FEEL Your Worth

Hello, friends! I have returned to this blog after more than a 3 year hiatus (we're actually only couple months away from 4 years!). SO MUCH has happened in the last 4 years, and if you've been around but don't follow me on social media it's possible you've missed quite a bit. 

There are many details that are not super important to share now (though if I continue blogging over the coming months like I want, things will probably come up over time). However, there are some details that are important.

First, I have a wonderful partner named Eli (he/they). We started dating a little over three years ago. He's pretty incredible, and while some things will be sprinkled into this blog post, you might have to wait for future blog posts for more details because Eli's not the focus today.

Second, last time I updated I lived in Newberg, OR with my mom and my sister. I have moved TWICE since then. Eli and I moved to Wilsonville, OR together in 2020 and we now live in Tualatin, OR (since late 2021).

Last (for now), I'm still working at Silverton Area Community Aid (SACA), but my role has shifted significantly. I started in 2018 as the Intake Specialist, primarily working the front desk, answering phones, getting folks connected with resources and checked in for SACA services (food pantry, financial assistance, etc). I've changed titles a few times and taken on more responsibilities. My current title is Executive Assistant and my job encompasses MANY things (communications, database management, Spanish translation, volunteer coordination, etc). It has been wonderful leaning into this new role. I feel like my skills and interests are being used well to support SACA in providing vital services to the Silverton community. I still commute 4 days a week...that's 60 miles round trip, so about 240 miles a week!

And now we get to the purpose of this post.

-----

In early January, Eli and I attended the Q Christian Fellowship (QCF) conference in Washington, DC. QCF is a wonderful organization that provides space (physically and virtually) for LGBTQIA+ Christians and Christian-adjacent LGBTQIA+ folks. I say Christian-adjacent, but there's really no requirement to have ANY connection to Christian beliefs or faith of any sort...many of us do, however.

This year's conference theme was "Liberated to Love", and it was woven throughout the messages of each of the general sessions. We heard from so many queer and queer affirming folks, speaking about liberation, overcoming oppression, and tearing down barriers. We also had wonderful worship led by Q Worship Collective. They brought original songs as well as songs many of us knew (sometimes updated for theological reasons).

Throughout the weekend, there were a variety of affinity groups (spaces to gather with folks who share similar identities), breakout sessions covering a variety of topics, a podcast stage with live recordings, casual meetups planned by other conference attendees, and more. It's hard to adequately describe the many ways to connect with folks, learn more about oneself/others, and listen to new perspectives.

This was my first time attending QCF conference in person. Eli had attended a couple times (2018 and 2019). Neither of us attended in 2020. Eli was registered from the 2021 virtual conference (and I attended alongside him without having access to the Whova app where folks were connecting) and we both registered and attended the 2022 virtual conference. I enjoyed meeting folks from all over the world through the virtual conferences in 2021 and 2022, but it was SO LOVELY getting to meet friends face to face and hug them.

---

Exploring DC

Because this year's conference was in Washington, DC, it was necessary to add a little time to our trip so we could explore. Eli had never been to DC! I had been twice - when I was 8 and again when I was 13. Ideally we would have had a LOT more time to explore the city than we ended up with, but time off work was limited by our need to make money. 😂 The conference was January 5-8, and we were in DC January 4-9 (Wednesday-Monday). Just a little extra time.

Our flight landed on Wednesday night around 6pm. A VERY pleasant surprise on our flight was that our friend Emmy (they/them) was in the same row as us. It was so nice not having to sit near a total stranger for 5-6 hours. We shared an Uber with them to the Washington Hilton (where conference was held) also.

Eli had brought a Voodoo donut for our friend Evan (she/he/they), and we planned to meet up with Evan and their partner Jess (she/he/they). Jess is a hockey fan, so we met up at the sports bar in the Hilton because there was a Canada/US juniors match. Jess had to explain a lot about hockey, including what juniors is...my baseball brain understands it as the minor league for the NHL and it's for ages 14-18. Obviously that's not a totally accurate description, but that was my takeaway. Evan had also brought some treats for Eli (and me, but I couldn't eat them because gluten 😢). Eli and I had planned to check out some museums on Thursday, and so had Evan and Jess. So we decided to explore together!

