox, though, I also played in the handbell choir. That was something I was comfortable with. I had also joined the community band in Newberg, and was playing bells at 2 local churches. This was the ONE area I had any control over, and it felt good to be a part of music groups. The two handbell choirs at the churches and the community band were not real opportunities to meet people my own age. I enjoyed them nonetheless. I was engaging in something I wanted to be a part of, which was kind of a big step for me. The Fox bell choir was different. The other members were in college. Sure, I was a year or two older (or at least ahead of them in school), but they were close to my age and we had something in common. I really enjoyed being a part of that group, and I met 3 friends through that group. Well, more than 3, but 3 that I really spent any amount of time with.
Somehow, though, I've "changed" from an extrovert to an introvert by being in Oregon, or at least through the experiences I've had here. This made me really dig deep and try to analyze myself. I believe I am walking the fence between the two, and what causes me to go one way or another is how comfortable I am in a certain area. When putting myself out there is easier, or I expect a positive reaction to just being me, I am more extroverted. I enjoy spending time with people I am comfortable with, or at least in a setting where I am comfortable. However, in new settings, or settings I am not as comfortable with, I turn introverted. It takes way more energy than I like to expend to interact with others. It's very interesting. I can sometimes turn it on and off, or it seems so. I can "choose" to be extroverted or introverted. I know that's not entirely true. And honestly, I think I am more introverted than extroverted, because no matter how much time I spend with others, I am always wanting to come home and be by myself. I think that's why I love living alone so much. I can have as much space as I want.
So, now that I've explained myself? HA. Here's the reason for all this back story...
Yesterday, I was waiting for my mom to get to Bridgeport. To kill time, I went into one of my favorite stores-Paper Source. They have amazing paper goods, and also a ton of random items...Star Wars, Jane Austen, random inspirational quotes, funny joke books and items, etc. Basically, for someone with a quirky sense of humor that leans to the dorky side, it's a blast. I walked in, and it was nearly empty. One of the employees greeted me, and I went about my business. Then she started talking to me. I didn't want to be rude, so I responded. Mistake. She KEPT talking to me. I just kept thinking to myself, "Go away!!!" I wanted to browse in peace, but she kept pointing me to items she just loved, and trying to engage me in conversation. At one point, she even said, "Oh let me show you something!" and motioned for me to follow her. No, thanks. I should've said that. Ugh.
Anyway, it was painful in multiple ways. Praise the Lord my mom called me and got me out of there. =)
No comments:
Post a Comment