This blog post is one I've been mulling over for a while. I definitely had some of the thoughts that'll be included several years ago, but most of these thoughts come from the last almost 2 years since the 2016 election.
I, like many people I know, was upset by the results of the 2016 election. I felt like there was nothing I could do. Things felt hopeless.
Sometimes, they still do. But something I'm working on is finding ways to be the change. I've always admired those who participated in activism. I've longed to go be at protests, to march, to join a group of people in resisting systems of oppression.
I've watched friends go and do. I've felt incapable of action. I've felt overwhelmed by the darkness of this world.
This past year has been especially difficult, as I was a bisexual woman working for an organization where that identity could have (probably would have) cost me my job if I was "out". I stayed closeted for many reasons, but being closeted created an increased self-consciousness that was unhealthy. My anxiety was intense. I wasn't fully aware that anxiety was the biggest issue, but I knew I felt overwhelmed and incapable.
I was overcome with false worthlessness. I felt I could do nothing to improve my situation, so how could I do anything to improve the oppression in my town, my state, or my country? It became increasingly harder for me to care. I mean, I cared. I cared deeply about these things. I still do. But I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter to me, because it was "easier" to ignore the atrocities that are taking place all over the country (and let's be honest-the world).
Now, I'm sure if I had spent any time at all considering these difficult things with any sort of patience and presence of mind that I would have realized that pretending I didn't care wouldn't help anyone, but especially not me.
I've always felt convicted when people have said things about not fighting against the oppressors makes you an oppressor. I've felt like I've failed. I haven't been strong enough to go out and work to accomplish change and protect the marginalized.
The thing is, though, that while it's true that doing nothing can be a way of becoming an oppressor yourself, doing something (even if just a small, seemingly insignificant something) can be enough.
Sometimes, my anxiety tells me I'm incapable. Other times, I push through it and recognize how capable I really am.
Some days I feel more capable than others. Those are the days I need to use well. Those are the days I need to step up and speak out.
I'm learning that while I'm overwhelmed by the thought of participating in a march or a protest with a lot of other people, I can still share a post of Facebook or Twitter. I can research and help find resources for those who are able to attend marches and protests in person. I can use the skills, gifts, and talents I have to support in a variety of ways.
Sometimes, a little task is a huge support to someone who feels overwhelmed by it.
Each of us must do our part. That's it. Our PART. We're not expected to do it all. Did you hear that, self? YOU'RE NOT EXPECTED TO DO IT ALL!
Help people. Ask questions. Learn. Do the very best you can. When you learn how to do better, do better.
For me, doing better is recognizing the ways I'm able to participate in activism and the ways I'm not able to participate. It's ok that I participate differently, but I have to participate. I'm capable of many things, and when I use those things to reduce oppression, that's activism.
TAKE THAT, anxiety.
So, friends...how can I support you in your activism? What things can you send my way to learn more about specific topics/issues? How can I help you feel empowered to step up in ways you're able?
It's a long road, but I'm willing to keep walking it. Can we walk it together?
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Monday, October 1, 2018
Trust
One of the things I struggle with in relationships is trust. I eventually develop enough trust to make friendship work, at least well enough.
There are times, however, that trust is broken and it is hard to build back. Or trust is broken in one relationship AND broken in a second relationship, which leads to lack of trust in all similar relationships.
Here's a couple examples of what I mean:
(If you read my blog at all, I'm sure you saw my post about coming out. If not, I'm bisexual. It's important to know this for both examples.)
1. My church made a statement just over a year ago regarding how LGBTQ+ people would be included in our church. The idea was that it was welcoming, affirming, inclusive, etc. I know most people perceived it to be exactly that, though I definitely felt it wasn't adequate. You see, the statement started with a sentence about how the people in the church didn't completely agree on "matters of human sexuality". The second sentence, when read in isolation, does seem welcoming, affirming, and inclusive. The problem is that they were never intended to be read separately from one another. They go together as a statement, not independently.
While this was challenging for me, especially since I wasn't out to my church, it wasn't totally devastating. I knew the change could happen, and I was willing to be a catalyst for that change if needed.
This summer, I was part of the team that put together a "refreshed" website for our church. One of the things I requested to add to the website was our statement regarding LGBTQ+. My thought process was that it was better to have A statement about how we'll include LGBTQ+ folks publicly on our website, even if it is flawed, rather than continuing to appear as though LGBTQ+ folks are not welcome. In my mind, having no indication that we're welcoming, affirming, or inclusive means we're NOT. Those of us working on the website agreed at the time, and I put the statement on the website. My intent was to bring the statement up in meetings this fall to hopefully bring about some change.
A little more than a month ago, though, I was asked to remove the statement. I was told that we were going to write a more inclusive statement, and that it would be written "soon". I contacted a friend from the committee that made that decision to see what "soon" meant. She didn't know.
Taking this statement off the website felt like a slap in the face. This was still before I was out, but I felt so invalidated. I felt that while they wanted to write a more inclusive statement, they were actually being less inclusive in the mean time. I don't think anyone that doesn't identify as LGBTQ+ would necessarily see it that way. I don't think they did. I don't think they understand the importance of being validated and specifically included. Their privilege allows them to go to church just about anywhere without needing to hide part of who they are.
I acknowledge that this isn't something they did intentionally. I know their hearts were in the right place. The intent was simply to update the statement so it was more inclusive before putting it on the website. All of this logically makes sense to me, but emotionally I felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me. I felt lied to (even though no one was being dishonest!).
2. About a month ago, I found out via twitter (@BraveCommons specifically) that my undergraduate university, Azusa Pacific, had removed their conduct policy banning same-sex relationships. This was HUGE news, as APU had always had anti-LGBTQ+ policies. The LGBTQ+ student group, Haven, had been working with administration to create change. It seemed to be working.
Several articles were written and shared, many LGBTQ+ students and alumni (as well as fellow LGBTQ+ folks from other institutions) celebrated and shared a collective sigh of relief. Change was coming. If APU moved toward LGBTQ+ inclusion, then other Christian institutions would likely follow.
But then it all came crashing down. APU put out a statement that removing the conduct policy banning same-sex relationships had not been approved by the board. They put the old policy back in place. The rug was pulled out from under them.
In this situation, I can't see any good intentions. Sure, they may have been individuals who had good intentions, as well as the ability to edit the conduct policy on the website. But without going through the proper channels, they caused more damage the the LGBTQ+ students that trusted the information they had been provided. I imagine it's harder for them to trust people now. I know it would be for me.
_______________________________________________________
Trust is such an important part of a relationship. I know that situations like this have happened to many LGBTQ+ folks in a variety of settings, including personal relationships. I struggle with being vulnerable and trusting people to begin with, but when things like this happen and threaten to invalidate my bisexuality, it's even harder to trust people. It's harder to know who I can open up to. It's harder to be strong and allow myself to be authentic with everyone I interact with.
I'm a work in progress. I know there are people I can trust. It's just learning to find them among the others I can't trust that I need to keep working on...
There are times, however, that trust is broken and it is hard to build back. Or trust is broken in one relationship AND broken in a second relationship, which leads to lack of trust in all similar relationships.
Here's a couple examples of what I mean:
(If you read my blog at all, I'm sure you saw my post about coming out. If not, I'm bisexual. It's important to know this for both examples.)
1. My church made a statement just over a year ago regarding how LGBTQ+ people would be included in our church. The idea was that it was welcoming, affirming, inclusive, etc. I know most people perceived it to be exactly that, though I definitely felt it wasn't adequate. You see, the statement started with a sentence about how the people in the church didn't completely agree on "matters of human sexuality". The second sentence, when read in isolation, does seem welcoming, affirming, and inclusive. The problem is that they were never intended to be read separately from one another. They go together as a statement, not independently.
While this was challenging for me, especially since I wasn't out to my church, it wasn't totally devastating. I knew the change could happen, and I was willing to be a catalyst for that change if needed.
This summer, I was part of the team that put together a "refreshed" website for our church. One of the things I requested to add to the website was our statement regarding LGBTQ+. My thought process was that it was better to have A statement about how we'll include LGBTQ+ folks publicly on our website, even if it is flawed, rather than continuing to appear as though LGBTQ+ folks are not welcome. In my mind, having no indication that we're welcoming, affirming, or inclusive means we're NOT. Those of us working on the website agreed at the time, and I put the statement on the website. My intent was to bring the statement up in meetings this fall to hopefully bring about some change.
A little more than a month ago, though, I was asked to remove the statement. I was told that we were going to write a more inclusive statement, and that it would be written "soon". I contacted a friend from the committee that made that decision to see what "soon" meant. She didn't know.
Taking this statement off the website felt like a slap in the face. This was still before I was out, but I felt so invalidated. I felt that while they wanted to write a more inclusive statement, they were actually being less inclusive in the mean time. I don't think anyone that doesn't identify as LGBTQ+ would necessarily see it that way. I don't think they did. I don't think they understand the importance of being validated and specifically included. Their privilege allows them to go to church just about anywhere without needing to hide part of who they are.
I acknowledge that this isn't something they did intentionally. I know their hearts were in the right place. The intent was simply to update the statement so it was more inclusive before putting it on the website. All of this logically makes sense to me, but emotionally I felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me. I felt lied to (even though no one was being dishonest!).
2. About a month ago, I found out via twitter (@BraveCommons specifically) that my undergraduate university, Azusa Pacific, had removed their conduct policy banning same-sex relationships. This was HUGE news, as APU had always had anti-LGBTQ+ policies. The LGBTQ+ student group, Haven, had been working with administration to create change. It seemed to be working.
Several articles were written and shared, many LGBTQ+ students and alumni (as well as fellow LGBTQ+ folks from other institutions) celebrated and shared a collective sigh of relief. Change was coming. If APU moved toward LGBTQ+ inclusion, then other Christian institutions would likely follow.
But then it all came crashing down. APU put out a statement that removing the conduct policy banning same-sex relationships had not been approved by the board. They put the old policy back in place. The rug was pulled out from under them.
In this situation, I can't see any good intentions. Sure, they may have been individuals who had good intentions, as well as the ability to edit the conduct policy on the website. But without going through the proper channels, they caused more damage the the LGBTQ+ students that trusted the information they had been provided. I imagine it's harder for them to trust people now. I know it would be for me.
_______________________________________________________
Trust is such an important part of a relationship. I know that situations like this have happened to many LGBTQ+ folks in a variety of settings, including personal relationships. I struggle with being vulnerable and trusting people to begin with, but when things like this happen and threaten to invalidate my bisexuality, it's even harder to trust people. It's harder to know who I can open up to. It's harder to be strong and allow myself to be authentic with everyone I interact with.
I'm a work in progress. I know there are people I can trust. It's just learning to find them among the others I can't trust that I need to keep working on...