On Thursday we met up for breakfast and ended up at a quirky little diner called "Lincoln Waffle Shop". It happened to be directly across the street from the Ford Theater and next to the "House Where Lincoln Died". (For those who don't know, Lincoln was shot and assassinated while watching a performance at the Ford Theater and was then taken across the street for care, but later died). This was extremely funny to me because my maternal grandmother was obsessed with Abraham Lincoln. I probably knew more about Abe Lincoln as a kid than any of my peers would ever CARE to know. My grandmother also had a "Lincoln Rocker" - a rocking chair in the style of the rocking chair that Lincoln was sitting in at the Ford Theater when he was shot and assassinated. After my grandmother died, I got her Lincoln Rocker. It's currently in my dad's garage (last I knew). 'Twas quite an entertaining juxtaposition for me, though I don't think Eli, Evan, or Jess thought it was quite as funny as I did. They all humored me, though!

We then wandered over to the Smithsonian National Air & Space Museum. I could tell Evan and Jess enjoyed it, but Eli was THRILLED. He loves museums in general, but airplanes and space? Sign him up ANY TIME. We spent quite a bit of time exploring. I had to take a few breaks as my back was hurting. Honestly, I'm surprised my back wasn't more of a problem this trip since it started out this way. I guess it resolved itself after Thursday? Who knows?

After the Air & Space Museum, we went basically next door to the National Museum of the American Indian. I had very high hopes for this museum. I had heard such good things about the cafe at the restaurant. I also expected it to be more Indigenous-led than it seemed to be. Clearly, I was disappointed. It felt EXTREMELY white-centered to me, which was frustrating. The language used to describe the Trail of Tears was something like..."The Trail of Tears was one of the most bold and breathtaking decisions the United States ever made". I put it in quotes, but this is really my paraphrase from memory. I KNOW it used the word bold and the word breathtaking. That's what got to me. I perceive "bold and breathtaking" as a positive description. I do NOT believe the Trail of Tears was positive. It was harmful. Just astounding that they used those words. Next, I was angered by the fact that they had panels showing info about specific people who were somehow involved with the Trail of Tears. It went like this - white man, white man, white man, white man, white woman, Indigenous person, white man. And the first white man they listed? Thomas-fucking-Jefferson. Now look, I understand the history a little bit here. Was Thomas Jefferson involved with the Trail of Tears? Yes. Should he have been front-and-center in a museum that was supposedly about "American Indians"? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Ugh. I was also mad that they had a whole room dedicated to Pocahontas, where they not only glossed over her story and the very real possibility that she was kidnapped, forcibly married off to a white man, and raped, but they never ONCE mentioned her real name. Her name was Matoaka (though I'm not sure whether that's an accurate spelling). Pocahontas was her nickname. And while the colonists were introduced to her as Pocahontas, I feel they should have at least mentioned her real name. Bottom line, I do not recommend this museum. I should have known from its name. *sigh*

Then we headed back to the conference, so thus commences our tourism break. Haha.

The conference ended on Sunday midday, and somehow Jess and Eli convinced Evan that he and I needed to take them to the LEGO store in the mall across the Potomac River in Arlington, VA. I say they convinced Evan because I never agreed to it. I went along with it in end, but I don't think they really needed my approval to insist that we go. (Jess and Eli, don't read the next couple of sentences...) If they'd directly asked, I would have said yes...but don't tell them that. As far as they're concerned, I never agreed to go. Unfortunately, after the LEGO store Evan and Jess had to head to the airport. Eli and I had an after conference event, but that's not tourism or exploring, haha. We did, however, make plans to hang out with Nathan (he/him) and Emmy (who we sat next to on the flight) on Monday to go to the National Museum of African American History and Culture (I will abbreviate as "African American Museum" from here on out...)

On Monday, we shared an Uber with Nathan and Emmy to the African American Museum. Nathan had gone with another friend on Sunday, so he didn't spend as much time exploring the museum as Eli, Emmy, and I did. We only got to see one section of the museum because there is SO MUCH to see and we had only a few short hours. The African American Museum was INCREDIBLE. It was such a wonderful experience, especially after the awful experience at the National Museum of the American Indian. We only got to explore the top floor (I think?) where they had info about African American culture, including artistry, food, dance and movement, language, theater/film/tv, music, and probably more that I'm forgetting. We grabbed lunch (a bit late) in their cafe, where they had bbq pulled pork, candied yams, collard greens, mac and cheese, cornbread, and more. Because I don't eat gluten, I ordered the bbq pork with candied yams and collard greens. The pork was INCREDIBLE. I can't remember what I said after my first bite, but I remember everyone thinking something was wrong until I said it was good. The collard greens were good, but not my favorite. I probably wouldn't have ordered them if there had been more gluten free options. The candied yams were also very yummy. After lunch, we went into the Contemplative Court - a room with a round skylight with water flowing down from the ceiling in a ring. It's hard to explain, but it was very moving. We briefly stopped in the museum shop before heading outside.

