Summer Growth

So, summer seems to always be a season where I learn a lot about myself. I think it's because I don't take time to quiet myself during the rest of the year and my schedule is full of so many things that I don't spend time "with myself" the way I do in the summertime.

This summer has been a season of transitions for me:

• I started going to counseling/therapy. Is there a correct term? Are they different? How do I know? Anyway, not matter which one you call it...I've been going. It has been helpful for working through a variety of things, including the things listed below.
• This spring to take a year off from teaching. It was a difficult decision, because I've known my WHOLE life that I wanted to be a teacher (since I was 3!). I know, though, that it was the right decision. 
• I hadn't cleaned my house in MONTHS, and now I have cleaned the majority of it. There are still some spaces for me to sort through and purge, but I have cleaned the main living spaces and set up a guest room. I call that a win. 
• I haven't talked to my dad since October 2017. (This has been hard, and is not really something I'm ready to discuss on my blog.) My therapist has been helping me work through things and had me write a letter to him. I wrote it about a month and a half ago, and then I read it in my counseling session. She suggested a few "edits", which I took into account and then I rewrote the letter. I brought it to my next session, and she suggested I read it aloud to myself a couple more times before I sent it. I finalized the letter tonight and mailed it. I am anxious, but hopeful.
• I've dealt with a lot of anxiety. This past year my anxiety had gotten pretty intense. I wasn't really having major "episodes", but I was struggling to get every day things done (i.e. cleaning my house, dishes, laundry, walking the dog, grocery shopping, etc). I still have tough days, but I've gotten so much better about a lot of things. I am positive that a huge part of this improvement is because I'm not working and my commitment level this summer was MUCH lower than in past summers. That said, I'm hoping that it doesn't go right back to how it was when I do start working.
• The last 4 summers I have participated in camps - counseling, arts & crafts, directing. This summer I didn't do ANY of that. I didn't help with camps in any way. It was hard, because I have absolutely loved helping with camps the last several years...BUT, I think it was a necessary break that allowed me to focus on my own personal growth.
• I have started leading music at church periodically. In February, I led music for our church Women's Retreat. Several people told me after the retreat that I should lead at church, too. So, I finally agreed and went ahead and led. It went well, so I led again a month or so later. I've led probably 4 times now, and I'm leading again this Sunday. It's something I would NEVER have considered in the past, likely due to my anxiety. I'm pretty sure, though, that leading has actually helped with my anxiety in an odd way. Praise the Lord for that!
• In years past I have played clarinet in the Marion County Citizen's Band. Last September, following the Mt. Angel Oktoberfest (a HUGE commitment for the band) I stopped going to rehearsals. I initially intended to take a brief break, but it ended up being all school-year long and most of the summer, as well. I started going to rehearsals again a few weeks ago, and I plan to keep going. I dropped ALL of my hobbies and "extracurriculars" due to my anxiety. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to continue going to rehearsals and playing with the band. It's something I really enjoyed in the past, but I found it to be too much this past year.
• I stopped participating in a variety of things I had previously committed to. This was a REALLY healthy thing for me. Several of these commitments have been "sucking me dry" of energy and enthusiasm. It's sad, because each of the things I gave up had been wonderful, life-giving things in the past. I guess everything has a season.
• I had a doctor's appointment. (A little background on my health "journey": I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. One of the many symptoms of PCOS is pre-diabetes. I have known about this for years and have made a variety of changes to my lifestyle in regards to how I eat. However, with all the anxiety and stress over the last year I had gone back to really awful eating habits.) At my appointment, I had some blood work done, including my A1C, which is basically a measurement of my average blood sugars over the prior 3 months. The results for my A1C were NOT in the pre-diabetic range, but there were in the diabetic range. This is obviously not ideal. She suggested that I try to bring my A1C back down into the pre-diabetic range with diet, and recommended that I follow the ketogenic diet strictly for 3 months. I've been working hard to follow it, though I think I've slipped up a few times. I've lost some weight, which is great! My goal wasn't to lose weight, but rather just to drop my carbs down to the level she had recommended to me at my appointment to hopefully bring my A1C down also. I'm glad for the weight loss, though. It doesn't seem to be consistent, though, which is frustrating. I'm eating so carefully, and I hate that I have to work so hard for weight loss. That said...I need to up my exercise game, which I'm positive plays a part in the lack of weight loss. So, that's another goal I'm working on.
• There are a few other things that have happened this summer that I'm not quite ready to share with my blog just yet. I anticipate that I'll be ready to share them with you someday, but that day is not today.

Back in January, I wrote this statement/reminder on a small whiteboard that stays on my refrigerator: 

"Saying NO is not letting others down. It is taking care of yourself enough to be able to give 100% to the things you've already said YES to.

This has been an important reminder. I need to focus my energy on the things that are most important to me. I need to recognize when things are not serving me well and let go of them, even if they are things I want to include in my life. It might just be something I need to wait on.

I know I have lots more growing and learning to do, but I am grateful for the ways I've worked on myself this summer. I am also grateful for the friends and family who have surrounded me with love and support, some without even fully realizing the importance of their love. Thank you.

Also...I really WANT to blog more. It's pretty cathartic to write about things, and I have so many important things to share with you. Here's hoping that can become a habit as well! :)