Thursday, September 27, 2018
Exhaustion
I'm really tired. I'm really tired of being personally attacked for my opinion. I'm really tired of feeling like this country is becoming less and less safe. I'm really tired of all the "American Dream" ideals I was taught as a child being shattered before my eyes as other people are mistreated. I'm just tired.
Watching a strong woman like Dr. Christine Blasey Ford fight against her abuser in a public hearing for the WHOLE COUNTRY to see, and hearing the horrible, demeaning comments from some of the senators involved makes me feel hopeless.
As a queer woman, I'm terrified of what the future might be. I've worked so hard to reduce my anxiety and to learn coping strategies. This isn't helping. If women can be treated as a man's sexual plaything and do NOTHING to fight back, what happens when a queer person has something happen and needs to fight back? How can I trust a broken system to protect me? How can I trust a broken system with my femaleness OR my queerness?
If you haven't read and/or seen the Handmaid's Tale, I think you should. I feel like the hearing today is yet another step toward to reality of Gilead. I am scared of that kind of future. I'm afraid for my safety, but more than that for my mental health.
I know this post has a lot of negative stuff in it. I want those who have read it to know I'm safe. I'm not in danger, and I have no plans or thoughts of self harm. I'm just incredibly exhausted. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I want to fight the patriarchy and replace the broken systems.
I want so badly to participate in activism, but my anxiety prevents me. I get overwhelmed with the backlash from a Facebook post. I have spent the last 6 hours in an anxious mess because I posted something on Facebook in support of Dr. Ford. I don't think Judge Kavanaugh should be appointed to the Supreme Court. Whether he's guilty or innocent of the allegations, he proved himself to be a man who avoids the truth, blames others, and in an attempt to avoid a question about his drinking, asks the senator who posed the question about her drinking habits. I don't think that's someone who should be part of SCOTUS.
I'm just tired, friends. I'm anxious about things, and I know I'll feel *a little* better in the morning after a good night's sleep. Let's just hope I can actually get a good night's sleep.
I believe survivors. I stand with victims.
Watching a strong woman like Dr. Christine Blasey Ford fight against her abuser in a public hearing for the WHOLE COUNTRY to see, and hearing the horrible, demeaning comments from some of the senators involved makes me feel hopeless.
As a queer woman, I'm terrified of what the future might be. I've worked so hard to reduce my anxiety and to learn coping strategies. This isn't helping. If women can be treated as a man's sexual plaything and do NOTHING to fight back, what happens when a queer person has something happen and needs to fight back? How can I trust a broken system to protect me? How can I trust a broken system with my femaleness OR my queerness?
If you haven't read and/or seen the Handmaid's Tale, I think you should. I feel like the hearing today is yet another step toward to reality of Gilead. I am scared of that kind of future. I'm afraid for my safety, but more than that for my mental health.
I know this post has a lot of negative stuff in it. I want those who have read it to know I'm safe. I'm not in danger, and I have no plans or thoughts of self harm. I'm just incredibly exhausted. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I want to fight the patriarchy and replace the broken systems.
I want so badly to participate in activism, but my anxiety prevents me. I get overwhelmed with the backlash from a Facebook post. I have spent the last 6 hours in an anxious mess because I posted something on Facebook in support of Dr. Ford. I don't think Judge Kavanaugh should be appointed to the Supreme Court. Whether he's guilty or innocent of the allegations, he proved himself to be a man who avoids the truth, blames others, and in an attempt to avoid a question about his drinking, asks the senator who posed the question about her drinking habits. I don't think that's someone who should be part of SCOTUS.
I'm just tired, friends. I'm anxious about things, and I know I'll feel *a little* better in the morning after a good night's sleep. Let's just hope I can actually get a good night's sleep.
I believe survivors. I stand with victims.
Thursday, September 20, 2018
A Bit of Gratitude
First, I want to say thank you for all the support for my last blog post. I am thankful to have friends and family who were able to acknowledge my bisexuality in a respectful manner. I cannot say, "Thank you!" enough for the respect given to my request to not argue or debate. I have always felt anxious about posting any sort of "controversial" topic on all my social media accounts because I don't enjoy engaging in debate about these sorts of things. The issue isn't that I'm afraid of the conversations or the disagreement in general. It's truly just a lack of personal connection surrounding the conversation when it is text based over the internet. SO MUCH gets lost in translation that way, and I get way more worked up than necessary when I disagree with people on the internet. (I'm working on this.)
Second, I want to explain why I haven't responded to each of you personally. You may have noticed (or maybe not) that I responded to each and every comment on Facebook with the "love" reaction, and to each and every comment on my "Coming Out" blog post with a heart. I'm pretty sure I only responded with a comment/reply to ONE Facebook comment. It's NOT that I don't want to respond to you. I am just a bit overwhelmed. There have been so many responses, and I like to give each one my full attention and place value on my response. That said, I will likely never respond to each person individually. I generally want to, but I don't have the emotional energy to engage in a response of that nature at this time. I also don't want people to feel left out if they see my response to someone else, but not to them. It's NOT personal. I love you all. I appreciate your love and support. I want you to know that, but I just can't provide the personal response to each and every person. There are currently 59 comments on my Facebook post, as well as 89 "reactions" (likes and other responses). I value the reactions as well as the comments, because I know that those reactions are just as meaningful as the words typed out by comment. I cannot respond to all 148 of those (though I'm positive that many of the reactions are the same people who also commented). It's just not a wise use of my time and energy. That doesn't mean I don't love or appreciate you! <3 p="">
Finally, I want to thank those people I came out to BEFORE I posted my "Coming Out" blog entry. Your support and love helped me feel accepted and safe, which helped me feel comfortable coming out to the world. I know there are people who aren't accepting and supportive of my sexuality, and that's ok. I don't need EVERYONE's acceptance and support as long as I have the support of people who truly love me and accept me. So thank you for that! <3 p="">
Another thing I want to address - I've had VERY FEW people ask me questions about my sexuality. I am not opposed to questions, and I'm willing to answer most questions I'm asked. I do ask, though, that you are respectful in your questions and that you contact me personally, not publicly. I may choose to answer it publicly (likely another blog post), but I'd rather not have the question out there for the whole world to see unless I choose to do so. I also want you to know that I may not answer every question you ask. If it makes me uncomfortable, I'm not answering it. BUT I do want to encourage questions, because I believe that bisexuality is all too often erased and misunderstood. I want people to understand bisexuality better and I want people to understand me better. So, feel free to contact me if you have questions, providing you're aware that I may not answer it.
Love to you all!
Second, I want to explain why I haven't responded to each of you personally. You may have noticed (or maybe not) that I responded to each and every comment on Facebook with the "love" reaction, and to each and every comment on my "Coming Out" blog post with a heart. I'm pretty sure I only responded with a comment/reply to ONE Facebook comment. It's NOT that I don't want to respond to you. I am just a bit overwhelmed. There have been so many responses, and I like to give each one my full attention and place value on my response. That said, I will likely never respond to each person individually. I generally want to, but I don't have the emotional energy to engage in a response of that nature at this time. I also don't want people to feel left out if they see my response to someone else, but not to them. It's NOT personal. I love you all. I appreciate your love and support. I want you to know that, but I just can't provide the personal response to each and every person. There are currently 59 comments on my Facebook post, as well as 89 "reactions" (likes and other responses). I value the reactions as well as the comments, because I know that those reactions are just as meaningful as the words typed out by comment. I cannot respond to all 148 of those (though I'm positive that many of the reactions are the same people who also commented). It's just not a wise use of my time and energy. That doesn't mean I don't love or appreciate you! <3 p="">
Finally, I want to thank those people I came out to BEFORE I posted my "Coming Out" blog entry. Your support and love helped me feel accepted and safe, which helped me feel comfortable coming out to the world. I know there are people who aren't accepting and supportive of my sexuality, and that's ok. I don't need EVERYONE's acceptance and support as long as I have the support of people who truly love me and accept me. So thank you for that! <3 p="">
Another thing I want to address - I've had VERY FEW people ask me questions about my sexuality. I am not opposed to questions, and I'm willing to answer most questions I'm asked. I do ask, though, that you are respectful in your questions and that you contact me personally, not publicly. I may choose to answer it publicly (likely another blog post), but I'd rather not have the question out there for the whole world to see unless I choose to do so. I also want you to know that I may not answer every question you ask. If it makes me uncomfortable, I'm not answering it. BUT I do want to encourage questions, because I believe that bisexuality is all too often erased and misunderstood. I want people to understand bisexuality better and I want people to understand me better. So, feel free to contact me if you have questions, providing you're aware that I may not answer it.
Love to you all!
Monday, September 10, 2018
Coming Out
Here goes nothin'. There are some of you I would have LOVED to tell this in person, but I felt I needed to be 100% authentically myself sooner than allowed for those face-to-face conversations with everyone.
I'm bisexual.
Let me tell you a little about my story and what that means to me. (Be prepared for a lack of organized thought. I was nervous when I wrote this, and I decided not to spend a long time editing it before I posted because I just wanted to get it "out there".)
I grew up in a very conservative, heteronormative community. I wasn't around many LGBTQ+ individuals, and those I knew that were LGBTQ+ were gay males. I never felt that they should be treated differently, but I know that they were absolutely treated differently by the community I lived in.
I also grew up going to church. My family and I regularly attended church, and we were involved in just about every way we could be which meant we were at church several times a week. I also attended private, Christian school from Kindergarten through 8th grade. My parents wanted me to go to private, Christian high school but I convinced them to send me to the public high school (not because I didn't want to attend a Christian high school...because my friends were going to public). The church community I grew up in was very Evangelical. Many of you probably automatically have an understanding of what that means when I say that, but others may have no clue. The best way I can put it is this: very Scripture/Bible focused, pushing their faith onto others, and generally part of what I call "Ameri-Christianity". Another facet of Evangelicalism often is the belief that homosexuality or any same sex attraction is a sin. Evangelicals also tend to be unaccepting of trans people or people who don't identify as male or female "traditionally".
Now, I played the part well at the time. I quickly "latched onto" my parents beliefs as a child. I felt strongly about politics and that Republicans were more correct on the "issues", I loved reading and studying the Bible, and I believed that God created humans as distinctly male and female and straight.
I never questioned my sexuality as a child or adolescent. I knew I liked boys, so I must be straight. That was what I thought.
Since going off to college, I have been around many more LGBTQ+ people. I never actively sought out information about the LGBTQ+ community, but when exposed to different sexualities I tried not treat them any differently than any of the straight people I knew.
The last few years, the greater church organization I've been a part of has been dealing with how to embrace the LGBTQ+ community in our churches. Some churches want to fully embrace LGBTQ+ folks into membership and participation, while others are adamantly opposed - and various churches are somewhere in between. The conversation was always difficult for me, and I thought it was just because I've always had a strong "justice" streak in me. I don't like to see people mistreated, and I believe that God created every person equally and loves everyone just as much as anyone else no matter their differences.
