Faking it.

So, there are a few areas in my life that I have been told that I "fake it well". Let me give you some details.

1. I work at a Catholic school, and I am not Catholic. I did everything in my power to blend in last year, and early on I was told by a co-worker that I "fake" being a Catholic so well that if she hadn't already known I was a Protestant, she wouldn't have a clue that I wasn't Catholic.

2. Yesterday, I was working at a teacher in-service training for the Archdiocese in a group of Music teachers. I felt so out of place, because my teacher training is not in Music, but rather self-contained Elementary. While talking to a co-worker on the phone about it after the in-service, I mentioned that I am making everything up as I go. I was told that I "fake it well".

Well, is that what I want my life to be? A series of faking my way through various activities? Is that actually how I should be doing things?

Now, I realize that my "faking it" isn't all faking. I do have a musical background, and while I don't have a degree in Music Education, I was a Music Ed major for the first 2 years of college. In those years, I completed all 4 semesters of theory, all 4 semesters of sight singing/aural skills, and I took 2 music education classes. I also continued to perform in multiple music ensembles even after changing my major, AND I took a class for my new major that was geared toward non-music teachers and how to teach music. So, am I truly faking it all? No, but it sure feels that way sometimes!

I guess the hard part for me is that I like to just be me. I want to be myself in everything that I do, and while I feel I often do a good job at being myself, even when I feel pressured to be someone else, I sometimes fall a little short in some areas. I regularly do the sign of the cross and pray prayers at school that I would not pray at home or in other circles. I sometimes feel very uncomfortable with that. I don't see Mary as any form of deity, or even as being someone to pray to. I don't believe in the concept of praying to saints. It's extremely Protestant of me, but shoot! I am a Protestant! When we pray a "Hail Mary" at work, I feel so out of place-like a fish out of water. I am a Protestant, stuck in a Catholic bubble. I don't entirely disagree with it, and there are many times that I enjoy it. But what about the times I feel out of place? I can't shake the feeling that I don't quite belong. I try to convince myself that if I was in a self-contained classroom, that sense of "not-belonging" would go away, but I don't think it will. I think the sense of "not-belonging" I have when I teach music would go away, because I'd be teaching what I am more comfortable with. But what about the religious aspects? I don't agree with them 100%. In fact, it's probably much, much less that 100%! I don't even agree with my closest friends and family members 100% in the faith areas...and they're all Protestant!

I really love the community where I work. The kids are great, the families are great, it's wonderful to be connected in a community that has faith (even if it is a little different than my own), and the staff (usually) is fabulous.

But is it really worth it if I have to fake it?