"You'll Understand When..."

This phrase is used frequently, yet those who use it rarely realize the innate condescension within the phrase. It implies so much more than the words mean on their own. It also indicates a lack if personal relationship (or at least a very deep personal relationship) with the person to whom this phrase is said.

Let's look closely at a couple examples:

1. "You'll understand when you're older."
       First of all, if the condescension is not obvious to you-woo boy are you in for a treat!
The biggest issue with this one is the implication that someone who is young cannot understand something based solely on the fact that they are younger than you. False. Someone younger than you is just as capable of understanding the same things you understand.
       Even the Bible tells "young folk" not to allow those who are older to look down on them:
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

2. "You'll understand when you have kids."
     This one is not only condescending, but it touches on a topic that can be very sensitive for some. What if the person you say this to is longing to be a parent, but isn't yet? Maybe he or she is single, but longs to be married and start a family? Or maybe the person you say this to has made the decision not to be a parent?
     By saying, "You'll understand when you have kids," you assert your privilege over the other. It feels very much like you are trying to put them in their place, like they are beneath you and belong there. Our society hands privilege to those who fit within the realm of "normal"-those who fit into the societal conventions, such as, those who get married, have 2.5 kids, and have the white picket fence.
     Let's be honest-not everyone fits into that stereotype, nor would we want them to! Can you imagine THAT boring society? Just because someone doesn't have children doesn't mean they cannot grasp what it means to love someone unconditionally, or in ways that are hard to imagine or comprehend, or what it means to deal with children. As a teacher, I know that having kids is not a vital ingredient in being successful. It also doesn't mean there are things I absolutely don't understand.

These are the most common uses of the phrase, but it is used in many other scenarios. Basically, the use of the phrase is uncalled for and condescending. The assumption with this statement is thus: "I know better than you because..."

Life experience is valuable. I don't mean to negate any real life knowledge or understanding you (or someone you know) have gained. That is true and valid.

It absolutely DOES NOT allow you to treat others as less than you because they have different life experiences (or fewer life experiences). Think before you speak. Your words carry weight.

Treat others how you would like to be treated. Acknowledge that you may not have a full grasp of someone else's understanding. Don't make assumptions.