As the conversation became more and more intense, the organization decided to split. They didn't (and likely still don't) call it a "split", but that's really what it was. My church had avoided the conversation, but because of the split it became necessary to have a discussion about what our church would embrace. During these discussions, I found myself feeling personally offended or defensive when people would make negative comments about the LGBTQ+ community and bisexuals specifically. At the time, I didn't know what that was about. (This was September 2017.) I had already been questioning my sexuality a bit, only talking to my mom and one friend about it. I didn't have any concrete understanding of my sexuality anymore, and I had no labels for myself. I knew I was attracted to men, but I felt like I was potentially also attracted to women. It was still very unknown.
After those conversations (and my church's decision to work toward being welcoming/affirming/open/inclusive to the LGBTQ+ community which meant we had to leave the organization), I spent some time processing. I researched topics related to the LGBTQ+ community. I found myself increasingly interested in articles and videos about women who were attracted to both men and women. I learned about a variety of different "identities", such as pansexual, queer, non-binary, genderfluid, etc. I read about how people could be attracted to both cis men and cis women (or people whose gender identities matched their gender assigned at birth), as well as trans men and trans women. I also read about people who were attracted to people who didn't identify as male or female, or people whose gender identity was fluid between male and female. I found myself identifying with all of these things. When I finally came out to myself, I chose the label "bisexual" because it felt right. My definition of bisexuality is the capacity to be attracted to people whose gender is the same as and different from my own. Other people define it differently, which is why there are so many different terms for similar sexualities.
Looking back, I definitely was interested in girls as a child/adolescent. I didn't recognize it at the time, because I was "straight". I didn't notice that my thoughts and feelings about girls were very similar to my thoughts and feelings about boys. All I knew was that God had created me female, which meant I was supposed to like boys. I never doubted that at the time. I also don't know that I knew anyone who was openly bisexual until college...maybe not even until after. I can't remember the first bisexual person I met. I don't think I ever knew or thought it was an option.
I can look back now and remember girls I definitely had crushes on without realizing it. I also remember playing games like "The Sims" and making two girl sims fall in love. I thought that was exciting. I'm not sure I had a clue why at the time.
I can keep expanding on this, but I think this is plenty for now.
Here's what I want you to know:
My bisexuality and my Christian faith are NOT mutually exclusive. For some of you, it may be. That's ok. Some of you may think that same sex attraction is a sin. I disagree. I have spent time digging into the Bible, praying, talking with queer people of faith, seeking personal discernment from God, and engaging in conversation with friends about this. I don't believe anything to do with identifying as LGBTQ+ is a sin. I believe God made humans to be diverse in many ways, including our sexualities and gender identities. I know this may be hard for some of my more conservative, Evangelical friends. I'm sorry if it's hard for you, but I'm not sorry for being authentically me. I'm ready to embrace who I am and live the life that God has called me to live, even if you disagree with it and don't like it.
Also, I'm not here to debate this with you. I know who I am and have recognized how God has created me. We can disagree, but I don't want to argue about it. If you cannot accept me and love me for who I am, then maybe we need to part ways. If that's you, know I love you despite our differences of opinion.
Thanks for reading. I love you all!
I'm bisexual.
Let me tell you a little about my story and what that means to me. (Be prepared for a lack of organized thought. I was nervous when I wrote this, and I decided not to spend a long time editing it before I posted because I just wanted to get it "out there".)
I grew up in a very conservative, heteronormative community. I wasn't around many LGBTQ+ individuals, and those I knew that were LGBTQ+ were gay males. I never felt that they should be treated differently, but I know that they were absolutely treated differently by the community I lived in.
I also grew up going to church. My family and I regularly attended church, and we were involved in just about every way we could be which meant we were at church several times a week. I also attended private, Christian school from Kindergarten through 8th grade. My parents wanted me to go to private, Christian high school but I convinced them to send me to the public high school (not because I didn't want to attend a Christian high school...because my friends were going to public). The church community I grew up in was very Evangelical. Many of you probably automatically have an understanding of what that means when I say that, but others may have no clue. The best way I can put it is this: very Scripture/Bible focused, pushing their faith onto others, and generally part of what I call "Ameri-Christianity". Another facet of Evangelicalism often is the belief that homosexuality or any same sex attraction is a sin. Evangelicals also tend to be unaccepting of trans people or people who don't identify as male or female "traditionally".
Now, I played the part well at the time. I quickly "latched onto" my parents beliefs as a child. I felt strongly about politics and that Republicans were more correct on the "issues", I loved reading and studying the Bible, and I believed that God created humans as distinctly male and female and straight.
I never questioned my sexuality as a child or adolescent. I knew I liked boys, so I must be straight. That was what I thought.
Since going off to college, I have been around many more LGBTQ+ people. I never actively sought out information about the LGBTQ+ community, but when exposed to different sexualities I tried not treat them any differently than any of the straight people I knew.
The last few years, the greater church organization I've been a part of has been dealing with how to embrace the LGBTQ+ community in our churches. Some churches want to fully embrace LGBTQ+ folks into membership and participation, while others are adamantly opposed - and various churches are somewhere in between. The conversation was always difficult for me, and I thought it was just because I've always had a strong "justice" streak in me. I don't like to see people mistreated, and I believe that God created every person equally and loves everyone just as much as anyone else no matter their differences.
As the conversation became more and more intense, the organization decided to split. They didn't (and likely still don't) call it a "split", but that's really what it was. My church had avoided the conversation, but because of the split it became necessary to have a discussion about what our church would embrace. During these discussions, I found myself feeling personally offended or defensive when people would make negative comments about the LGBTQ+ community and bisexuals specifically. At the time, I didn't know what that was about. (This was September 2017.) I had already been questioning my sexuality a bit, only talking to my mom and one friend about it. I didn't have any concrete understanding of my sexuality anymore, and I had no labels for myself. I knew I was attracted to men, but I felt like I was potentially also attracted to women. It was still very unknown.
After those conversations (and my church's decision to work toward being welcoming/affirming/open/inclusive to the LGBTQ+ community which meant we had to leave the organization), I spent some time processing. I researched topics related to the LGBTQ+ community. I found myself increasingly interested in articles and videos about women who were attracted to both men and women. I learned about a variety of different "identities", such as pansexual, queer, non-binary, genderfluid, etc. I read about how people could be attracted to both cis men and cis women (or people whose gender identities matched their gender assigned at birth), as well as trans men and trans women. I also read about people who were attracted to people who didn't identify as male or female, or people whose gender identity was fluid between male and female. I found myself identifying with all of these things. When I finally came out to myself, I chose the label "bisexual" because it felt right. My definition of bisexuality is the capacity to be attracted to people whose gender is the same as and different from my own. Other people define it differently, which is why there are so many different terms for similar sexualities.
Looking back, I definitely was interested in girls as a child/adolescent. I didn't recognize it at the time, because I was "straight". I didn't notice that my thoughts and feelings about girls were very similar to my thoughts and feelings about boys. All I knew was that God had created me female, which meant I was supposed to like boys. I never doubted that at the time. I also don't know that I knew anyone who was openly bisexual until college...maybe not even until after. I can't remember the first bisexual person I met. I don't think I ever knew or thought it was an option.
I can look back now and remember girls I definitely had crushes on without realizing it. I also remember playing games like "The Sims" and making two girl sims fall in love. I thought that was exciting. I'm not sure I had a clue why at the time.
I can keep expanding on this, but I think this is plenty for now.
Here's what I want you to know:
My bisexuality and my Christian faith are NOT mutually exclusive. For some of you, it may be. That's ok. Some of you may think that same sex attraction is a sin. I disagree. I have spent time digging into the Bible, praying, talking with queer people of faith, seeking personal discernment from God, and engaging in conversation with friends about this. I don't believe anything to do with identifying as LGBTQ+ is a sin. I believe God made humans to be diverse in many ways, including our sexualities and gender identities. I know this may be hard for some of my more conservative, Evangelical friends. I'm sorry if it's hard for you, but I'm not sorry for being authentically me. I'm ready to embrace who I am and live the life that God has called me to live, even if you disagree with it and don't like it.
Also, I'm not here to debate this with you. I know who I am and have recognized how God has created me. We can disagree, but I don't want to argue about it. If you cannot accept me and love me for who I am, then maybe we need to part ways. If that's you, know I love you despite our differences of opinion.
Thanks for reading. I love you all!
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Forming New Habits
In this season of transition, I've been working on my habits. I think I mentioned that in my last blog, but even if I did this one will have much more detail on the kinds of habits I'm working on.
First, I was trying to build habits without any sort of tracking or accountability. I found myself struggling to stay motivated and frustrated when I "skipped days". I mean, life happens and we skip doing the things we want to do, but when it keeps happening it's frustrating and disappointing. So I decided I needed to find a way to improve my tracking and accountability.
My sister recently started (restarted?) using a bullet journal. Her reasons and habits are a bit different than mine, but watching her work on her bullet journal last week reminded me of when I used to bullet journal over a year ago. I wasn't good at the habit then, and I'd created a LOT of work for myself every day in the way I was using it. I felt frustrated with the process and knew I needed to change HOW I used the bullet journal if I wanted it to work.
I took myself on an "idea shopping trip" on Pinterest. I searched for bullet journal ideas, and pinned a few. I even created a new board to make my bullet journal ideas easier to find. I also found a few pins I'd saved last year and moved them to the new board. Pretty quickly, I found a few ideas I really loved. I decided to jump in with those and adapt my bullet journal as I go.
So, I started with a calendar and a habit tracker. I wanted to have the calendar in my bullet journal mostly for extra reference when I'm using my bullet journal. (I REALLY want to use an abbreviation, but we all know that "BJ" doesn't mean bullet journal...am I right? 😂) I also wanted a habit tracker so I can "check off" the days I accomplish the things I want as regular habits. It's a variety of things, such as how I eat, taking care of myself, taking care of my dog, cleanliness, and a few hobbies I want to incorporate more often.
Below are a couple pictures of the calendar and habit tracker.
You may notice that one of the habits I'm tracking is this blog. I really want to be a more active blogger, I just haven't done well at it. I'm working on it. Hopefully my content isn't too boring. I'm really doing it for me, though...so you can deal or stop reading. 😂
After I created those two pages, I realized that one of the habits I included (affirmations) was something I REALLY needed to have some more accountability with as well. I also realized that writing things down is a really good way to help yourself learn or remember, so I decided it would be good to write down my affirmations. Another thing I knew was that by posting the affirmations around my house, I would be reminded of them throughout the day. So my first thought was to write them on post its and then stick 'em places I'd see. I realized, though, that I wouldn't be able to remember which affirmations were from which day without another tracking system.
So, my daily affirmations portion of the bullet journal was "born". See photos below.
The biggest reason I'm doing these affirmations is because they are part of my therapy "homework". That said, I think it's a really good practice to recognize things within myself and call them out. I also think that by reminding myself of my positive qualities and strengths throughout the day, I can more easily "summon" up those qualities when I need them.
