Exhaustion

I'm really tired. I'm really tired of being personally attacked for my opinion. I'm really tired of feeling like this country is becoming less and less safe. I'm really tired of all the "American Dream" ideals I was taught as a child being shattered before my eyes as other people are mistreated. I'm just tired.

Watching a strong woman like Dr. Christine Blasey Ford fight against her abuser in a public hearing for the WHOLE COUNTRY to see, and hearing the horrible, demeaning comments from some of the senators involved makes me feel hopeless.

As a queer woman, I'm terrified of what the future might be. I've worked so hard to reduce my anxiety and to learn coping strategies. This isn't helping. If women can be treated as a man's sexual plaything and do NOTHING to fight back, what happens when a queer person has something happen and needs to fight back? How can I trust a broken system to protect me? How can I trust a broken system with my femaleness OR my queerness?

If you haven't read and/or seen the Handmaid's Tale, I think you should. I feel like the hearing today is yet another step toward to reality of Gilead. I am scared of that kind of future. I'm afraid for my safety, but more than that for my mental health.

I know this post has a lot of negative stuff in it. I want those who have read it to know I'm safe. I'm not in danger, and I have no plans or thoughts of self harm. I'm just incredibly exhausted. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I want to fight the patriarchy and replace the broken systems.

I want so badly to participate in activism, but my anxiety prevents me. I get overwhelmed with the backlash from a Facebook post. I have spent the last 6 hours in an anxious mess because I posted something on Facebook in support of Dr. Ford. I don't think Judge Kavanaugh should be appointed to the Supreme Court. Whether he's guilty or innocent of the allegations, he proved himself to be a man who avoids the truth, blames others, and in an attempt to avoid a question about his drinking, asks the senator who posed the question about her drinking habits. I don't think that's someone who should be part of SCOTUS.

I'm just tired, friends. I'm anxious about things, and I know I'll feel *a little* better in the morning after a good night's sleep. Let's just hope I can actually get a good night's sleep.

I believe survivors. I stand with victims.