Ok, I'm going to be 100% open and real in this blog post. If you're someone who doesn't do well with the female anatomy or talk of medical procedures, you're going to want to click away and skip this blog post.
Until today, I hadn't been to the doctor in probably 5-6 years. First, it was because of my phone anxiety and not being sure which doctor to go to. Then, it was just a habit not to go. Amidst all the changes and stresses going on, I just skipped it. It was easier, though not good in the long run.
My last doctor told me I didn't need to do a pap smear, since I wasn't sexually active. I'd never had one, and she said as long as I wasn't having sex that was ok. Somewhere along the way, I decided I needed to have a pap smear. Why? I have no clue. I think I felt like it was the adult thing to do. Full disclosure: I'm still not sexually active, and never have been. So, why did I feel the need to have the pap smear? Whatever.
So, today I went to the doctor. A friend of mine who I used to work with recommended a doctor to me, and fortunately that doctor was taking new patients. So, I went. In all honesty, I wasn't aware that when I told them over the phone when making my appointment that I hadn't had an annual exam in several years that I was "signing up" for a pap smear. I didn't request it. They didn't ask. I guess it was just an assumption.
Going over all the details before my exam, we discussed the pap smear. I said I felt like I should do it. It seemed like an area of my health I had zero information about, and I should have all the information. She talked me through the process and assured me that if I wasn't sexually active that I wouldn't have cervical cancer, which is what the pap smear checks for. I guess I should have said, "Nevermind then," at that point, but I went on...full steam ahead.
When we got to the pap smear portion of the exam, she talked me through the process again, and began.
Um...why did no one tell me it hurt like hell? Also, why do women not talk more openly about pap smears in general?
Basically, here's what happened. It hurt. A LOT. She reminded me the helpful tips she'd already given me, which weren't helping. As she was trying to get the speculum in place, my body decided it had had ENOUGH and pushed it out. It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't mean to. In fact, I apologized to her.
I. apologized. to. the. doctor. for. my. body's. natural. response. WHAT?!
That's ridiculous. I wouldn't apologize if I could go back and "do it over". In fact, if I could go back, I think I would have asked her, "So, if you're certain the pap smear will come back with no abnormalities because I'm not sexually active, is there any reason for me to do it today?" I wish I had decided NOT to do it.
Here's what REALLY frustrates me:
I left my appointment, which was pleasant and "successful" in all other manners, but I felt ashamed.
I felt shame that my body had decided it didn't want to be invaded in that way. I felt ashamed that I couldn't "suck it up" and get through an exam so many women go through.
Why the hell can't we find another way to check for abnormal or cancerous cells in a woman's cervix? Why do we have to go through such a horribly uncomfortable (ok, painful) and invasive procedure as our "standard" medical care?
Even worse, why did I feel so ashamed that I hadn't gotten a pap smear already or that my body effectively rejected it?
Friends, this is weird. I felt like a freak. That's not ok. I think it's completely normal to not want a foreign object inserted into my body.
I don't feel violated, but I definitely felt like it was a level of invasiveness that was beyond my comfort level.
I've spent all afternoon and evening coming to grips with this. I'm not a freak. It's not something to be ashamed of. I don't feel bad about it anymore. I feel like it's completely acceptable to uncomfortable with the procedure.
So, ladies...who else has had horrible experiences with pap smears or other procedures?
In other news, I'm working to improve my habits about seeing doctors. So, there's that.
It does make you wonder why they persist with pap smears if there is 0 chance of cervical cancer. Wouldn't a pelvic exam be enough?
ReplyDeleteI saw a doc at urgent care that told me I had an acute pelvic infection, most likely from a STD or pregnancy. I was like, um, I don't think so, but she said it is hard for people to hear, and I needed to come to terms with it, that either me or my husband had contracted an STD. And I needed a pregnancy test. I could tell if I continued to deny, it would look like I was in, well, denial. In the end, it turned out to be an acute colon infection, diverticulitis. My regular doctor and I had a good laugh about it a few days later, and she said I think you need a colonoscopy eventually. The good thing was both infections were treated the same, so I got better.
That is why forming a relationship is key. Doctors are trained skeptics. They are used to people denying and lying, but when you have a relationship they know you, your personality, and your patterns.