Yesterday (photo on the left), I was feeling unsure of how this practice would go, and a little hesitant to use affirmations that didn't feel quite like they "fit". I think I played it a little cautious, but the affirmations I chose were good ones. Today (photo on the right), I've already done some things that are responsible and good things for myself, so those were obvious ones. Another one I needed to remember today is that I'm safe. I can't really explain why (not because I'm unwilling, I just don't know how to put it in words), but I just needed that reminder today.
I plan to add new "sections" to my bullet journal as I go. I have a few ideas I'm toying with, but I am not yet ready to commit. We'll see how this morphs over time.
As for the habits, I have some good things going already and some areas I really need to "step up". You may have noticed a few habits that are blank. Some of those aren't truly intended to be daily habits, but I want to track how often I do them. Others really should be daily, and I'm just dropping the ball on them at this point. I think, though, that tracking them will help me be more honest with myself and allow me to analyze why I have/haven't been doing certain things.
One of the other habits I'm working to build is meditation. I called it meditation because it's the general concept of what I'm going for. I know some Christians don't like that word, but "quiet time" isn't exactly what I want this time to be. I'm working on centering myself and calming myself, as well as bring more in tune with my body. I DO also want to use this as prayer time or just sitting in silence...but that's not the sole focus of my meditation time. I DON'T want to use this as a time to read devotionals or scripture. That seems counter to the point of meditation. That can be something I do in addition to meditation at a separate (possibly adjacent) time.
I don't want to hash out each individual habit. I am, however, curious what you think. Are there habits I should add? Are there habits you're working to incorporate into your life? Do you have ideas for how I can improve my bullet journal? Do you use a bullet journal or another method of tracking/accountability? Tell me what you're up to in these areas! I love new ideas and I love to hear from friends what's working for them.
Oh, by the way...I've been posting my affirmations to my instagram account as a means of accountability. I probably won't do this every time I do affirmations, but if you want to follow and see updates on that feel free to check my account out. It's @gracezsuficient. ;)
First, I was trying to build habits without any sort of tracking or accountability. I found myself struggling to stay motivated and frustrated when I "skipped days". I mean, life happens and we skip doing the things we want to do, but when it keeps happening it's frustrating and disappointing. So I decided I needed to find a way to improve my tracking and accountability.
My sister recently started (restarted?) using a bullet journal. Her reasons and habits are a bit different than mine, but watching her work on her bullet journal last week reminded me of when I used to bullet journal over a year ago. I wasn't good at the habit then, and I'd created a LOT of work for myself every day in the way I was using it. I felt frustrated with the process and knew I needed to change HOW I used the bullet journal if I wanted it to work.
I took myself on an "idea shopping trip" on Pinterest. I searched for bullet journal ideas, and pinned a few. I even created a new board to make my bullet journal ideas easier to find. I also found a few pins I'd saved last year and moved them to the new board. Pretty quickly, I found a few ideas I really loved. I decided to jump in with those and adapt my bullet journal as I go.
So, I started with a calendar and a habit tracker. I wanted to have the calendar in my bullet journal mostly for extra reference when I'm using my bullet journal. (I REALLY want to use an abbreviation, but we all know that "BJ" doesn't mean bullet journal...am I right? 😂) I also wanted a habit tracker so I can "check off" the days I accomplish the things I want as regular habits. It's a variety of things, such as how I eat, taking care of myself, taking care of my dog, cleanliness, and a few hobbies I want to incorporate more often.
Below are a couple pictures of the calendar and habit tracker.
You may notice that one of the habits I'm tracking is this blog. I really want to be a more active blogger, I just haven't done well at it. I'm working on it. Hopefully my content isn't too boring. I'm really doing it for me, though...so you can deal or stop reading. 😂
After I created those two pages, I realized that one of the habits I included (affirmations) was something I REALLY needed to have some more accountability with as well. I also realized that writing things down is a really good way to help yourself learn or remember, so I decided it would be good to write down my affirmations. Another thing I knew was that by posting the affirmations around my house, I would be reminded of them throughout the day. So my first thought was to write them on post its and then stick 'em places I'd see. I realized, though, that I wouldn't be able to remember which affirmations were from which day without another tracking system.
So, my daily affirmations portion of the bullet journal was "born". See photos below.
The biggest reason I'm doing these affirmations is because they are part of my therapy "homework". That said, I think it's a really good practice to recognize things within myself and call them out. I also think that by reminding myself of my positive qualities and strengths throughout the day, I can more easily "summon" up those qualities when I need them.
Yesterday (photo on the left), I was feeling unsure of how this practice would go, and a little hesitant to use affirmations that didn't feel quite like they "fit". I think I played it a little cautious, but the affirmations I chose were good ones. Today (photo on the right), I've already done some things that are responsible and good things for myself, so those were obvious ones. Another one I needed to remember today is that I'm safe. I can't really explain why (not because I'm unwilling, I just don't know how to put it in words), but I just needed that reminder today.
I plan to add new "sections" to my bullet journal as I go. I have a few ideas I'm toying with, but I am not yet ready to commit. We'll see how this morphs over time.
As for the habits, I have some good things going already and some areas I really need to "step up". You may have noticed a few habits that are blank. Some of those aren't truly intended to be daily habits, but I want to track how often I do them. Others really should be daily, and I'm just dropping the ball on them at this point. I think, though, that tracking them will help me be more honest with myself and allow me to analyze why I have/haven't been doing certain things.
One of the other habits I'm working to build is meditation. I called it meditation because it's the general concept of what I'm going for. I know some Christians don't like that word, but "quiet time" isn't exactly what I want this time to be. I'm working on centering myself and calming myself, as well as bring more in tune with my body. I DO also want to use this as prayer time or just sitting in silence...but that's not the sole focus of my meditation time. I DON'T want to use this as a time to read devotionals or scripture. That seems counter to the point of meditation. That can be something I do in addition to meditation at a separate (possibly adjacent) time.
I don't want to hash out each individual habit. I am, however, curious what you think. Are there habits I should add? Are there habits you're working to incorporate into your life? Do you have ideas for how I can improve my bullet journal? Do you use a bullet journal or another method of tracking/accountability? Tell me what you're up to in these areas! I love new ideas and I love to hear from friends what's working for them.
Oh, by the way...I've been posting my affirmations to my instagram account as a means of accountability. I probably won't do this every time I do affirmations, but if you want to follow and see updates on that feel free to check my account out. It's @gracezsuficient. ;)
Thursday, August 30, 2018
Summer Growth
So, summer seems to always be a season where I learn a lot about myself. I think it's because I don't take time to quiet myself during the rest of the year and my schedule is full of so many things that I don't spend time "with myself" the way I do in the summertime.
This summer has been a season of transitions for me:
- I started going to counseling/therapy. Is there a correct term? Are they different? How do I know? Anyway, not matter which one you call it...I've been going. It has been helpful for working through a variety of things, including the things listed below.
- This spring to take a year off from teaching. It was a difficult decision, because I've known my WHOLE life that I wanted to be a teacher (since I was 3!). I know, though, that it was the right decision.
- I hadn't cleaned my house in MONTHS, and now I have cleaned the majority of it. There are still some spaces for me to sort through and purge, but I have cleaned the main living spaces and set up a guest room. I call that a win.
- I haven't talked to my dad since October 2017. (This has been hard, and is not really something I'm ready to discuss on my blog.) My therapist has been helping me work through things and had me write a letter to him. I wrote it about a month and a half ago, and then I read it in my counseling session. She suggested a few "edits", which I took into account and then I rewrote the letter. I brought it to my next session, and she suggested I read it aloud to myself a couple more times before I sent it. I finalized the letter tonight and mailed it. I am anxious, but hopeful.
- I've dealt with a lot of anxiety. This past year my anxiety had gotten pretty intense. I wasn't really having major "episodes", but I was struggling to get every day things done (i.e. cleaning my house, dishes, laundry, walking the dog, grocery shopping, etc). I still have tough days, but I've gotten so much better about a lot of things. I am positive that a huge part of this improvement is because I'm not working and my commitment level this summer was MUCH lower than in past summers. That said, I'm hoping that it doesn't go right back to how it was when I do start working.
- The last 4 summers I have participated in camps - counseling, arts & crafts, directing. This summer I didn't do ANY of that. I didn't help with camps in any way. It was hard, because I have absolutely loved helping with camps the last several years...BUT, I think it was a necessary break that allowed me to focus on my own personal growth.
- I have started leading music at church periodically. In February, I led music for our church Women's Retreat. Several people told me after the retreat that I should lead at church, too. So, I finally agreed and went ahead and led. It went well, so I led again a month or so later. I've led probably 4 times now, and I'm leading again this Sunday. It's something I would NEVER have considered in the past, likely due to my anxiety. I'm pretty sure, though, that leading has actually helped with my anxiety in an odd way. Praise the Lord for that!
- In years past I have played clarinet in the Marion County Citizen's Band. Last September, following the Mt. Angel Oktoberfest (a HUGE commitment for the band) I stopped going to rehearsals. I initially intended to take a brief break, but it ended up being all school-year long and most of the summer, as well. I started going to rehearsals again a few weeks ago, and I plan to keep going. I dropped ALL of my hobbies and "extracurriculars" due to my anxiety. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to continue going to rehearsals and playing with the band. It's something I really enjoyed in the past, but I found it to be too much this past year.
- I stopped participating in a variety of things I had previously committed to. This was a REALLY healthy thing for me. Several of these commitments have been "sucking me dry" of energy and enthusiasm. It's sad, because each of the things I gave up had been wonderful, life-giving things in the past. I guess everything has a season.
- I had a doctor's appointment. (A little background on my health "journey": I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. One of the many symptoms of PCOS is pre-diabetes. I have known about this for years and have made a variety of changes to my lifestyle in regards to how I eat. However, with all the anxiety and stress over the last year I had gone back to really awful eating habits.) At my appointment, I had some blood work done, including my A1C, which is basically a measurement of my average blood sugars over the prior 3 months. The results for my A1C were NOT in the pre-diabetic range, but there were in the diabetic range. This is obviously not ideal. She suggested that I try to bring my A1C back down into the pre-diabetic range with diet, and recommended that I follow the ketogenic diet strictly for 3 months. I've been working hard to follow it, though I think I've slipped up a few times. I've lost some weight, which is great! My goal wasn't to lose weight, but rather just to drop my carbs down to the level she had recommended to me at my appointment to hopefully bring my A1C down also. I'm glad for the weight loss, though. It doesn't seem to be consistent, though, which is frustrating. I'm eating so carefully, and I hate that I have to work so hard for weight loss. That said...I need to up my exercise game, which I'm positive plays a part in the lack of weight loss. So, that's another goal I'm working on.
- There are a few other things that have happened this summer that I'm not quite ready to share with my blog just yet. I anticipate that I'll be ready to share them with you someday, but that day is not today.