The Washington Monument is right next to the African American Museum. Eli wanted to grab stamps for his National Parks passport, so we wandered over. I ran up to the base of the monument to take a selfie looking up to the top. We then took a group selfie, flipping off the monument. Because as Nathan put it later on social media, "Fuck the founding fathers." Then we shared an Uber back to the hotels (Eli & I were staying across the street from the Hilton), Eli & I grabbed our bags from our hotel, and we headed to the airport.

It was a whirlwind. There was SO much more we wanted to explore. But I'm glad we got to explore some. It was fun being in such a historic city, seeing things that had been there for centuries. I know we'll go back someday, and when we do we'll need at least a week to get through the museums on our list...which isn't even all of them!

---

Meeting Online Friends

One of the absolute best parts of conference was meeting people in person that I had only ever met on video or through social media. It's amazing how friendships can be formed at such a distance and without really having "met". There were so many people I was so excited to hug. I'm not going to try to list all the friends here, because inevitably I'll forget someone and I don't want to hurt any feelings. Especially since I'm not feeling well while I write this. HA.

I was listening recently to an old episode of "Reclaiming the Garden", which is a podcast my friends Anna (she/they) and April (she/her) host. In the episode (from back in September), Anna said "meet your internet friends" and I am 100% with her. The lovely humans that have lived inside my computer and cell phone for the last 2 years are, in fact, people with flesh and bones...and give such good hugs.

I don't know what all to say, but I was very moved to meet my online friends. The sense of community I felt at conference with people I had only known through devices within just a few hours or days was incredible.

---

Queer Joy/As You Are

On Saturday night, a group of us went to a local bar called "As You Are". There were quite a few folks from QCF there, but I didn't know everyone. Eli & I went with Evan and Jess, but our friend Tsharre (she/her) was there too. The real draw to this bar was the dancing...

If you know me well, you'll know that I'm not one for dancing. But I did it. I engaged with my friends. I danced with Eli. I enjoyed being surrounded by so much queer joy. There's something about being in a space where queer people feel free to be fully themselves and engage in absolute joy. I can't fully explain it, but it was such a great night.

I did sit out a little bit. For those who don't know, I have type 2 diabetes and am on insulin. Because I had a couple drinks and we were dancing, I was trying to monitor my blood sugars. Alcohol and activity both lower blood sugar, and I did end up with some lower blood sugars because of this. I took breaks to sit out and just watch my friends dancing and feeling comfy being themselves. It was lovely. Of course, I couldn't resist hopping up and dancing a few times.

Shout out to Tsharre for making sure I felt included. At one point when I was sitting out, she asked if I wanted to dance. SO sweet, and I still feel bad that I turned her down - especially since I ended up having lower blood sugars anyway, which was why I said no!

This is a night I want to revisit. Not that it's an option, but I just want to go back to that moment...really those momentS. It was a night full of joy and memories, and it flashes through my mind almost every day since. The freedom I felt that night was incredible, and being surrounded with people I care about and just vibing together...who can ask for more?

---

"Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth"

Most of us know the Christmas carol "O Holy Night". The line above is from the first verse, and in the context of the song there's a little different meaning that I want to discuss...

The keynote speaker the first night of conference was Karen Keen. I don't remember all the points to her message, but she brought up this lyric from "O Holy Night" and the concept of knowing your worth.

Her points were good. But my takeaway was a little separate from what she shared. We often talk about "knowing" our worth. And that's a really good thing for all of us to do. When we don't know our worth, we're likely to treat ourselves (or let others treat us) poorly. It's really important that we understand how worthy we are, because we are all worth so much more than society has told us. And for many of us, we're worth so much more than the CHURCH has told us.

But there's a difference between knowing something and feeling something. It's something I've been dealing with on an extremely personal level over the last couple of weeks since conference...but that's probably something to discuss more privately, and honestly...with a therapist. HA.

The line from "O Holy Night" doesn't talk about knowing our worth. It says, "the soul felt its worth". When I feel worthy, I step into interactions with a better sense of self and a posture (both physical and metaphorical) that shows how much I value myself. This doesn't just come from knowing our worth, though.