Back in January, I wrote this statement/reminder on a small whiteboard that stays on my refrigerator:
"Saying NO is not letting others down. It is taking care of yourself enough to be able to give 100% to the things you've already said YES to.
This has been an important reminder. I need to focus my energy on the things that are most important to me. I need to recognize when things are not serving me well and let go of them, even if they are things I want to include in my life. It might just be something I need to wait on.
I know I have lots more growing and learning to do, but I am grateful for the ways I've worked on myself this summer. I am also grateful for the friends and family who have surrounded me with love and support, some without even fully realizing the importance of their love. Thank you.
Also...I really WANT to blog more. It's pretty cathartic to write about things, and I have so many important things to share with you. Here's hoping that can become a habit as well! :)
Monday, August 6, 2018
Manspreading
So, there's this thing that some men do. (I used the word some, because not ALL men do this...thought some might argue for "most".) Some men take up as much space as possible when sitting somewhere. We're talking about "manspreading". Feel free to google the definition if you're not familiar. I'll warn you, though...urbandictionary has definitions that are FULL of angry men defending their "right" to manspread. It's bullshit. (Pardon my language if you're someone who's offended by it. I couldn't think of another word that was strong enough.)
Now, in some contexts this doesn't matter. They're in their own "space bubble", and they don't encroach on anyone else's space.
Let's talk about situations when it DOES matter.
First, let's suppose you are a woman. You've been trained by society to give deference to men in a variety of ways, including physical space. You feel uncomfortable with men being IN your space, and you're really only offered a couple choices: 1) ignore the discomfort you feel and deal with the manspreading, or 2) make a scene to get the man OUT of your space and risk being turned into the "villain".
Next, let's suppose you are overweight. You've desperately wanted (and tried) to be smaller than you are - to take up less space. This would help in a manspreading situation, though not completely fix it. You take up more space than you want to. While you can't actually reduce the space you take up, you have the desire to take up less space and feel guilty that you can't.
Also, let's suppose you're claustrophobic. You don't deal well with tight spaces or pressure on your body. You feel trapped in uncomfortable situations, especially when there's not an easy way out.
Finally, let's suppose you're traveling by plane. For whatever reason (late booking, needing a cheaper ticket, airline that doesn't do assigned seats, etc.) you end up in the middle seat, which you'd ALWAYS avoid if possible because of the claustrophobia mentioned above. You're stuck, because there are no aisle seats available. You're in between two people - someone's by the window (not a manspreader, though gender doesn't matter) and a manspreader on the aisle.
Now, here's the problem. The manspreader takes his seat, and immediately settles in to get comfortable. For him, that means not only spreading his legs wider than the width of his seat and into your space, but because there's nowhere for you to move his leg pushes up against yours. This makes you uncomfortable. The reason(s) you're uncomfortable don't actually matter. You're uncomfortable and he's caused it. In addition to the manspreading with his legs, he's taken the entire armrest next to you. There's nowhere to rest your arm, and his arm is touching yours just like his leg.
You try to pull yourself into yourself as much as possible.You cross your legs or ankles, cross your arms, and squeeze your knees together and "hug" yourself. No matter what you do, you're uncomfortable AND he's still touching you. You cannot escape your claustrophobia, because the pressure from his arm and his leg is constant, not to mention the fact that you already struggle with seat belt claustrophobia AND you're in the middle seat. That means "escape" is extremely challenging.
Anxiety sets in. Your breathing becomes more difficult. No, you're not really struggling to breathe. You CAN breathe. There's no physical cause of the difficulty you're feeling, and your body is getting plenty of oxygen. BUT because you feel like your breathing is harder, you panic a bit. You cannot relax, and the plane hasn't even left the ground. It's a 2-3 hour flight, and you're not sure how you'll make it through. You want to cry. You want to demand that they let you off the plane. You don't do either, because you know you need to get to your destination. Oh, and you don't really want to draw that kind of attention to yourself.
It's hard, isn't it? Your normal behaviors for a flight - reading a book, eating a snack, enjoying a beverage, sleeping, chatting with your seat mates - they all become nearly impossible. So you avoid them. You can't relax, you can't get your brain to stop "running", you feel like you can't breathe normally. You're aware of your every movement. You get restless and have to change positions - uncross and recross your legs/ankles, adjust your arms, try to scoot over in your seat away from him, turn your body a different direction. Nothing helps. You're stuck. For a couple hours.
This was a real experience I had last fall. It's also an experience I've had multiple times - not always on planes, but in similar situations.
It's really unfair that women have to go through things like this. I've also observed situations when women stand up for themselves when manspreading occurs, only to be snapped at or cursed at. Why is this acceptable? The real answer is it's NOT. Unfortunately, we as a society have allowed this to happen and not put any measures in place to protect the women involved.
Hindsight is 20/20. I still don't know that the response I've planned out (after the fact) would actually work, but this is what I thought I'd try next time:
1) Wait for a flight attendant to be nearby. Maybe when they are there to take drink orders, or when they stop by another seat nearby for someone else's needs.
2) While the flight attendant is within earshot, ask the man to move out of your space.
3) If he gets "fussy", ask the flight attendant to assist.
4) Stand your ground. You paid for a seat, not part of one. Insist that he move out of your space.
5) When (not IF) he insists he'll be uncomfortable, tell him you already are. You paid for the same level of comfort he paid for, and you demand he allow you to have your space.
6) Continue to keep the flight attendant's attention, if necessary.
7) As a last resort, make a scene. Use whatever "cards" you have in your "deck". If possible, avoid too big of a scene, but make it known to others nearby that he's being a jerk.
Look, this isn't a huge issue like the failure of our government to treat immigrant children as human beings who need to be with their parents. But it IS an issue. When men behave in this way, they are asserting their privilege (power?). It's oppressive. I want to be someone who stands up to this kind of oppression. My anxiety makes it hard, but when I can process through past situations and plan out a response for THAT situation and all of its factors, I might be better prepared the next time I come "face to face" with a manspreader.
Several of the urbandictionary definitions for manspreading insist that it's something men do to protect their genitals. I'm not suggesting there no truth in that, but the amount of truth in that DOES NOT erase a woman's right to not be touched by a man. Men have NO RIGHT to touch a woman simply to make themselves more comfortable. That's not ok.
Also, even if a woman isn't overweight, doesn't deal with claustrophobia, and doesn't deal with my level of anxiety she will likely still feel uncomfortable with a man encroaching on her space.
This is one way I'm resisting the patriarchy. What about you?
Now, in some contexts this doesn't matter. They're in their own "space bubble", and they don't encroach on anyone else's space.
Let's talk about situations when it DOES matter.
First, let's suppose you are a woman. You've been trained by society to give deference to men in a variety of ways, including physical space. You feel uncomfortable with men being IN your space, and you're really only offered a couple choices: 1) ignore the discomfort you feel and deal with the manspreading, or 2) make a scene to get the man OUT of your space and risk being turned into the "villain".
Next, let's suppose you are overweight. You've desperately wanted (and tried) to be smaller than you are - to take up less space. This would help in a manspreading situation, though not completely fix it. You take up more space than you want to. While you can't actually reduce the space you take up, you have the desire to take up less space and feel guilty that you can't.
Also, let's suppose you're claustrophobic. You don't deal well with tight spaces or pressure on your body. You feel trapped in uncomfortable situations, especially when there's not an easy way out.
Finally, let's suppose you're traveling by plane. For whatever reason (late booking, needing a cheaper ticket, airline that doesn't do assigned seats, etc.) you end up in the middle seat, which you'd ALWAYS avoid if possible because of the claustrophobia mentioned above. You're stuck, because there are no aisle seats available. You're in between two people - someone's by the window (not a manspreader, though gender doesn't matter) and a manspreader on the aisle.
Now, here's the problem. The manspreader takes his seat, and immediately settles in to get comfortable. For him, that means not only spreading his legs wider than the width of his seat and into your space, but because there's nowhere for you to move his leg pushes up against yours. This makes you uncomfortable. The reason(s) you're uncomfortable don't actually matter. You're uncomfortable and he's caused it. In addition to the manspreading with his legs, he's taken the entire armrest next to you. There's nowhere to rest your arm, and his arm is touching yours just like his leg.
You try to pull yourself into yourself as much as possible.You cross your legs or ankles, cross your arms, and squeeze your knees together and "hug" yourself. No matter what you do, you're uncomfortable AND he's still touching you. You cannot escape your claustrophobia, because the pressure from his arm and his leg is constant, not to mention the fact that you already struggle with seat belt claustrophobia AND you're in the middle seat. That means "escape" is extremely challenging.
Anxiety sets in. Your breathing becomes more difficult. No, you're not really struggling to breathe. You CAN breathe. There's no physical cause of the difficulty you're feeling, and your body is getting plenty of oxygen. BUT because you feel like your breathing is harder, you panic a bit. You cannot relax, and the plane hasn't even left the ground. It's a 2-3 hour flight, and you're not sure how you'll make it through. You want to cry. You want to demand that they let you off the plane. You don't do either, because you know you need to get to your destination. Oh, and you don't really want to draw that kind of attention to yourself.
It's hard, isn't it? Your normal behaviors for a flight - reading a book, eating a snack, enjoying a beverage, sleeping, chatting with your seat mates - they all become nearly impossible. So you avoid them. You can't relax, you can't get your brain to stop "running", you feel like you can't breathe normally. You're aware of your every movement. You get restless and have to change positions - uncross and recross your legs/ankles, adjust your arms, try to scoot over in your seat away from him, turn your body a different direction. Nothing helps. You're stuck. For a couple hours.
This was a real experience I had last fall. It's also an experience I've had multiple times - not always on planes, but in similar situations.
It's really unfair that women have to go through things like this. I've also observed situations when women stand up for themselves when manspreading occurs, only to be snapped at or cursed at. Why is this acceptable? The real answer is it's NOT. Unfortunately, we as a society have allowed this to happen and not put any measures in place to protect the women involved.
Hindsight is 20/20. I still don't know that the response I've planned out (after the fact) would actually work, but this is what I thought I'd try next time:
1) Wait for a flight attendant to be nearby. Maybe when they are there to take drink orders, or when they stop by another seat nearby for someone else's needs.
2) While the flight attendant is within earshot, ask the man to move out of your space.
3) If he gets "fussy", ask the flight attendant to assist.
4) Stand your ground. You paid for a seat, not part of one. Insist that he move out of your space.
5) When (not IF) he insists he'll be uncomfortable, tell him you already are. You paid for the same level of comfort he paid for, and you demand he allow you to have your space.
6) Continue to keep the flight attendant's attention, if necessary.
7) As a last resort, make a scene. Use whatever "cards" you have in your "deck". If possible, avoid too big of a scene, but make it known to others nearby that he's being a jerk.
Look, this isn't a huge issue like the failure of our government to treat immigrant children as human beings who need to be with their parents. But it IS an issue. When men behave in this way, they are asserting their privilege (power?). It's oppressive. I want to be someone who stands up to this kind of oppression. My anxiety makes it hard, but when I can process through past situations and plan out a response for THAT situation and all of its factors, I might be better prepared the next time I come "face to face" with a manspreader.
Several of the urbandictionary definitions for manspreading insist that it's something men do to protect their genitals. I'm not suggesting there no truth in that, but the amount of truth in that DOES NOT erase a woman's right to not be touched by a man. Men have NO RIGHT to touch a woman simply to make themselves more comfortable. That's not ok.
Also, even if a woman isn't overweight, doesn't deal with claustrophobia, and doesn't deal with my level of anxiety she will likely still feel uncomfortable with a man encroaching on her space.
This is one way I'm resisting the patriarchy. What about you?
Thursday, July 26, 2018
I Wrote a Song
So, I've always wanted to be a poet or a songwriter. I've never really spent a lot of time on it.
However...after a rough one-sided "breakup" several years ago, I took to playing my guitar daily as a form of self therapy. I was just messing around most of the time, or trying to play songs I really liked ("Let it Be" by the Beatles, "Love is All Around" by Sonny Curtis - also known as the Mary Tyler Moore theme song, etc.).
One day, though, I found a chord progression I really liked and kept playing over and over. Eventually, I started humming a melody over the progression. The melody changed a bit each time I hummed it until I found a melody I kept humming over and over.
I started thinking of this as a song. I had written the music for the song. I just didn't have any lyrics. (See: Singer/songwriter)
Finally, using my "heartbreak" (because really, looking back it WASN'T truly heartbreak, just sincere, heavy disappointment) as inspiration, I wrote lyrics. My first focus was fitting the words to the rhythms I had created in the melody. It was rough. I played around with it some more, and I found a set of lyrics I felt ok about. I recorded myself a few times using my iPhone's "voice memos", and eventually sent recordings to a friend to listen to and give some feedback. (See: Update on "the song")
My friend listened, gave feedback, and I again got "stuck". She told me to try to change a couple of the lines of lyrics, because they just didn't feel right. I can't remember what I did at that point. I typically take criticism pretty hard, so I suspect I might have gotten frustrated and done other things for a while. I may not have even truly revisited the song after that.
Fast forward a little over 5 years. Today, I was reading through my old blog posts. I literally went all the way back to my first post and just read them chronologically. When I arrived at the posts linked above, I was immediately drawn to listen to the recording. I HAD to know who I sent the recordings to so I could listen. I mean, it didn't take me long, but I wasn't sure I knew where to look. I'm glad I just searched "song" in my gmail records. It was pretty easy to find using that and the date from the blog posts as an estimate. BAM. There it was.
I listened to it, and immediately felt those raw emotions coming through again. I'm well past that "breakup" and have actually been through a couple since. (Also one-sided...and not real "breakups". That's for a completely different blog post.) I read through the feedback my friend had sent me, and I grabbed my guitar. I realized I had no record, or at least didn't know where the record was, of the chords. It was pretty easy to figure out while playing along. I then transcribed my original, recorded lyrics. I saw what my friend meant, and I'm sure I was just too stuck in the emotions of the moment to push past and make the song better. But today, I am MUCH further from those emotions and I was able to play with the words a bit more. I like them so much better now, and I'm content to approve them for myself without a friend's input. As she said when I asked for her help in 2013, "it is your song so you have to decide what to change and what to keep. besides it's totally subjective and just cause I would do something different doesn't mean that is right. you can totally ignore my suggestions!"
So, I wrote a song. It's not ready to share yet. I think I will share it, but I haven't recorded again since I changed the lyrics, and I kind of want to keep it special for a short while and enjoy it for myself. Also, I have to get to the point where I'm willing to be brave and vulnerable. I'm not very good at that. 😉
However...after a rough one-sided "breakup" several years ago, I took to playing my guitar daily as a form of self therapy. I was just messing around most of the time, or trying to play songs I really liked ("Let it Be" by the Beatles, "Love is All Around" by Sonny Curtis - also known as the Mary Tyler Moore theme song, etc.).
One day, though, I found a chord progression I really liked and kept playing over and over. Eventually, I started humming a melody over the progression. The melody changed a bit each time I hummed it until I found a melody I kept humming over and over.
I started thinking of this as a song. I had written the music for the song. I just didn't have any lyrics. (See: Singer/songwriter)
Finally, using my "heartbreak" (because really, looking back it WASN'T truly heartbreak, just sincere, heavy disappointment) as inspiration, I wrote lyrics. My first focus was fitting the words to the rhythms I had created in the melody. It was rough. I played around with it some more, and I found a set of lyrics I felt ok about. I recorded myself a few times using my iPhone's "voice memos", and eventually sent recordings to a friend to listen to and give some feedback. (See: Update on "the song")
My friend listened, gave feedback, and I again got "stuck". She told me to try to change a couple of the lines of lyrics, because they just didn't feel right. I can't remember what I did at that point. I typically take criticism pretty hard, so I suspect I might have gotten frustrated and done other things for a while. I may not have even truly revisited the song after that.
Fast forward a little over 5 years. Today, I was reading through my old blog posts. I literally went all the way back to my first post and just read them chronologically. When I arrived at the posts linked above, I was immediately drawn to listen to the recording. I HAD to know who I sent the recordings to so I could listen. I mean, it didn't take me long, but I wasn't sure I knew where to look. I'm glad I just searched "song" in my gmail records. It was pretty easy to find using that and the date from the blog posts as an estimate. BAM. There it was.
I listened to it, and immediately felt those raw emotions coming through again. I'm well past that "breakup" and have actually been through a couple since. (Also one-sided...and not real "breakups". That's for a completely different blog post.) I read through the feedback my friend had sent me, and I grabbed my guitar. I realized I had no record, or at least didn't know where the record was, of the chords. It was pretty easy to figure out while playing along. I then transcribed my original, recorded lyrics. I saw what my friend meant, and I'm sure I was just too stuck in the emotions of the moment to push past and make the song better. But today, I am MUCH further from those emotions and I was able to play with the words a bit more. I like them so much better now, and I'm content to approve them for myself without a friend's input. As she said when I asked for her help in 2013, "it is your song so you have to decide what to change and what to keep. besides it's totally subjective and just cause I would do something different doesn't mean that is right. you can totally ignore my suggestions!"
So, I wrote a song. It's not ready to share yet. I think I will share it, but I haven't recorded again since I changed the lyrics, and I kind of want to keep it special for a short while and enjoy it for myself. Also, I have to get to the point where I'm willing to be brave and vulnerable. I'm not very good at that. 😉
Monday, July 23, 2018
Phone Anxiety & Such
So, I wrote about talking on the phone a couple posts ago. Today I had to talk on the phone...twice. Well, I guess I've talked on the phone 4 times today...but two of those were with my mom, and I don't feel the same level of phone anxiety with her...like at all.
During my "annual exam" at my doctor's appointment on Thursday, she said my abdomen felt firmer than she expected. She said she wasn't concerned about it, but she was curious and suggested I get an ultrasound so she could check it out. Ok, sure. Why not? It's not the first time I've been a medical curiosity for someone. I have a CHRPE in my right eye that my eye doctor thought was cool. Whatever.
So, she gave me the number to call and schedule the ultrasound. I hadn't gotten around to it, and the lab called me to schedule it. Phone anxiety trigger #1. I scheduled an appointment, asked if she had an idea of the cost, and when she told me that I'd have to call customer service to get a cost estimate I explained to her how frustrating that is as someone with phone anxiety. She seemed mildly understanding, but didn't give me all the information I needed and was about to hang up when I caught her to ask a couple more questions. Sheesh.
So, I called customer service. I asked for information about the cost for my ultrasound, and she asked for a code I didn't have. I told her no one had given me a code. She said without the code, she could not give me an accurate estimate. She said she could pull up a code on google, but since it may be slightly different the estimate may be different as well. I told her no, I'd rather get the accurate estimate so I can plan financially for this ultrasound. I also explained to her, acknowledging that she is not at fault or to blame, that I have phone anxiety and having to call multiple places to get the information doesn't work for me.
The thing with my phone anxiety is that I can "ignore" it pretty well until it intersects with other areas of my anxiety. Being unprepared for something is a HUGE trigger for my anxiety. Not being able to get an estimate from the schedulers was frustrating and set me off, because I was anticipating the second phone conversation. That second call REALLY set me off. I was triggered by not having the information they thought I should. I was triggered by their bad customer service that created an anxiety-provoking situation for me. It's not ok that this is the "norm" in our society.
I am capable of making phone calls. I can talk on the phone with people who call me. I do not like it, and I sometimes cry after I hang up. I seriously think the majority of it has to do with feeling unprepared and being confronted with something unexpected.
So, the result of today's phone calls is...I still don't have an estimate for the cost. I did not call the scheduler back, and I did not call my doctor. I was told one or both would have the code I needed. Instead of calling, I found the message option on the online system to see if I could get the information that way. Of course, the system said they would respond "within two business days". So I may have to wait a couple days to get the information and THEN I'll have to call customer service again to get an estimate. This is all to decide whether I keep the appointment I already scheduled or not.
I'm beginning to think I should just cancel the whole thing and tell my doctor, "no thanks," next time. If I end up doing the ultrasound, they better find something really worthwhile.
Originally posted 7/23/18 at 12:31pm Pacific.
Edit 7/23/18 at 3:28pm Pacific:
I got a response quickly with the code. I called and found out the ultrasound would be $360. I checked if insurance would cover it, and because it isn't necessary right now they won't. So, I sent another message to my doctor asking to verify that it isn't necessary at this time. She said it's not, and that if I have stomach pain insurance will cover it. She said she'd order it again if I have stomach pain. I then called to cancel my appointment for the ultrasound.
All that to say...this was a pointless adventure in anxiety. Yay?
During my "annual exam" at my doctor's appointment on Thursday, she said my abdomen felt firmer than she expected. She said she wasn't concerned about it, but she was curious and suggested I get an ultrasound so she could check it out. Ok, sure. Why not? It's not the first time I've been a medical curiosity for someone. I have a CHRPE in my right eye that my eye doctor thought was cool. Whatever.
So, she gave me the number to call and schedule the ultrasound. I hadn't gotten around to it, and the lab called me to schedule it. Phone anxiety trigger #1. I scheduled an appointment, asked if she had an idea of the cost, and when she told me that I'd have to call customer service to get a cost estimate I explained to her how frustrating that is as someone with phone anxiety. She seemed mildly understanding, but didn't give me all the information I needed and was about to hang up when I caught her to ask a couple more questions. Sheesh.
So, I called customer service. I asked for information about the cost for my ultrasound, and she asked for a code I didn't have. I told her no one had given me a code. She said without the code, she could not give me an accurate estimate. She said she could pull up a code on google, but since it may be slightly different the estimate may be different as well. I told her no, I'd rather get the accurate estimate so I can plan financially for this ultrasound. I also explained to her, acknowledging that she is not at fault or to blame, that I have phone anxiety and having to call multiple places to get the information doesn't work for me.