Near the end of conference, I had a discussion with Linda (she/her), who is on the QCF board and leads parent groups. She's pretty incredible. We were talking about this concept, and I gave her the example of my relationship with my dad. He's someone I've struggled to have a good relationship with for years, and over the last couple of years I've let go of the need to make a relationship with him work. The reason? Well, I told Linda that when I interact with my dad, I can know my worth but I don't feel it. He has a ay of making me feel wrong, like who I am, what I think, what I feel isn't acceptable. Even if I'm aware that I'm worth more than how he treats me, I sure don't feel that worth during those interactions.

It's different with my mom, though. I told this to Linda, too...when I interact with my mom, I feel my worth. She values me so differently than my dad does. She can disagree with what I say, do, think, etc. but she never makes me feel like I'm wrong. There's a core worth thing that I feel when I interact with Mom that I just don't feel when I interact with Dad.

FEELING your worth is so vital to living a life of liberation. The theme of "Liberated to Love" matched this concept so well for me. I want to take this concept into all aspects of my life. I want to feel my worth in my interactions, and I want others to feel their worth, too.

I thought about this a few times this week as I discussed changes in how we're doing things in the food pantry with my boss. How can we make the folks that come in for food FEEL their worth? Many who need to access food pantries or other food resources have been told they aren't worthy. They are, which feels so obvious to me. But how do I communicate to them that I know their worth to the point that they feel it? I'm still working on this, but I want to dig into it.

I have a feeling I'll be returning to this concept a lot over the coming days, weeks, months...

---

Chosen Family

Remember above where I talked about the wonderful internet friends I got to hug in person? This is where I will express more love for them. And I'm gonna cry while I type this.

I have never felt more known, understood, and accepted - JUST AS I AM - as I did at QCF conference this year. There are new things I learned about myself (both leading up to conference and this weekend at conference), and I never felt I needed to shy away from sharing authentically. I won't go into every single component of this, but one area I noticed this was in my chronic illnesses. Remember how I was having back issues on Thursday at the museum? Evan and Jess took it all in stride. I mean, so did Eli...but he's aware of my chronic illnesses and pain, so that didn't surprise me. I also attended a breakout session called "Support for LGBTQ+ People Living with Invisible Disabilities and/or Chronic Illness/Pain". During this breakout session, we had table discussions about our own experiences with chronic illness/pain or disability. It dawned on me during this discussion that I downplay my own suffering and I overlook some of my chronic illnesses. As I shared, I listed a couple things I deal with, and after others shared I realized I hadn't shared all of the things I deal with. Ooops? It was really nice to hear my struggles validated in that space, to hear others deal with similar things even if with a different set of chronic illness/pain, and to feel like I could let go of the constant effort I put myself through to try to be "ok". It was ok to not be ok in this space, and it helped me understand myself better.

Many of the people at this conference have embraced me better than my biological family. I never really understood the term chosen family. I mean, the concept made sense...but I had never FELT it for myself. the sense of community I felt at conference was so strong, that chosen family felt like the right language. These people are my people in ways I hadn't previously experienced. And I need more of this.

---

COVID scare

We flew home from DC on Monday night, January 9 and arrived in Portland around 10pm. The next day, we got a message from a friend at conference saying that they had tested positive for covid. Of course, we promptly tested that night to see if Eli & I had covid. Our tests Tuesday night were negative. We had planned to test again Thursday night. Midday Thursday, I started feeling sick. I left work early, and I tested as soon as I got home. The test was still negative. I ended up getting into bed Thursday afternoon, and I spent the next 3 days mostly in bed. I did get up a couple times to cook, use the bathroom, etc. But I was pretty much just in bed. I tested again on Saturday - still negative. I finally started feeling better midday Sunday...and of course that's when another friend told me they had a cold. So, I'm pretty sure I just had a cold after all.

But it was kind of a bit of a wakeup call/disappointing end to a wonderful conference. I had been a little bit more laid back about masking at conference. I wore a mask in the big gathering spaces, but I'll admit when we were out to eat or at the bar, I skipped it. I think the experience of being exposed to covid and getting sick (even if it ended up just being a cold) made me realize that I need to be more vigilant about masking.

I'm always re-evaluating my masking, but the pandemic isn't over. I've gotten more laid back at work when we're closed and it's just my coworkers/volunteers. We're not usually in close proximity to each other. But I think I need to wear my mask more when volunteers are around, too...or if I'm in close proximity to my coworkers. I just don't want to take the risk.

---

Overall, it was a wonderful conference. I don't have the right words to wrap up this blog post. I am missing my QCF friends and the sense of community I felt. I'm trying to find ways to feel that sense of community at home. It's going to be a process, though...

Next year's conference is January 11-14, 2024 in Albuquerque, NM. It feels too long to wait, but until then...

Next year in Albuquerque!