The thing with my phone anxiety is that I can "ignore" it pretty well until it intersects with other areas of my anxiety. Being unprepared for something is a HUGE trigger for my anxiety. Not being able to get an estimate from the schedulers was frustrating and set me off, because I was anticipating the second phone conversation. That second call REALLY set me off. I was triggered by not having the information they thought I should. I was triggered by their bad customer service that created an anxiety-provoking situation for me. It's not ok that this is the "norm" in our society.
I am capable of making phone calls. I can talk on the phone with people who call me. I do not like it, and I sometimes cry after I hang up. I seriously think the majority of it has to do with feeling unprepared and being confronted with something unexpected.
So, the result of today's phone calls is...I still don't have an estimate for the cost. I did not call the scheduler back, and I did not call my doctor. I was told one or both would have the code I needed. Instead of calling, I found the message option on the online system to see if I could get the information that way. Of course, the system said they would respond "within two business days". So I may have to wait a couple days to get the information and THEN I'll have to call customer service again to get an estimate. This is all to decide whether I keep the appointment I already scheduled or not.
I'm beginning to think I should just cancel the whole thing and tell my doctor, "no thanks," next time. If I end up doing the ultrasound, they better find something really worthwhile.
Originally posted 7/23/18 at 12:31pm Pacific.
Edit 7/23/18 at 3:28pm Pacific:
I got a response quickly with the code. I called and found out the ultrasound would be $360. I checked if insurance would cover it, and because it isn't necessary right now they won't. So, I sent another message to my doctor asking to verify that it isn't necessary at this time. She said it's not, and that if I have stomach pain insurance will cover it. She said she'd order it again if I have stomach pain. I then called to cancel my appointment for the ultrasound.
All that to say...this was a pointless adventure in anxiety. Yay?
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Am I a Freak? (The answer is, "NO!" but sometimes society makes me feel like I am)
Ok, I'm going to be 100% open and real in this blog post. If you're someone who doesn't do well with the female anatomy or talk of medical procedures, you're going to want to click away and skip this blog post.
Until today, I hadn't been to the doctor in probably 5-6 years. First, it was because of my phone anxiety and not being sure which doctor to go to. Then, it was just a habit not to go. Amidst all the changes and stresses going on, I just skipped it. It was easier, though not good in the long run.
My last doctor told me I didn't need to do a pap smear, since I wasn't sexually active. I'd never had one, and she said as long as I wasn't having sex that was ok. Somewhere along the way, I decided I needed to have a pap smear. Why? I have no clue. I think I felt like it was the adult thing to do. Full disclosure: I'm still not sexually active, and never have been. So, why did I feel the need to have the pap smear? Whatever.
So, today I went to the doctor. A friend of mine who I used to work with recommended a doctor to me, and fortunately that doctor was taking new patients. So, I went. In all honesty, I wasn't aware that when I told them over the phone when making my appointment that I hadn't had an annual exam in several years that I was "signing up" for a pap smear. I didn't request it. They didn't ask. I guess it was just an assumption.
Going over all the details before my exam, we discussed the pap smear. I said I felt like I should do it. It seemed like an area of my health I had zero information about, and I should have all the information. She talked me through the process and assured me that if I wasn't sexually active that I wouldn't have cervical cancer, which is what the pap smear checks for. I guess I should have said, "Nevermind then," at that point, but I went on...full steam ahead.
When we got to the pap smear portion of the exam, she talked me through the process again, and began.
Um...why did no one tell me it hurt like hell? Also, why do women not talk more openly about pap smears in general?
Basically, here's what happened. It hurt. A LOT. She reminded me the helpful tips she'd already given me, which weren't helping. As she was trying to get the speculum in place, my body decided it had had ENOUGH and pushed it out. It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't mean to. In fact, I apologized to her.
I. apologized. to. the. doctor. for. my. body's. natural. response. WHAT?!
That's ridiculous. I wouldn't apologize if I could go back and "do it over". In fact, if I could go back, I think I would have asked her, "So, if you're certain the pap smear will come back with no abnormalities because I'm not sexually active, is there any reason for me to do it today?" I wish I had decided NOT to do it.
Here's what REALLY frustrates me:
I left my appointment, which was pleasant and "successful" in all other manners, but I felt ashamed.
I felt shame that my body had decided it didn't want to be invaded in that way. I felt ashamed that I couldn't "suck it up" and get through an exam so many women go through.
Why the hell can't we find another way to check for abnormal or cancerous cells in a woman's cervix? Why do we have to go through such a horribly uncomfortable (ok, painful) and invasive procedure as our "standard" medical care?
Even worse, why did I feel so ashamed that I hadn't gotten a pap smear already or that my body effectively rejected it?
Friends, this is weird. I felt like a freak. That's not ok. I think it's completely normal to not want a foreign object inserted into my body.
I don't feel violated, but I definitely felt like it was a level of invasiveness that was beyond my comfort level.
I've spent all afternoon and evening coming to grips with this. I'm not a freak. It's not something to be ashamed of. I don't feel bad about it anymore. I feel like it's completely acceptable to uncomfortable with the procedure.
So, ladies...who else has had horrible experiences with pap smears or other procedures?
In other news, I'm working to improve my habits about seeing doctors. So, there's that.
Until today, I hadn't been to the doctor in probably 5-6 years. First, it was because of my phone anxiety and not being sure which doctor to go to. Then, it was just a habit not to go. Amidst all the changes and stresses going on, I just skipped it. It was easier, though not good in the long run.
My last doctor told me I didn't need to do a pap smear, since I wasn't sexually active. I'd never had one, and she said as long as I wasn't having sex that was ok. Somewhere along the way, I decided I needed to have a pap smear. Why? I have no clue. I think I felt like it was the adult thing to do. Full disclosure: I'm still not sexually active, and never have been. So, why did I feel the need to have the pap smear? Whatever.
So, today I went to the doctor. A friend of mine who I used to work with recommended a doctor to me, and fortunately that doctor was taking new patients. So, I went. In all honesty, I wasn't aware that when I told them over the phone when making my appointment that I hadn't had an annual exam in several years that I was "signing up" for a pap smear. I didn't request it. They didn't ask. I guess it was just an assumption.
Going over all the details before my exam, we discussed the pap smear. I said I felt like I should do it. It seemed like an area of my health I had zero information about, and I should have all the information. She talked me through the process and assured me that if I wasn't sexually active that I wouldn't have cervical cancer, which is what the pap smear checks for. I guess I should have said, "Nevermind then," at that point, but I went on...full steam ahead.
When we got to the pap smear portion of the exam, she talked me through the process again, and began.
Um...why did no one tell me it hurt like hell? Also, why do women not talk more openly about pap smears in general?
Basically, here's what happened. It hurt. A LOT. She reminded me the helpful tips she'd already given me, which weren't helping. As she was trying to get the speculum in place, my body decided it had had ENOUGH and pushed it out. It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't mean to. In fact, I apologized to her.
I. apologized. to. the. doctor. for. my. body's. natural. response. WHAT?!
That's ridiculous. I wouldn't apologize if I could go back and "do it over". In fact, if I could go back, I think I would have asked her, "So, if you're certain the pap smear will come back with no abnormalities because I'm not sexually active, is there any reason for me to do it today?" I wish I had decided NOT to do it.
Here's what REALLY frustrates me:
I left my appointment, which was pleasant and "successful" in all other manners, but I felt ashamed.
I felt shame that my body had decided it didn't want to be invaded in that way. I felt ashamed that I couldn't "suck it up" and get through an exam so many women go through.
Why the hell can't we find another way to check for abnormal or cancerous cells in a woman's cervix? Why do we have to go through such a horribly uncomfortable (ok, painful) and invasive procedure as our "standard" medical care?
Even worse, why did I feel so ashamed that I hadn't gotten a pap smear already or that my body effectively rejected it?
Friends, this is weird. I felt like a freak. That's not ok. I think it's completely normal to not want a foreign object inserted into my body.
I don't feel violated, but I definitely felt like it was a level of invasiveness that was beyond my comfort level.
I've spent all afternoon and evening coming to grips with this. I'm not a freak. It's not something to be ashamed of. I don't feel bad about it anymore. I feel like it's completely acceptable to uncomfortable with the procedure.
So, ladies...who else has had horrible experiences with pap smears or other procedures?
In other news, I'm working to improve my habits about seeing doctors. So, there's that.
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Changes
I remember in middle school and high school jumping with excitement to answer the phone when it rang. No matter who it was on the other end, I wanted to be the one to answer. There was always hope that the person calling wanted to talk to me, which usually meant a friend wanted to chat.
At that age, I couldn't talk to my friends enough. I longed for someone to call, and I used instant messenger to talk to them by internet in between calls, school, and church.
Somewhere along the line I got weary of the phone. I no longer get excited when my phone rings. That excitement to talk to a friend is non-existent upon hearing my phone ringing. In its place is dread and anxiety. I often say, "What do you want?!" before answering my phone when it rings. Admittedly, that's a rotten attitude to have. I never look to see who it is before saying this - so if you're reading this and you're someone who calls me, please don't take offense.
It's not that I don't want to talk to YOU or specific people. It's that I don't want to talk to ANYONE. In reality, though, it's not totally true that I don't want to talk to anyone. I think the mystery of who-could-be-calling that induced excitement in my teen years is now met with stress over what-do-they-want and don't-they-know-my-to-do-list-is-already-miles-long.
It's not a change I completely understand, but it happened. I don't know when. I don't know why. I only know it happened.
Another change? People don't call just to chat anymore. There's always a reason - you owe them money, they need information, they need a favor, etc. Oh, or worst of all - it's a recording that you definitely don't want to hear: some scam about your credit card or your car warranty, or even just a confirmation recording about your upcoming doctor appointment.
The people that really matter still call on occasion, but the majority of communication takes place by text or email.
I think I'm ok with that, but I don't particularly want to hold onto that dread/anxiety that comes when the phone rings. I wonder how you change that feeling back into excitement (or at least indifference?).
At that age, I couldn't talk to my friends enough. I longed for someone to call, and I used instant messenger to talk to them by internet in between calls, school, and church.
Somewhere along the line I got weary of the phone. I no longer get excited when my phone rings. That excitement to talk to a friend is non-existent upon hearing my phone ringing. In its place is dread and anxiety. I often say, "What do you want?!" before answering my phone when it rings. Admittedly, that's a rotten attitude to have. I never look to see who it is before saying this - so if you're reading this and you're someone who calls me, please don't take offense.
It's not that I don't want to talk to YOU or specific people. It's that I don't want to talk to ANYONE. In reality, though, it's not totally true that I don't want to talk to anyone. I think the mystery of who-could-be-calling that induced excitement in my teen years is now met with stress over what-do-they-want and don't-they-know-my-to-do-list-is-already-miles-long.
It's not a change I completely understand, but it happened. I don't know when. I don't know why. I only know it happened.
Another change? People don't call just to chat anymore. There's always a reason - you owe them money, they need information, they need a favor, etc. Oh, or worst of all - it's a recording that you definitely don't want to hear: some scam about your credit card or your car warranty, or even just a confirmation recording about your upcoming doctor appointment.
The people that really matter still call on occasion, but the majority of communication takes place by text or email.
I think I'm ok with that, but I don't particularly want to hold onto that dread/anxiety that comes when the phone rings. I wonder how you change that feeling back into excitement (or at least indifference?).
Sunday, June 10, 2018
Non-Poetry
This afternoon, I sat down to write a poem. I felt particularly inspired, though I'm not sure what exactly triggered it. This comes from where I'm at in life currently, and some thoughts that have been "mulling" for a while made their way into it. In the end, it turned out it was quite a poem. It's more prose than poetry, but here it is nonetheless.
In the game show of life we're presented a series of doors, not knowing exactly what lies beyond. Sometimes we're given clues that can guide our decision, because in life (like a game show) we must choose. The choice is not, "DO I open a door?" but rather, "WHICH door do I open?" From time to time a door's contents are known to us and we have an understanding of what's to come or have preconceived expectations. Typically, though, what we discover behind a door is a complete surprise. We cannot fully prepare ourselves. So we take a deep breath, close our eyes, maybe say a prayer, and open the door our heart has chosen, hoping for the best.
May this door I'm about to open reveal surprises that bring peace, joy, and love. May I have the courage and tenacity to face the unknown and accept what will come. May I recognize the lovely faces surrounding me with support.
That's all I have for now. I thought about working it into a poem, but decided it was exactly what I wanted to say as it is.
In the game show of life we're presented a series of doors, not knowing exactly what lies beyond. Sometimes we're given clues that can guide our decision, because in life (like a game show) we must choose. The choice is not, "DO I open a door?" but rather, "WHICH door do I open?" From time to time a door's contents are known to us and we have an understanding of what's to come or have preconceived expectations. Typically, though, what we discover behind a door is a complete surprise. We cannot fully prepare ourselves. So we take a deep breath, close our eyes, maybe say a prayer, and open the door our heart has chosen, hoping for the best.
May this door I'm about to open reveal surprises that bring peace, joy, and love. May I have the courage and tenacity to face the unknown and accept what will come. May I recognize the lovely faces surrounding me with support.
That's all I have for now. I thought about working it into a poem, but decided it was exactly what I wanted to say as it is.
Friday, May 25, 2018
Multi-dimensionality
I've been thinking lately about how people are multi-dimensional. We're not flat, static beings. Instead, we're dynamic, changing, growing, learning beings. At least I hope we ALL are...
I started thinking about this a bit after listening to a new podcast that was recommended to me by some friends (thanks John & Kate!). It's called "Harry Potter and the Sacred Text". It is a wonderful podcast that covers the content of the Harry Potter books from a sacred reading perspective. They approach the text as one would a sacred text, and they look at the text through the lens of a different theme each podcast. I've made it to the early chapters of book 2, and I'm really enjoying the insights into the text as a narrative, but also into the spiritual and sacred practices that exist within my own faith system as well as others.
The aspect of the podcast that got me thinking about the multi-dimensionality of people was the voice message segment of the podcast. At the end of each podcast, they share a voice message that they have received from a listener who has additional insight to add to a previous podcast's theme and reading. On an episode I recently listened to, the voice message was someone who talked about the fact that students are sorted into houses. They suggested that the sorting hat doesn't sort them into houses based on the areas they are already good at, or the aspects of themselves that are the strongest. For example, they said that Hermione could have EASILY been sorted into Ravenclaw which is obvious to the reader throughout the series. She is clever, studious, and applies what she has learned outside of the classroom. She is the epitome of Ravenclaw. However, the person leaving this voice message said that the sorting hat places students into houses based on their potential and the areas of themselves that need to be further established or improved. They also suggested that the "golden trio", as many refer to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, are able to work so well together not because they are all brave Gryffindors, but because they each have qualities of different houses as well. They asserted that Ron has Hufflepuff qualities and Harry has Slytherin qualities (in addition to Hermione's Ravenclaw qualities).
I thought this was brilliant. How many times in life do we look for people who are the same as us, who share our opinions, who we can easily relate to? If you're like me, ALL THE TIME. I think, though, that an important point made in this voice message was that diversity, or how we are different, can help us grow in relationship with others.
(A friend of mine posted something similar on Facebook within the last week. I tried to find the post while drafting this blog, but I couldn't remember exactly who posted it. If I'm able to find it, I'll come back and edit this.)
I think that in addition to the diversity of thought in our relationships, we need to recognize the capacity we have for different skills, mindsets, attitudes, etc. that we each have within ourselves. As referenced above, Harry is a Gryffindor who has some qualities of a Slytherin. He is ambitious, and the sorting hat recognized the capacity he had to succeed in Slytherin. He's definitely a Gryffindor in important ways, but his Slytherin tendencies play a huge role in the plot and development of his character. I think it's important that we all recognize the various facets within ourselves in a similar way.
For me, this is an ongoing discovery. I've been fascinated by the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) for years, and I love seeing which character I'm similar to from my favorite stories when someone finds an MBTI chart. I have been learning more about the Enneagram over the last several years. I have also taken the StrengthsFinder multiple times (in different contexts). I really enjoy learning more about myself...especially when it's in a bit more of a "clinical" sense. I probably need to do some serious soul searching and face the deeper implications of my resistance to knowing myself outside of the parameters of these tests/quizzes/spectrums. For now, though, I'm pretty content to see what other people think about my personality type.
Something else that plays a huge role in this thinking for me is my current life stage. I'm entering a stage of transition. I recently decided to take some time off from teaching. I am finishing my 7th year teaching, and I'm recognizing some annual struggles I face that become very overwhelming for me. I'm not really sure what comes next, and I think that uncertainty has opened my mind to a LOT.
I'm curious what truth you find here. How do you see your multi-dimensionality playing out in your relationships or other settings?
I'm also curious what personality assessments and self-discovery tools you have used. What would you recommend to someone who is doing some soul-searching and self-discovery? Also, for those that have used MBTI, StrengthsFinder, or Enneagram (Harry Potter House)...how do you identify? I'll list mine below.
MBTI - ISFJ or ESFJ
Enneagram -2 (Though I've wondered for the last several months if I could actually be a 7 with 2 tendencies?) I just discovered I'm actually a 6! I had mis-identified myself as a 2 for years, and I have NO idea why I thought I was a 7. (edit: 7-7-18)
StrengthsFinder - Developer, Positivity, Focus, Woo, Belief (2005); Developer, Positivity, Empathy, Adaptability, Restorative (2008); Harmony, Intellection, Input, Learner, Relator (2014)
Harry Potter House - Hufflepuff
I started thinking about this a bit after listening to a new podcast that was recommended to me by some friends (thanks John & Kate!). It's called "Harry Potter and the Sacred Text". It is a wonderful podcast that covers the content of the Harry Potter books from a sacred reading perspective. They approach the text as one would a sacred text, and they look at the text through the lens of a different theme each podcast. I've made it to the early chapters of book 2, and I'm really enjoying the insights into the text as a narrative, but also into the spiritual and sacred practices that exist within my own faith system as well as others.
The aspect of the podcast that got me thinking about the multi-dimensionality of people was the voice message segment of the podcast. At the end of each podcast, they share a voice message that they have received from a listener who has additional insight to add to a previous podcast's theme and reading. On an episode I recently listened to, the voice message was someone who talked about the fact that students are sorted into houses. They suggested that the sorting hat doesn't sort them into houses based on the areas they are already good at, or the aspects of themselves that are the strongest. For example, they said that Hermione could have EASILY been sorted into Ravenclaw which is obvious to the reader throughout the series. She is clever, studious, and applies what she has learned outside of the classroom. She is the epitome of Ravenclaw. However, the person leaving this voice message said that the sorting hat places students into houses based on their potential and the areas of themselves that need to be further established or improved. They also suggested that the "golden trio", as many refer to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, are able to work so well together not because they are all brave Gryffindors, but because they each have qualities of different houses as well. They asserted that Ron has Hufflepuff qualities and Harry has Slytherin qualities (in addition to Hermione's Ravenclaw qualities).
I thought this was brilliant. How many times in life do we look for people who are the same as us, who share our opinions, who we can easily relate to? If you're like me, ALL THE TIME. I think, though, that an important point made in this voice message was that diversity, or how we are different, can help us grow in relationship with others.
(A friend of mine posted something similar on Facebook within the last week. I tried to find the post while drafting this blog, but I couldn't remember exactly who posted it. If I'm able to find it, I'll come back and edit this.)
I think that in addition to the diversity of thought in our relationships, we need to recognize the capacity we have for different skills, mindsets, attitudes, etc. that we each have within ourselves. As referenced above, Harry is a Gryffindor who has some qualities of a Slytherin. He is ambitious, and the sorting hat recognized the capacity he had to succeed in Slytherin. He's definitely a Gryffindor in important ways, but his Slytherin tendencies play a huge role in the plot and development of his character. I think it's important that we all recognize the various facets within ourselves in a similar way.
For me, this is an ongoing discovery. I've been fascinated by the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) for years, and I love seeing which character I'm similar to from my favorite stories when someone finds an MBTI chart. I have been learning more about the Enneagram over the last several years. I have also taken the StrengthsFinder multiple times (in different contexts). I really enjoy learning more about myself...especially when it's in a bit more of a "clinical" sense. I probably need to do some serious soul searching and face the deeper implications of my resistance to knowing myself outside of the parameters of these tests/quizzes/spectrums. For now, though, I'm pretty content to see what other people think about my personality type.
Something else that plays a huge role in this thinking for me is my current life stage. I'm entering a stage of transition. I recently decided to take some time off from teaching. I am finishing my 7th year teaching, and I'm recognizing some annual struggles I face that become very overwhelming for me. I'm not really sure what comes next, and I think that uncertainty has opened my mind to a LOT.
I'm curious what truth you find here. How do you see your multi-dimensionality playing out in your relationships or other settings?
I'm also curious what personality assessments and self-discovery tools you have used. What would you recommend to someone who is doing some soul-searching and self-discovery? Also, for those that have used MBTI, StrengthsFinder, or Enneagram (Harry Potter House)...how do you identify? I'll list mine below.
MBTI - ISFJ or ESFJ
Enneagram -
StrengthsFinder - Developer, Positivity, Focus, Woo, Belief (2005); Developer, Positivity, Empathy, Adaptability, Restorative (2008); Harmony, Intellection, Input, Learner, Relator (2014)
Harry Potter House - Hufflepuff
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)